Why do some people think they have the right to invade my personal space?

Question

Not too long ago, I had two separate occasions in which perfect strangers touched me. The first time, I was working at my desk at one of my jobs, and a client came up and touched me on the arm, even though I didn't give him permission to do so. The second time, another client saw me in another setting, and she actually GRABBED me by the arm as I was walking to stop me, so she could talk to me. I was really pissed off by this on both occasions, but I didn't say anything, because I was afraid I would lose control.

Answer 1

I completely agree. I am not a touchy-feely person either. The old greeter at Walmart grabbed my arm the other day to see my receipt and I was furious. I had a hard time controlling myself too and didn't say anything to her at the time, either.

But the issue here is that people have different definitions of personal space. For me it is at least the length of my arms. If I can stick my arms out in front of me and touch you--you are too close. However I have a very close male friend who has no personal space. No concept of it at all and many of our female friends have tried to explain to him that women in general feel uncomfortable with this. He has tried to be respectful and think about personal space rules but it is something he is consciously thinking, not something that is "natural" to him. My husband is a very touchy feely person, always hugging people goodbye. It took me a while to realize that even on a first meeting, his family is going to hug me goodbye.

Pregnant women and women with young babies complain about this all the time. Strangers they do not even know come up and touch their bellies or come up to talk to the baby.

A client feels he has a personal relationship with the company, and therefore employees of the company are in his intimate circle. This client probably feels comfortable around your boss and therefore you.

I have also noticed many people feel comfortable to grab someone if they are walking, in order to stop them. Touch gets our attention faster than calling your name and especially if the place is loud. That seems to be the norm.

However no matter how comfortable they are, it is rude to touch or grab someone you do not know personally. It is rude to violate someones personal space. But you want to remain polite b/c it was really just a mistake. They didn't know that violated your personal rules b/c it would not have upset many other people. Especially for the client who might make sure your career suffered if you made him/her feel awkward.

Just try to say politely "I am terribly sorry but I am rather uncomfortable being grabbed, b/c I really don't know you that well" I might also add something about it being related to something in your past that you don't want to get into. It's a small white lie but helps them save face.

They will probably apologize and say they didn't know. You can just tell them that there is no way they could possibly but that you wanted to let them know. That way they will be aware not to touch, but you have allowed them to leave not feeling like you are mean or too sensitive or whatever.

Also, if you see someone coming at you to touch you just take a couple steps back. That usually gives the signal to most people and they let it drop. Also, in order to increase your personal space, stand with one leg out in front. Not only does it automatically give a space restriction (no one would strattle your leg) but also turns your body slightly to the side, which gives you more open space in front of your face.

Hope these suggestions help.

Answer 2

First off, it is NEVER OK for a perfect stranger to touch you. You would think that nowadays, people would realize that, but some don't. Simply touching someone without permission is considered assault.

The only advice I can offer is to be more aware of your surroundings. If you see someone you think may be "touchy-feely" approaching, stop what you are doing and acknowledge their presence BEFORE they have a chance to get their mitts on you. I come from a "huggy" family and, most times, when strangers touch you, it is to get your attention. I've done it without thinking, but usually apologize immediately afterward.

The whole "rubbing the belly" thing for pregnant women is totally inappropriate. My wife went through this with quite a few total strangers. The only people who should touch a pregnant woman ANYWHERE are her significant other and her doctor.

Answer 3

Many people who don't respect personal space don't even realize or think that it's a problem- hence they don't give it a second thought. Things like personal background, upbringing, and even cultural/religious factors can hold sway. Truth to the fact is, though, ground rules about what is or is not acceptable must be established any time there are people from different walks of life in the same area(like the workplace). Otherwise, altercations could break out, and harm productivity and/or the quality of work. I would talk to your supervisor as to what to do when you are both in a calm state of mind. He or she can then establish a time for everyone to meet and establish those ground rules.

Answer 4

They've got some good points, and there is a balance to this thing, to be fair. On one hand, people should respect each other's space. As a mindful courtesy, one should be careful not to be in a person's face, or make them uncomfortable with too much touching, etc. For most, this is common sense. But there are some who have those imposing, in-your-face personalities - who are somewhat wreckless in this area. That's one extreme. On the other hand - you may want to ask yourself why you are so touchy about your space or being touched. Sure, everyone is different. But most would not be bothered by a mere touch on the arm. I could see it, if a person is too close when talking to you, or touching you in a malicious, aggressive, or otherwise inappropriate or careless fashion. I even understand not being huggy. But generally, the rest is mere routine human communication and connection; something neutral or positive. When people are "punished" for this, it makes them feel exasperated, snubbed - and wonder what your problem is. There needs to be some elbow room for understanding - on both sides.

I'm not suggesting that this is you, but some people who have been abused (physically, sexually) - even an isolated incident, if it was traumatizing enough - develop hypersensitivities to being touched or having their personal space invaded. Or, they may have had some other unpleasant incident/history related to someone violating their personal space. Just something to think about. Without invalidating your feelings - you also should work on not having such an aggravated response to instances of normal physical communication which are truly harmless. It is utterly normal, to relate to each other with all of our senses; as long as its done appropriately and sensibly. In otherwords - learn how to discern whether the strength of your reactions/feelings are valid, to their fault - or due to issues, on your part. Otherwise, you are going to come off to people as something you probably aren't - an overly dramatic, funny-acting person, among other things. Its unnecessary negativity, which neither you nor anyone else, needs.

Answer 5

Have you tried telling them that it's NOT OK to touch you? I agree that people should keep their hand to themselves, especially in a work atmosphere. I think that MOST of us learned this in our Kindergarden Years. Perhaps they had poor teachers or role models, so it's up to the people who don't want to be touched to tell these "space invaders" to BACK OFF! I give people ONE VERBAL WARNING by saying, "Did I ask you to touch me?" or "I don't want to be touched because I don't know where your hands have been"! They can think I'm a germ-a-phobic like Howie Mandel or a nut case from another world, but IF they dare to touch me again, they get a rude awakening when I scratch them with my pen or pencil. It has only happened twice & it was worth the effort & risk. I used to explain that I had violent tendencies & they were doing themselves a favor, but that was tooo much info for the Office. Anger management helped me to learn control & assertion classes taught me to speak up for myself & scream if I needed to! Another tip is how you react when you are touched unexpectedly. If you are seated at your desk, it takes very little effort to kick someone in the shins or roll your chair over a foot or bang the side or back of your chair into them. This is a natural reaction to being startled & your co-worker would have a hard time proving otherwise. There should be more done by the higher-ups in these situations, but they just don't seem to understand people who don't want to be touched. For me, it's a germ thing & a spiritual thing. Everyone is entitled to their own space. period.

Answer 6

i'm not a very touchy feely person either. but some people are. an old boss of mine thought it was ok to come up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders or on my neck. that always gave me the creeps. i don't even like hugging most of the time.

but there are a lot of people out there that think it is ok. that is part of their mannerism. they speak with their hands and touch you. that is their way of emphasizing that they are speaking with you and that their complete attention is on you.

as for the woman who grabbed you as you were walking, that is uncalled for. she could have just as easily said your name or maybe tap you on the shoulder or something just to let you know that she is calling you. i know when i am passing a large group of people i will place my hand on someones back as i am passing by, just so they know that i am there and to not move back and run me over.

don't let it get to you. that's just how they are.

Answer 7

People don't seem to realize that not everyone likes to have their personal space "bubble" invaded.

This has happened to me SO much lately. I'm 7 months pregnant, and it seems like wherever I go, I get at least one total stranger trying to rub my belly. They don't seem to realize that I have a look on my face of total disgust, and I'm not buddah.

Next time someone does that to you, politely mention it, or move away from their grasp. If that doesn't work, then you have permission to flip out on them.

Answer 8

A lot of people tend to invade others spaces to get noticed or attended to quicker. They don't have respect as they feel they are being disrespected, they feel ignored or neglected. You do need to set boundaries in my opinion with strangers. Simply tell them you are uncomfortable with them grabbing/touching you, of course say it politely, that is your space and you deserve to be safe in it.