Is my mother wrong, or am I?

Question

My mother doesn't want to send birthday cards and cash to my older kids. She has been doing it for 18, and 22 years for my kids and my sisters kids. She puts $40 or $50 in the card. She says it has to end sometime, and how long should she do it. She is mad at my sisters kids. She doesnt approve of the way they are living, like with their boyfriends, without being married. So, she doesnt want to send them cards or money, so I told her she couldn't send my kids any either. The other 2 sets of grandparents still send cards, with money in them, and I think it will hurt my kids feelings, if they don't at least get a card from my mother. Two of the grandparents are only step grandparents, and they want to sent cards to my kids! My Mom seems selfish, and judgemental to me. My son and Daughter are good to her, and they are going to get hurt , just because my mom doesn't like or is mad at the other grandkids!

Am I overeacting? Am I right? Or is my mother right?

I told her not to send the cards to my kids, if she doesn't send them to the other grandkids, because my sister will notice her kids didnt get any, and ask me if mine did! I couldn't lie, so it would just give her another reason to be jealous of me, like she has been all her life. The jealosy has always been a problem between us.

My Mother feels if she doesn't send money, than she shouldn't send a card! She thinks the kids would be insulted! I explained all this to her, and we had a big arguement!

Answer 1

No, you're not overreacting. Your mother is wrong for yanking her trademark birthday gifts to her grandkids, just because she doesn't approve of their lifestyles. Its not the act so much as her motive. If she could no longer afford to keep it up, or simply wanted to changed styles - that would be one thing. But what she is doing is simply spiteful/vengeful, and a control/manipulation tactic. As an adult, mother, and grandmother - she has 3 reasons why her level of maturity should exceed this. I also feel you were very unselfish and considerate, to back up your sister and her kids, like that. Good for you! Perhaps you can bring these points to light, for your mother (if you haven't already). You can't make her change, but hopefully you'll succeed in persuading her. You might put this question to her:

"Mom, when you first started this tradition - what was your motive? Love, right? Then why take it away, when you love them, still? Unless of course, love wasn't the motive. Then I suppose you should withdraw."

This should get her thinking. This isn't for manipulating her into continuing her tradition - this is to help her regain focus, and think with her head instead of her emotions. God forbid, if our lives and blessings were yanked from us, each time we displeased Him... None of us would be here.

Answer 2

Well, it's not a great habit; however, it is not a sin either. You simply need to start realizing that there are consequences for your actions. You didn't know that your sister was keeping it a secret, or at least, that is what you convey. Neither of you really are wrong. But both of you are obstinate. Take the first step but talk to your sister. Your mother should not have acted as her proxy. Then, when you have talked it out with your sister. Let things stir and calm down. Then, approach your mother with dignity and say that you meant no harm but that you worked it out with your sister; then let her come forward and also admit that she took things too far. To reiterate, thinking things through is important but in this case, it is not like the world came to an end. However, remember next time that sometimes people want to give news themselves. So, when you talk to your sister, you can work that out as you should.

Answer 3

She needs to send a card but she doesn't have to send money. It may be a little hard for her these days to provide 50 bucks to every grandchild. It adds up. I mean, I have at least 5 cousins, and if each got 50 bucks, that would be $250! Another $100 for my sis and me, and that would be $350!

If she's retired give her a break.
Maybe she should go ahead and shop for gifts?
She might just be able to get out cheaper than $30 a grandkid!

Answer 4

You are sooo over reacting. Gifts are freely given and if your Mother wants to quit sending them then that is her business. If your sister has a problem then SHE can take it up with your mother. Sounds like your miffed because she id cutting off the older kids. Sheesh, she is not a piggy bank. My family has a cut-off at 18 for all the kids. After 18 it is cards only. What is wrong with that? You are calling your Mom selfish??? Do they send her cards and money on her birthday? What about Thank-You notes. Why are you so hung-up on this?

Answer 5

Tough situation for all involved.

You're asking our opinions, so you may take it or leave it, but here goes...I don't mean to hurt your feelings in the least.

If your children's feelings are hurt by no longer receiving cards and cash from your mother, you are responsible for that...you told her she could no longer send them if she doesn't send to your nieces and nephews, correct? I'm a bit confused because the beginning of the question you said she doesn't want to send to your older kids, but then further into the question you said you told her she couldn't.

She seems to be having some hard feelings for their lifestyles, to which she is entitled, but at the same time, we have to allow our children or grandchildren live and learn, hence make their own mistakes.

I think I'd suggest she call her grandchildren and discuss her feelings with them, instead of putting you in the middle of it.

Gosh...long answer and I still don't feel I answered completely! LOL Like I said in the beginning, tough situation for all involved.

All in all, blame is not the answer...right or wrong, things need to be worked out so that the relationships can be mended :)

Good luck!

Answer 6

Wow that's really questionable and it seems like you are in a tuff situation. I feel that after a certain age when a child becomes an adult the birthday cards with money should stop. You mother should either stop sending the cards to all the kids like you said or send them to all of her grandchildren. i feel that if you explain the situation to your kids who are older they would understand that their grandmother is being selfish and not accepting the changes in society today. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 7

It is too bad that your mom's decisions are tied to your sister's kids. (1) If it were not, then she can stop sending money. You're kids are a little old for that. (2) But if she is cutting off the money to the one who she believes are sinning, then you are both being judgemental. You understand about her...but you are being judgemental by saying she should compromise her values. Probably the best solution is for her to have a talk with you sister not you and see if she can comfortably and calmly explain why the grandchildren's actions hurt her so much. Sometimes talking about the 2 ton elephant in the room makes you feel better.

Answer 8

Seems like you are in a tough situation. Don't jump to conclusions about your mother, but you are right to feel angry. Talking to her will be the best solution to this problem. Tell her exactly what you said in your question, just don't get mad or start an argument. Unless she directly and clearly told you that she doesn't approve of your sister's lifestyle, it may not be true.

Hope this helps you work things out with your mom. Good luck.

Answer 9

Well, you TOLD your mom not to send your kids money, and you may have hurt her feelings.

When YOU give a gift, is it out of obligation, or because you WANT to?

Don't expect her to send cards or gifts to your sister's kids "cuz it's their bdays." That is just wrong, no matter how spoiled for it she may have made your kids. They are adults & SHOULD understand that grammaw doesnt OWE them anything.

Do I think it would be nice for her to at least send a card - of course! Nice, but not necessary. Is that what love of your kids is based on? I mean, think about the big picture. What difference does it REALLY make.

Your kids should be old enough & mature enough to understand that a monetary gift or card or w/e is NOT a measure of their grandma's love. If they don't, then shame on you for not making that clear.

Your mom is probably just taking a unnecessary "stand", like FINE "she doesnt want me to send money, then I am not sending anything". And well, that is wrong on her part.

But don't EXPECT things. It's just not nice.

Answer 10

It does hurt, but you kind of pushed her into it where your kids are concerned. It is her money, and if she gives out of love and with joy that is great. If she really disapproves of lifestyle choices, and wants to send a message loud and clear via the wallet, that is her prerogative. I assume she is on a fixed income and it may be that she just feels like she can't do it anymore. Maybe even that some ought to be coming her direction at this point in her life. You also have to take into consideration that she may be on meds that affect her personality, or that she is struggling with aches and pains that cause her to be different than she used to be. The aging parent thing is difficult to deal with. But remember our turn is coming. God Bless.