My FIL has never treated me properly. He's criticized everything I've ever done. Example: My husband & I went on a 4 day trip so we asked my FIL to watch our ferrets, & when we came home he told us that we aren't ready for kids because we left our ferrets alone without caring. I told him that ferrets are completely different than kids, & he snapped. He told MY FATHER that he was so mad that I had disrespected him like that, that he could've slapped me!! This & other events like it, happened over 2 years ago and he's still complaining to everyone BUT ME about it. I've confronted him about the things that he's mad at me for, & every conversation turns into him screaming and claiming that he is right and i'm young and inexperienced. Winning is not an option with this guy. So here is my dilemma: My husband and I are going to his father's town to visit some old friends, do I visit my FIL and act like nothing is wrong just to keep the "peace", bring up my beef and start a war or avoid him?
2007-04-12 07:23:38 · 35 answers · asked by Jen K 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
you have to realise that some people are just not right okay? i am sure that you wouldnt ask us that question:" my neighbour put poison in my food last sunday..should i start a war or should i forgive him?"..of course u wouldnt becuz the answer looks obvious..well, i will tell you that in that case, it is the exact same story okay?.. i know it is a bit more complicated since you dont want to mess things up with your hubby, but my next point is, is he scared of his father?why cant he stand up for his woman?..i mean when do men grow up?... confront the guy( i mean your bf) and tell him that your fil makes you feel like you are an unfit wife and future mother.. that he has to take him of your back...i know its hard but if u dont , he is just going to make life a living hell for u and for ur hubby...
2007-04-12 07:39:06 · answer #1 · answered by Hitch 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The FIL is obviously an A--hole, you already said it was a no win situation. If you and your hubby are in town it would be rude not to visit, but, nothing says that you have to engage in anything more than the standard conversational bits and pieces. If he wants to get into it with you just turn your back and ignore him, if he continues just leave. Whats your husbands take on all this, true its his father, but, you are his wife, if his father is out of line then maybe your husband should tell him to stop. Don't you just love family dynamics?
2007-04-12 07:44:09 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thankfully, I do not have a problem with my father in law, but sometimes there is problems with the mother in law. My husband and I have found...that we sit and talk about the problem, and then if we feel it's a big enough deal we'll sit his mom down and talk to her about it. We pretty much always work things out. I hope things will work out well for you, your husband, and father in law. It's a tough situation because you want the respect you deserve, and at the same time you don't want to come between your husband and your family. So when you go to visit, be kind, and try VERY VERY hard to avoid confrontation. If you need to walk away for awhile do so and regain your composure and come back smiling!
2007-04-12 07:41:50 · answer #3 · answered by bossmae2003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a bitter old man. Shame feel sorry for him rather than hate him. Go and visit him, but tell your husband, that one word out of place and you leave. Just because you are younger doesnt give him the right to treat you like a child. If you are old enough to be married then you are old enough to demand respect from him. Maybe you dont have as much experience as he does, but that comes with time. It sounds like he doesnt enjoy being 'older'. Dont start a war, its not worth it. For your husbands sake visit him, and show him that you are the better person. Make sure you have a broad smile on your face the whole time you are there. That should get his blood boiling. Good luck.
2007-04-12 07:32:41 · answer #4 · answered by Vonnie S 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I know you've heard the term "Kill him with kindness". My father in law is a person who is never wrong about anything. I've learned to pick my battles. If it's something that I firmly believe in and know there is now way he can prove me wrong yes I argue back. If it's not important to me I ignore it. Alot of times it seems like he is trying to pick a fight but I usually don't take the bait, which annoys him even worse lol. I would show up and act like nothing is wrong. Why give him the satisfaction of knowing that he is bothering you. Why make his day lol. (on the way out the door you can always start and arguement and leave, that way other pple have to listen to him not you :)
2007-04-12 07:58:04 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You married his son, not him. Your husband chose you to share his life with and he should not allow his father to have any say so in your marriage. Or just simply tell him "Your son chose me to be his wife, if you think I am such a terrible person, then maybe you suck as a father and didn't raise your own son right." Most people blame others for the things they hate about themselves.
In my opinion, I would refuse to visit your FIL until he learns to respect you. If your husband doesn't like it, then he needs to fix the situation not you. Have your husband drop you off at a salon and get your hair done or a manicure and destress. :)
2007-04-12 07:53:04 · answer #6 · answered by pamela2406 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can't kill the old fart with kindness, and all other attempts at successful communication has failed, then I would let it go. I wouldn't think you would have to avoid the man complete, just avoid getting into any conversations with him. If there is a choice to be in another room where people are and people you enjoy, then go in the other room. Remember, it takes two to argue. And just because the father in-law is being a total ******, doesn't mean you need to return the favor. Let him be nasty and disrespectful -- be the better person by just smiling at him and walking away.
2007-04-12 07:32:55 · answer #7 · answered by JB 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
you don't have to act like "nothing is wrong", but bringing up the past never solved anything. what is done, is done.
besides.... i don't understand why you'd want to argue with someone who thinks they are right all of the time. he's just an ignorant, goofball, and an attention monger.
control your own emotions. it's not healthy to allow him or anyone else to control your feelings...
you have the option to visit him while you are in the area or not.. if you can tolerate his ignorance, then visit.. otherwise find something else to do if your guy goes to see his father.
take care.
2007-04-12 08:02:32 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you cannot win the battle with your fil. but you can with the war within yourself... first don't play into his game, be cordial and polite and when he begins berating you, then simply excuse yourself (you really don't need to say anything specific but if you do, just say that this is not the kind of "loving conversation to engage in or something to that effect), and secondly, you need your husband to support you and your decision not to be treated badly by his father. without his support or until your husband does, excuse yourself from joining any conversation with your fil. what matter's is your sanity and your support from your husband. work on those and you can either avoid fil or just assertive and walk away...
2007-04-12 07:37:05 · answer #9 · answered by ogg08 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
First off, he probably doesn't hate you. There is something about you that he doesn't like, what is that? You need to work out the core issue. Was the issue there before you married his son?
Maybe get a third party (minister, counselor) could help diffuse the situation and work out a resolution to the core problem.
2007-04-12 07:45:56 · answer #10 · answered by Fester Frump 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋