My new boyfriend has strong feelings on how to discipline and I don't agree.?

Question

My boyfriend is 21 years old, has no kids and is a peace officer for a local department. I am 23 years old and a volunteer for a local EMS service. I have a two year old little boy, who is my world. My boyfriend was disciplined in a way that I do not agree with, and he is not allowed to disipline my son in that manner. I believe in spankings with a paddle, and only on the butt. His father disiplined him with what ever was close. Now I've already explained to him that my "Mother Horns" will come out and he will see a side of me he never knew existed if he ever did anything like that to my son. But I want to help him realize that, just because he never did anything wrong because his dad beat him(so to speak). That it is the only way. I really need help. He is a great and caring guy, but I see us fighting over this in the future and I want to be prepared for it, and hopefully wing him my way before it becomes a serious issue.

Ok. Some of you are not understanding. My child is not currently spanked with a paddle, or with anything else for that matter. He doesn't spank my child, nor will he ever. But eventually he is going to have children, and it may not be with me. I simply need help letting him know that it is not ok to discipline a child that way. He is not an angry person, nor an abusive person, he has shown no aggression torwards my son. It was a conversation that we had, and it through up a flag. I want to help him to understand that it is not okay. I am an excellent mother, and currently I am using distractions to guide my son. Being in ems I am very familiar with CPS and abused children. Believe me my child is far from being abused.

Boomasti....
I cannot just assume he is going to be some horrible child abuser and leave just because his father raised him to belief it was ok for these things to happen. I will stay with him, and provide him with as much information as I can on child care. I can't condemn him for something he has not done; something I can't garuntee he will do. His boundries with my son have been set, and I trust he will not break them. But I do believe that having him take some parenting classes, some child development classes, and any other classes to help him understand exactly what happens in a childs mind when he disiplines a child in that manner. I want to simply educate him on what his actions are actually doing to a child. If you are taught a wrong way of doing something but it is the only way you know then you assume its right, until you learn that it is wrong. I am going to lead the horse to water, and if he doesn't drink then i can walk away knowing that I did my part.

Answer 1

At this point he is your son and this man has nothing to do with that!

If this were to continue to a marriage, you at that point should know what to expect this man to do when it comes to discipline. If you agree you will get married, if you dont then you should run the other way.

Answer 2

The boyfriend is someone who has been damaged by being beaten as a child and who believes "and I'm ok". I wouldn't have him around my child.

Also, if any officials were to learn that you are hitting your two-year-old baby with a paddle it is likely you will be in trouble as well. Nothing a two-year-old does deserves being hit. Two-year-olds just do what they are interested in doing. They don't think, "Hey. I think I'll do something evil." Nobody who just does what is natural for his age should be hit because he'll have no idea what he's be hit for.

Your job is take him away from whatever it is he's doing, tell him why he can't be doing it (the electrical outlet will burn, he'll fall down the steps, the cat has feelings, etc.). He won't get it right away, and you'll still have to keep your eye on what he's doing all the time, but after a while your explaining to him why he shouldn't be doing one thing or another will sink in, and he'll be a child who has a brain that has learned morality and basic, decent, social behavior.

If you really need to hit (and he'll learn, as you have, that hitting is the way to deal with things and people) you shouldn't do more than give him a single swat on the bottom.

You should do some studying up of the developmental stages of toddlers and see how most two-year-olds do the same stuff. You could sign up for a parenting class or at least read the Super Nanny book(s) or watch her program. Also, you may want to find online the verse, "Children Learn What They Live".

You aren't going to win the damaged boyfriend's way over to yours any more than people who don't paddle their babies will win you over to theirs.

My siblings and I were raised in a no-hitting house, and I've raised my three adult children the same way. They were always super-well behaved, moral kids and have grown up that way. They enjoy a close relationship with their siblings, and I enjoy a close relationship with them. They're decent people, and they know that children can be raised without being bullied. Its too bad so many people don't realize that.

Why not hold off on boyfriends while you have a small child. One of the biggest problems when it comes to child abuse are mothers' having boyfriends.

Answer 3

My husband was beat as a child, I' m talking 2 x fours and broken ribs and lighter fluid being poured on him and a lighter lit and well you get the picture there were 12 children in the home all were seriously abused as children. None of them had counseling or any other intervention they lived in the situation until they were old enough to run.

Not one will even spank their children . And most of them wont even yell at their children.

Just because it happened to them, does not mean that they will pass it on to their own children
Our oldest is 21 years old, a pretty good kid never really gave us much trouble but not once in all those years did Wayne even show a desire to hit him. Our other two are 10 and 8. The ten year old is mouthy and hard headed and tries every thing she can to get some one to the breaking point but he has never done any more than raise his voice and that bothers him.

I believed as you do that at some point he was gonna but I was wrong.

I have to do all the correcting in the house not because he will over correct, but because he won't correct. And I am very limited as to how I can correct. No yelling, I think that is because he was yelled at and called names.

I realize that not every one has the same turn out, but 12 out of 12 well that is some pretty good proof that not every one who is abused will be an abuser.

Answer 4

Your boyfried will probably have a difficult time changing his mindset simply because his ideas about discipline have been ingrained in him throughout his life. First, I respect that as a parent, you have the right and obligation to choose what is right for your child. But, as an early childhood consultant, I do urge you to also reconsider your position on spanking. Please go to www.consciousdiscipline.com for excellent parent resources that will not only give you and your boyfriend new approaches that work, but can help you understand the effects of inappropriate interactions and discipline with children. I recommend the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey.
By being open to change yourself, you will model the same behavior that you would like from your boyfriend. Hopefully your example to learn new strategies will encourage your boyfriend to do the same. By the way, Dr. Bailey also has numerous audio tapes.
Finally, another easy to read (and do) book is Redirecting Children's Behavior by Kathryn J. Kvols. Good luck on your journey. I can tell by your post that you love your son very much and that you want to give him the absolute best you have to give.

Answer 5

After reading all that you sound very concern...that's awesome! shows right there you are a wonderful mother and a caring person. I am a single mother of a 10 month old so i can kinda relate. I took abuse and neglect class actually before i had him, its a wonderful class. you can go to a tech school under early childhood education. its honestly hard to try to open his eyes by yourself with just your words...I actually grew up with my mom overly spanking me then turned into nasty marks, so i am against spanking, its like hitting a puppy, the puppy has no clue all he knows is he is scared **** less of you now.

he is a guy so he is going to see it all differently. A spank on the Hand or the but lightly, you do not want to use force once you do, it puts fear in the kids, some people say that's good but I'm raising mine that he will be spanked when he does something knotty, with just my hand. i cant tell you the number of times i hid from my mom b/c she was going to spank me. make peace not war, is what i say, your not going to spoil him by not spanking him harder or with other objects, children are smart they will catch on quick. say no and try to be stern...when you mean it, for you guy, i think if he really wants to see it from your view, he will check it out and not be so closed minded. i hope i did some help.take care. peace


ps. if nothing changes with the bickering about this, you know what to do, you baby is way more inportant then this dude

Answer 6

I would really like to know a decent answer to this question myself. "My" son is ten and my boyfriend and i have one on the way. Well when my son comes home with a bad grade or i have to tell him to clean his room more than once my b/f brings up "if that were me that wouldn't happen" , and "my parents wouldn't go for that". My son is a great well behaved, very loving and well mannered child. I have never had to spank him with anything. Yet the way my b/f was diciplined as a child was military style and of course his father growing up isn't his real dad. I'm thinking the step-father was harder on him because he wasn't his. I'm worried that "my two sons" will be treated very differently by father/step-father.

Answer 7

Wow. That's a long explained question. It's important that any girlfriend/boyfriend coming into a relationship with someone who has a kid realizes that the parent gets to choose how the child is raised. I think you've made that very clear to your boyfriend, and that should work fine. I would only be concerned if you plan on settling down and having more children with him. If you do intend to go that way, I think you should talk him into counseling/parenting classes in order to get on the same page with raising the children together. If he really thinks that the way his father raised him is the only way to raise kids, do not have kids with him, because he will do to them what was done to him.

Answer 8

You may be fighting an uphill battle trying to change your boyfriend's view on discipline. I also question the idea of paddling. That, too, can be construed as child abuse. What if you had to leave your child,at home with this boyfriend and your child misbehaved? Do you really believe he would follow your request not to beat your child? I think not. This a critical issue and I think you realize. If this man is going to be in your life for some time, there will be numerous occasions when your child will misbehave, because it's natural for kids to do so. I think you and this man will be at each other's throats because he is going to act out what he grew accustomed to seeing in his own home, and he has told you this. He may be "a great and caring guy" (your words), but WORD OF CAUTION: In many of the child abuse cases you see in the news, boyfriends were the culprits who harmed the children, and the mothers were too intimidated to speak up and consequently allowed the abuse. You may say you have"mother horns," but really, how strong are you???
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I don't know if you are in denial or you just misled us but your latest comment bears no resemblance to what you said earlier. You stated that you saw the two of you fighting over this (the difference in outlook on discipline) and that you wanted to be prepared for it, you wanted to wing him your way before it becomes a serious issue. Now you are saying that he will probably be with someone else, and you are making it sound as if you are simply a "do-gooder" who wants to train this man and send him on his merry old way. You're not making any sense at all.

Answer 9

You better do something before someone, your son, gets hurt. Your boyfriend isn't the father and he should not be physically disciplining your son. This guy is just your boyfriend and there is no way of telling whether he will be in the future now or not, but you should set a standard now, that the men that come into your life, should not be allowed to discipline your son, he is your son and absent his biological father, you wear two hats, the discipline part is yours and yours alone. God Bless.

Answer 10

You have to ask him, did his father physically abuse his mother, too? He may be hinting at a homelife you aren't prepared for, and are anxious about now. If his dad hit him with the first thing, he's trying to tell you he's accustomed to his right to fly off the bat anytime he wants and in any manner. In time, this could include you.
I would be very careful in proceeding to a more serious relation with him, as law officials sometimes live with a great deal of stress, and take it out on their spouses and children and it is often overlooked if he is a policeman. You may be one of the last women they will help in a domestic situation. Really consider the things he is trying to tell you. As an EMT you are on the caring, giving side of the profession, although you experience stress. His is much more aggressive and physical. Ask him how his parents marriage was, and if he bullied his wife right out of the house, or kept her and abused her. If his mother lived with him, why was he always treated this way. Does he blame the woman now, and will carry on this pattern of blaming the women? It doesn't sound like a good person to live with, although you could have a lifelong friend.

Answer 11

I was in the same situation with my current husband. I do not physically discipline my children, I never have. I'm not saying that's better or worse than anyone else, it just works for me. At the time I met my husband I already had a 4 year old boy. He (husband) came from exactly the same background as your boyfriend, and also has two of his own children who he did physically discipline as they were growing up. He could not understand why i wouldn't do the same.
I was in a very physically abusive relationship years ago, as an adult. When we are children we get spanked, or paddled or whatever, and when we grow into adults alot of times we forget what was going through our heads as children when we did get in trouble. But because I was in an abusive relationship, I remember how it feels to have someone come at you out of anger, or because you have done something wrong. It will forever be in my memory the stinging of getting slapped or punched or thrown down, etc. There is a fear, and there is confusion. I couldn't imagine a child ever having those thoughts, and they do. They may get over it quickly because they are children, but for that brief moment, as children, we are afraid and scared and feel unloved.
The strangest expression I have ever heard is "I'm doing this for your own good." I don't understand that. As a child, that makes absolutely no sense.
I explained this concept to my husband, made him understand what it feels like..As I said, as a child he was physically disciplined, sometimes severly, but as an adult, we don't always remember what that felt like.
So anyway, that's what I did. I don't want my children afraid of me at any time for any reason. I would never want them to feel the way that I did, as an adult, when someone put their hands on me.
My son is 14 and my daughter 12, and I have honestly never had to lay a hand on them..I discipline in other ways. I talk to them, make them understand what they did wrong, and how that effects us as a unit...lack of trust, etc.
As I said, it works for us. We have a daughter together, and he has never raised a hand to her or my son, so for him, the concept made it through.