Why is it wrong to demand respect from a stepchild in your home?

Question

I answered a couple of questions last night about people having problems with their stepkids and disrespect, and I got a few thumbs downs for my opionion. I don't understand why. I fully agree that as adults we should do what we can to try to have a good relationship with our stepkids. However, I also wholeheartedly believe that some kids are very good manipulators and intentionally try to cause problems between their parent and stepparent. I don't believe that it matters if you are talking about a stepchild and stepparent, a child and a teacher, or a child and an adult at the grocery store. Kids are supposed to respect the adults in their lives. I do feel that the biological parents should be the ones who set the rules and dole out the punishment, but there is nothing wrong with a stepparent enforcing the real parents rules or expecting respect from their stepchild. An adult has the right to expect respect from ANY child in their home, even a stepchild. Why is this so unheard of?

I just have to wonder how many new marriages have ended, simply because a child didn't like their stepparent, and deliberatly caused problems just to try to break the marriage up. I understand that divorce is hard on children. It is hard for everyone involved. But how long can you allow a child to disrespect their stepparent, and blame it on them just having a hard time adjusting to the divorce or having a new stepparent? Sure you have to give them time, but how long is enough time? I understand if it is a young child, like 9 and under, but over that age a child knows right from wrong, and shouldn't be allowed to continue to cause problems with their stepparent, just because they dont want their real parent to be with someone else. You have to draw the line somewhere, and say enough is enough.

In my personal situation, my husband and his ex have been split up for 11 yrs. There oldest was only 3. I dont feel that they are still suffering from the effects of the divorce. They have been expected to accept and respect their stepfather, so I feel that they should also respect me. I dont give them chores nor do I yell at them or intentionally be mean to them. However, if I catch one of them hitting another, yelling at each other, or disrespecting me or their dad in my house, I will step in and say something. Of course, if my husband witnesses it himself, he is the one to confront them, but if it is me who see's or hears it, then I will because I believe that a childs bad behavior should be addressed as soon as it is done, and I should have to wait till my husband comes into the house or go outside to find him just to tell him what his child did. I think I have the right in my house to say "That is not acceptable behavior in this house. You are not to do that again."

Alexandra: As a matter of fact, yes I do have a stepmom. In the beginning, I was jelous of her and even called her a bitc* to my dad, simply because I thought he was paying her more attention than he was me. As I grew up, I realized that she had done nothing wrong, and that I was the one who had. I realized that my dad had the right to be in a happy marriage, even if it wasn't with my mom. Your right, respect is something you earn. But when you have done nothing to deserve disrespect from a child, but still get it, you have the right as an adult to refuse to allow a child to disrespect you.

Answer 1

I didn't see your answer last night, but I think we as step parents have the right to demand respect. Kids can be very sneaky and manipulative, bio-parents have their sight blocked by guilt and desire to "one-up" the other bio-parent.No adult should have to bow to a child. Kids are supposed to respect all adults they encounter in school, stores ,church, the neighborhood, ect. You are fully within reason to expect your step kids to treat you with respect. I'm sorry you got thumbs down. My husband and I had many struggles with his kids in the beginning. I was determined that his kids were not going to rule us. He was so weak with them.
I have to dole out the dicipline, but both bio-parents gave me the go ahead to do so if I see fit. These kids are going to grow up and move away,, then it will be just the two of you. In the mean time, work with both bio-parents if possible so the kids will know they can't divide and conquer. Hold your ground, we are a dying breed.

Answer 2

Hi... I have been in this very same role as you are in now. I did not think I would survive it. The dad had been separated for 1 year when we met and his daughter was 8.

One big problem you might be having, the bio mother telling the child to disrespect you! Children only know what they are taught by adults.

Another problem-- Is the dad reinforcing you in teaching these children or child the proper way to respect all grown ups especially you?

Sometimes step children feel that the stepmother is going to "steal" the dad away. Make sure you set aside time for the dad and child to have time on their own,such as a movie or outing, use that time for yourself,go shopping or take a long hot bath and relax.

Find a way to meet in the middle, instead of using the word "my" home use the word "our" home.

Make sure that the child(ren) understand they are 100% a part of your family and give them small decisions they can make.

My step daughter is an adult now and we are like mother and daughter and the big bonus is that she has given me 3 wonderful grandsons.

Good Luck to you and your family.

Answer 3

Its not I live with a 12 yr old and her dad and i have known her since she was 7 the older she gets the more disrespect comes. I don't care what anyone says it is hard to be a stepparent you have a bad rep coming into it and you can be as nice as you possibly can and it still sucks you mess up once and everyone thinks the world has came to an end but if a blood relative messes up it isn't a big deal.

Answer 4

By now you have pretty good answer but I just want to say you are right on, The respect is about anyone and the parents dont see this because their have to much anger still with their EX so the kids are forgot by this time or tought to be mean so that the Ex cant enjoy with his new partner, But please dont let this hurt you, as long as you keep the rules smiple and at the same time you are a friend an try to tell as many times you can, if it means 100 times in your house that this is wrong and why its wrong.

Answer 5

I agree, however, I also agree that respect is a two way street. I catch myself yelling at my kid then get angry bc she is yelling at me. We have to respect them as individuals as well as a member of the family. As they do us. I do believe their needs to be rules and bounderies that need to be adhered too. If they aren't established early on, the child will manipulate and overstep those bounderies to the point that you will have no control.

You also have to have communication with the biological parent. Share your views on how the upbringing should be and how punishment should be handled...then stick with it...all the time...BOTH parents. Otherwise, the child will know that "dad" will let her get away with it but "stepmom" won't. There will be alot of going behind one another's backs and the whole trust/respect issue is now gone.

Not only should they respect you bc you are their stepparent but they should also respect you bc you are the adult. You are the elder in the home and should be revered and respected for that reason alone.

It is a tough subject that I deal with (I have two kids and my husband is only the father of one and step father to the other). The rule of thumb with kids is consistancy and love.

Answer 6

I actually agree that being respectful of your relationship is very important. But some things, like what your friends say, are out of your control, and you have to let some things go. I mean if my friends said that to me I'd just be like, "Hey man, I honestly don't need or want to hear about that, alright?" And it wouldn't happen again. But I think when you're in a very committed relationship the other person is with you always, no matter if they're there in person or just mind. And you should act accordingly with respect for them.

Answer 7

I have two step-children and they are wonderful and we are very fortunate because we all get along. I do not consider them my step kids they are my kids. I have been with their dad for 9 years and we have always had a great relationship. I realize that this does always happen but my husbands ex and her new husband all set down and discussed this right from the start, we did it for the best interest of the children.

It is not wrong for you to demand respect, but you must also give respect to them. I hope this works out for you and your family, it would be terrible for you to lose your husband because of the kids.

God Bless you and your family.

The kids are 16, 13 and I have a 12 yr old from a previous marriage

Answer 8

Why would anyone expect respect from a stepchild? Put yourself in the kid's shoes, how would you behave, how would you feel, it is never fair that children get shoved around from parent-to-parent and expect them to be happy.

I grew up with a stepfather, there were times when I wished I was never born. I respected my stepfather until the day something bad happened.

I left home when I was 17, and got married at 18. I had two beautiful kids who are now ages 18 and 20. Their dad and I divorced after 13 years of marriage but we stayed friends, neither one of us re-married.

Both my kids are in college now and I am so glad I did not put them in that situation ~ You must always put what's BEST for the KIDS first before yourself, have compassion for what they're going through... believe me, it's not easy for them or you.

Answer 9

It's not that it's unheard of, it's that we live in a society that has lost the old values of respecting others. We live in a world that has no respect for themselves, their families, or the people that surround us.
Look how many rude people there are, we as children learn from our parents and somewhere we have lost the old value system that was once in place. Everybody has forgotten to respect not just themselves but those around them.
When I had my step-children, I got taught an important lessonthat I had to give respect in order to get respect. When I treated them badly, they did the same in return and when I treated them properly and with the respect they deserved I got the same in return.
We have to teach our children not just to respect themselves but to respect everyone around them regardless of race, creed, religion, sex, etc.
I agree with the person that stated that it takes a village to raise a child...it's true. Everyone that is involved in our children's lives makes an impact, but we have to make that impact positive rather than negative.
Hope this helps.

Answer 10

I've been married three times, but, I don't have stepkids, I have heart kids.. I treat them just as if they were my blood, because they are of my heart..
as for Sam, you don't expect their stepmom to discipline them? man, you have a serious problem there, and are setting up that other mom for trouble.. shame.. you started out well, and then bailed out on reason and sensibility.. hope you come back and read this.. too far out in left field for me.. I know who's here taking care of my kids, I know who's here when they're sick, when their feelings get hurt, when someone makes a bad joke about them for whatever reason.. it's not their 'real' dad, he's seen them 3 times, in a 3 year period and only lives 60 miles away..
He's missed a lot, and, with them being 14 and 16, he's going to be missing a lot more..
and I'm the one who's dealing with them, through puberty, through the loss of two of their grandmothers and one of their grandfathers, the marriage of their older sister, and on and on..
I feel pity for him, he's not enjoying the good things, and not suffering through the hard times, and that's building a stronger relationship between me and 'his' kids..

Answer 11

I read over your answers to previous questions and I agree with your point of view but do see why many would not. First off, i believe in the saying "Treat others in the way you would want to be treated", rather than the saying
respect your elders". The respect should go both ways.
I do not have any stepchildren but I do have a stepmother, whom i adored then and now. When I was with my father, she was the mother of the house, having two children of her own as well, and we all treated her as one. She enforced both her own rules and my fathers and we were expected to treat her with respect and follow these rules. My mother didn't like this. She believed that we should treat her with respect as any other adult, but didn't think she should act as a parent to us. In her eyes, we had 1 mother and 1 father and that was who was supposed to parent us. I think many mothers would agree with me on this one and think to themselves "who is she to parent my child. She's not their mother!" I didn't understand why my mother never really liked my stepmother (even now) as a kid, but now as an adult I do. If my husband and I were ever to get divorced and he got remarried, I would expect my boys to respect and follow their stepmother's rules as i did, but I would get upset if she yelled or tried to parent my boys (screaming at them, punishing them) as if she were their mother. If I wasn't alive, it would be a different situation. But I would never say out loud in front of my sons like my mother did, "SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER! Where was your father when this happened!? Why did she do that THAT way?" to influence their behavior or opinion of their father's wife.That's my honest, gut feeling toward that issue. Other's may disagree, but that's how i would react.
I do agree with you though. Any child, whether it be a stepchild, niece, cousin whatever, should respect all the adults in the house and follow the house rules, as long as they are treated with respect inturn. If the rules are broken in any way, any adult in the house should have the right to bring it to the child’s attention, but it's up to the child's parent to decide on the punishment. Some stepchildren are hateful and rude toward their stepparent simply because they don't like them because they take away their attention or don't believe they should have to listen to them because they aren't their real parent (usually influenced to believe by a parent). This behavior is completely unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated. On the other hand, if the stepparent doesn't treat the stepchild fairly, (like the parent trap lol). the child has every right to be upset or angry. The parent should side with the child and work to correct the relationship between the two.

Hope this helps you. Your opinions are very strong and i mean that in a good way. Don't worry about the stupid thumbs up, thumps down. Some people just go right down the list clicking them without reading or to make their answer look better. I'm sure i'll get one for my opinion. Best wishes to you and good luck! =]