I've been estranged from my father for 24 years and now he's in his last days. What should I do?

Question

I left home to marry my husband 39 years ago. I was told by my father then that I was no longer a part of his family. After 9 years of marriage he contacted me and we got back together for appox. 5 years, but it was very rocky. When my son got very sick I called my father and told him but after 15 days and 2 surgeries later my father never called to see how he was. At that point I decided that the pain he was causing me was not worth the effort of keeping our relationship afloat. He's a very cold hearted person. I have 2 brothers whom I am also estranged from. My oldest brother and I have talked lately over the internet via Instant messanger. He and my other brother have said to at least call him and talk about anything but the past. Tell him things about my children and what they are doing in life. They suggested my children call him. because they don't want him to feel like no one cares. Ironic! I don't know what to feel for this man, but I know I still care even though I hurt

Answer 1

He sounds like a man who was thoughtless and uncaring and I don't see how dying changes that. He never bothered to get to know you or your family so why pretend he cared on his death bed for any of you.

Ask yourself what you need. Not what your brothers want from you. Be honest with yourself and search within for what will give you peace and go for it.

Answer 2

I've been in a similar situation, but it's only been 15 years. My father only wanted to remember me as a small child after I contacted him when I was 19. He is also a cold hearted person who has caused alot of pain and heart ache in my life. I decided a long time ago that it just wasn't worth it. I also hope my child never gets into contact with him and has to face that kind of treatment. At times I have wondered what I would do if he were dying or really sick and wanted to see me. It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that he could have done so at any time in his life and chose not to. I have moved on and am very happy with my life. It just brings back too many hard feelings and bad memories for me and I don't want to go through that. Yes, I may wonder about him, but I think that it is best for me and my family. He will always be my father (or "sperm donor" is what I like to call him) and I still do have "some" type of feelings for him. It's just not love. Good luck to you on your decision.

Answer 3

If you still care, go to see him. Chances are he has regretted the rift between you. He may not be able to express his feelings the way you need him to but I suspect he loves you all the same. It may be that when you try to express your feelings, he doesn't fully understand. That's just because you're two different people.

Allow yourself to forgive everything that happened in the past. Forgive him and forgive yourself. Not because he's your Dad but because he's a human being who is flawed just like you and everyone else in this world. We all do the best we can and we don't always do it right. Let love be your guide. Remember that he was brought up in a different culture and a different time than you. He has his way of looking at the world and you have yours. Neither one of you is right or wrong. You're just different.

Talk to him about how certain things made you feel and ask him how he felt. I suspect when your son was sick he had a hard time dealing with that and so he stayed away. That doesn't mean he didn't care, it means he couldn't handle it. Try to talk to him without judgment but with a need to understand. If he says things that upset you, try to put aside the emotion and bring it back to neutral territory. You may be surprised that the two of you are more alike than you realize.

Give him a chance and give yourself a chance. If things don't work out, at least you know you gave it your best shot. If he dies without you making an attempt, you may have to deal with guilt after he's gone. My Dad died before I had a chance to let him know how much I loved him and his passing was all the more difficult for me to deal with because of the guilt I felt. Don't let that happen to you.

Answer 4

Hi.... i haven't spoken with my father for over 16 years, either. He is also a very cold and abusive person, and i had to sever the relationship for my own emotional well-being and safety.

My father is 78 now, and he has cancer. I don't really feel much about it, and i don't care, to be quite honest. I don't wish him any harm, but on the other hand, he has never made a move to apologize to me for what he did to me. It was his fault, not mine. I don't have any desire to communicate with or even trust him at all.

it doesn't matter if he is sick or not! He's still an ogre.

I have forgiven my father in my mind, but i have no reason to speak to him. Just because we are related, doesn't mean i have any obligation toward him at all. Fact is, the sight of him brings terrible flashbacks and makes me physically ill.

It's my choice to stay away from my father, And no one can convince me otherwise. If you don't want to talk with your father, then don't.

I find it interesting that your brothers want you to call and talk with your father "about anything but the past."... why? are they afraid it will hurt your father's feelings to be reminded of the type of person he really is? That is nuts!!!

If it were me, i wouldn't force the children to talk with him, either. Do they even know him? Don't stress them out by making them talk to your father, a person they barely know. What good would it do?.

Your brothers don't want your father to feel like no one cares? Yes this is ironic! If no one cares, your father is the only person to blame.

do what is best for YOU.

sending hugs your way.

Answer 5

I can understand how hurt you've been over all these years being away from your family members. Your brothers are right...I agree..Call your father or go there and talk with him. There is no harm in trying....at least you'll be able to say what you feel and let him know, no matter what has happend in the past ...you are Happy and have beautiful children and you wanted to tell him how much you love him...that way...if the worst happens...youll at least be able to have had that closure of letting him know how you feel* GOODLUCK*

Answer 6

That's a tough situation. I'm sorry to hear that he wasn't there for you and your family in the past. I can only imagine your pain and frustration. If it were me, I would contact him- if for no other reason than to get closure for yourself and release the grudges you hold against him. Forgiveness is the best gift you can give because it also releases you from the burden of regret. I wish you luck!

Answer 7

Baby Girl!

Please put the differences aside and if only to demonstrate the love of God, be there for him.

You see, there are times when parents say and do things that will leave a lasting affect on the children; nevertheless, they are our parents and for whatever reason Dad has been the Dad you have indicated, it may not have been his fault and he may have also experienced parents who were the same to him as he was to you.

Prayers are in order and I will do just that for your father and you.

Answer 8

Your father is cold hearted but you don't have to be. Go and see him before he dies. It may be more for you than him.
My dad died last year and I was with him when he passed. I'm so glad that we reconciled before he died.
Even if your dad doesn't know you're there, you will. If you don't see him, you'll likely regret it. Life is too short to be lived with regrets. There are things you can never go back and do. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

Are you calling HER in many circumstances, e-mailing her, including her as a chum on a social community web site, writing her letters, preventing via to visit, inviting her on your position, inviting her out to the films ... or in basic terms frequently making on-going efforts to ascertain her ? If it replaced into my toddler, and that i hadn't seen her in 4 years i must be extremely joyful to be protected in her existence back ! it form of sounds like she made an attempt, stated she replaced into hoping you need to be at liberty, stated as out of understand... what extra do you want from her ? Be a sturdy figure and a sturdy grandparent and be there on your daughter.

Answer 10

You must make peace if not for him for your own peace of mind,you only get one father ,and one chance,i beg you to talk to him,i know if you don"t you will regret it forever.If you were estranged from your kids ,and you were sick would"nt you want the same?make peace.Good luck tell him you love him .