10 year old son is a theif, liar and now a fire starter!?

Question

I am a single parent of a 10 year old boy, I also have 3 daughters. My son - since he was about 8 has stolen four things and has been caught by me. When I confront him about it he denys it or lies." He stole Pokemon cards from a store, a video game from the neighbor. I make him give them back and apologize. He spent the night with a friend and while there a group of boys broke into a trailer. My son stood outside as the other children stole things. I was furious - though he didn't take anything he was as guilty since he was there and didn't tell an adult what they did. He was grounded for 3 months and I took everything away from him -his room was emptied except for a bed. After good behavior he got it back (3 months). He was good for 4 months, until last night when he "accidently" took a video game and I learned that he and a neighbor made a fire in the other child's yard. What can I do with him? Its not like he needs stuff. If he wants something he can ask me for it. I need help!

Answer 1

There isn't any evidence in what you stated that your son has ADHD (you'd know it by now if he did, trust me) or that he is going to be an axe murderer. You also won't succeed in trying to choose his friends for him, so don't even try. He may or may not end up having some troubles with the law when he is older depending upon a number of factors including how you handle the current situation.

I don't know anything about your overall family dynamics so it is hard to say whether your son's behavior is caused by a lack of attention or some form of a mental health disorder (which cleptomania would be, for example).

A lot of his behavior actually sounds like quite normal kid, and especially boy, mischief, though I can see where you are starting to get alarmed that he doesn't seem to be learning the lessons. And of course you are feeling the normal frustrations of a parent with your child's behavior that all parents sometimes experience. Don't give up.

Keep up with the appropriate discipline even if it seems like it's not working and get even tougher. Lengthen the time he loses privleges, is grounded, etc. Talk to him about the issues of honesty and ethics and what can happen to people who develop dishonesty as a habit. Make it clear to him through your calm and repeated (as time goes on) words that it is critically important to you to raise him as an honest person.

Maybe he feels isolated as the only male in the house and he acts out to get your attention. Negative behavior to get attention from parents is very typical of children who are not receiving the attention they need, and all children are different, some need more attention than others.

Your son may respect you as his mom, but he probably does not identify with you as a role model the way he would identify with a postive male adult role model. Maybe try the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program or find other ways to have a safe, positive, responsible male role model active in your son's life. Maybe get him into Boy Scouts.

If there is no way to get a positive male role model into your son's life, then you may need to make greater efforts to talk with your son about the isolation or lack of direction he may feel. Communication between you and him and his level of trust and faith in you is going to be critically important in the next few years as he transitions from boy to man anyhow.

In that communication it is going to be helpful if you can try to see things sometimes from a male persepective. It's easy to say that to do something is wrong, but that won't take away pressures men feel in our society to prove themselves to themselves and to others. You have to teach him to find another source of strength and self worth.

It might help to find responsibilities (not taking out the trash, at 10 he'll see that only as chore) for your son that will make him feel more grown up and positive about himself.

If all else fails and his behavior worsens, you probably need to take him to a counselor. Playing with fire and a fascination with fire is quite normal for children, though also dangerous and that's the part you need to talk to him about. If he purposefully starts setting things on fire, then you've truly got a problem.

When I was a kid, I stole things with other kids just to see if we could get away with it and because I did not give as much thought to the issue of honesty as I would later in life. I also played with fire with other kids in our garage. I'm not an axe murderer, I don't have ADHD, and I've developed instead to be a person of utmost honesty (even when it doesn't help me). Don't get the idea in your head that there is something wrong with your son, he sounds quite normal.

Answer 2

At ten he's pushing the age limit where "spankings" do any good, anyway, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with spanking him for misbehavior.

As others have said, he could probably use a really good male role model, try enrolling him in a Boy Scouts program, or our church has a Royal Rangers program that is very comparable. The do a lot of "boy" things, like camping, fishing, boating, building things, pine-wood derby races, etc., and the leaders are all screened appropriately. (being in a house with 4 girls can't be easy on him)

On the off chance that your son is just an out of control child, no matter what you do....he argues a lot, never takes responsibility for his actions,etc., try checking out the website below....

Also, it sounds like he may be mixed up with the wrong kind of "friends", if it's possible, maybe move to a different neighborhood or school district, and get him some counseling help, first & formost. If you can't get his behavior under control now, then you're going to be in a lot more trouble when he gets older. How is he supervised while you're at work? Perhaps he doesn't have enough supervision?

Anyway, check the website and see if your son fits any of the categories. I know my oldest, as much as I hated to admit it, is ADD (just like his dad....and it took HIM 34 years to admit that!). My younger son is probably ODD, and we are working on getting him tested by a professional. Then I have a daughter who is 10, and although she's not an angel, she is certainly in more control of her emotions than her older brothers.

My best advice, get him in counseling, enroll him in a boys only type of activity, and see what else you can find to help him out.

Hope this helps!

Answer 3

Oh, my...
Have you considered the possibility he's ADHD with Oppositional Defiance Disorder? My eldest is ADHD, little impulse control. Not a bad kid, he just does stuff without thinking.
I took a parent questionare as part of his diagnosis process, and it asked if he stole things or started fires (thank goodness, he doesn't) but the doc said kids who do those things can have an extended aspect of Attention Deficit Disorder that is pretty distructive. A combination of counseling, behavioral modification (good behavior charts/ family rule enforcement, really simple) and some meds (ritalin comes in many formulations nowadays, and the lower doses, like my kid is on, don't have so many side effects.)
I would haul him in to a reputable pediatrician. There are social services in my town that help there if you haven't insurance. He might be adhd, or he might need some counseling or some such-- don't forget most schools have social workers nowadays, you can ask them for help too! Don't give up-- you obviously care, and a lotta parents don't, they've got too many problems of their own. You are a good parent, or you wouldn't be asking for help. You deserve help. Start making some phone calls to get it. Good luck!

Answer 4

This must be extremely frustrating for you as a parent. First, I would take a very close look at my own behavior (honestly). Children mirror parents behavior and actions (that's how they learn). You might want to set up a video recorder or tape recorder to find out if you are doing something that you wouldn't believe unless you played it all back. Second, I'm guessing your son is upset/angry/hurt about not having a father in his life. I don't know your circumstances, but you should consider his actions a call for help. Third, you should have him see a doctor to get a complete physical. If he needs counseling, get it for him. Make sure his teacher and the school principal know he's having troubles. Good luck.

Answer 5

Your child needs some therapy, and so may the rest of your family so that you can deal with him appropriately. It shoulds as if you are doing the right things, but not making any headway. Consider a therapist before things get really out of hand. He is still young enough to turn this around, your just going to need some help. Kudos to you for being a single parent with 4 children. That can't be easy. Everyone needs help from time to time, and right now is you and your childs time. The fire starting thing is most concerning. If he hurts someone, which is a high possibility if he keeps starting fires,
both you and your son will have a lifetime of repercussions to deal with. Good luck to you and your family, and even if the road to recovery is hard, just know when he turns out to be a healthy, well adjusted adult, he will thank you for your hard work and patience.

Answer 6

Sounds like several of the problems are when he's with his "friends". Don't know exactly what living situations are, but to keep him close at hand at all times and not staying at these so called friends. Any possibility of getting him involved in something like sports. It took me a long time to understand how soccer or other sports could make a difference, but I realized it occupies a decent amount of their time so they are being supervised at that time as well as when they are at home they are usually practicing so that the sports are still on their mind, not stealing video games. Also if the friends he has are getting him into trouble this will introduce him to other people. At ten years old it's easy for them to make and change friends.

Answer 7

Well, first off...i'd start with a good spanking. After that, i'd suggest monitoring the kids he plays with, sounds like they are'nt the greatest bunch either. Beyond that, there is the male role model or lack of one. Him being a boy, in a home full of women must be hard, try getting him into sports football, baseball, basketball...those will help by giving him positive interactions with boys his age who are focussed on other things than mischief, as well as good role models in the coaches and fathers there. Not to mention, once he is playing sports...he'll likely be too tired to get into any big trouble. Good Luck.

Answer 8

Make him go to counselling. Maybe there's something underlying that's causing him to behave this way. Or maybe you could introduce him to sports or other activities where he'll meet new friends and get away from bad influences? If at all possible, his father should be included on the discipline...and in his life, or if he can't be than there must be some male role model that you know can help guide him. Good luck!

Answer 9

SPANK the hell out of him. Show him your furious rage and anger. Get his pops to spank him. My son is 7, and my wife won't spank him because there is no reaction from him. I have given him 3 big spankings in his life, and everyone hurt me inside and I cried afterward. He learned his lesson and the corrections were made. He knows now, that if he screws up or disrespects his teacher or another adult in anyway, his bottom will be sore and he will have no priviledges. Tough love, yet love none the less. When he does good, go overboard with praise and pride.
PS Don't pawn him off on some military school. He is your problem to fix. You created him up to this point, made him what he is. Take responsibility and correct him everytime he needs it.
Good luck, you're gonna need it.

Answer 10

He’s just making bad decision. Explain to him what happens when you steal things when you are an adult. He needs to know what could really happen if he did something against the law and was caught. Scare the crap out of him and then he might understand why he shouldn't start fires and take things.

Answer 11

I don't think your son needs therapy, just some serious punishments! My uncle was exactly like that, he used to torture my poor mom with BB guns and stuff like that. He eventually outgrew it, but got his butt beaten!!!! He is going to be rotten because of the age, but stealing is not good at all. After making him walk it over to the friend (go with him) make him tell the friend he stole it. I bet you he'll think twice next time. The fire doesn't surprise me, not for a 10 year old boy. Still bad, yes, but not abnormal. Alot of grounding, punishment, and patience to ride this stage out will help. Just don't let anything slide!!!!! Stay on your toes, mean what you say, and stick by your punishments. Let his teachers know what's going on and tell him that you will resort to sitting at school at lunch with him, kids HATE that! The main thing my mother did to keep an eye on me was get me a watch.. if I didn't call and check in every 30 min to an hour, she would track me down and I was instantly sorry I didn't!! Good luck to you, but don't worry. I don't think you have a future serial killer on your hands :)