My mom says that I don't get to blame her for our situation?

Question

I told my mom that I have set bounderies so many times and she can't see it. Now she can't be a big part of my or my kids ife anymore because I am done with that. I am moving on to healthy things in my life. I told her that SHE can't see my bounderies. SHE can't accept my limits. SHE can't respect the way I parent my kids. SHE wants to change my kids. SHE knows what my kids need. SHE made this situation. She called me back to say 'I dont' get to blame her'.... I don't get it. If she could see or respect my bounderies.. we wouldn't be here.. how is it my fault? I think my saying that SHE made this situation is accurate.

Answer 1

First off : I'm sorry that you're going through this.

It's a common scenario. The elder parents have a hard time letting go of their parental ''authority''.

You are being a good mother. The fact is it's NOT your fault. And don't EVER let her convince you it is. Your mother is a controlling, power hungry person. In the interest of your children, you need to distance yourself, your family and your children from her. It's tough, but it's the right thing (for your kids).

Good Luck.

Answer 2

Ok more details, but here is what I think, They are your children, grand parents are there to spoil the kids, and parents to be their role models. You may be upset because she did not do that when you where a little boy or girl. So just take a deep breath and write her a letter with your rules and let her know the reasons behind those rules. She , yes should respect those rules, but remember that she has a right to give in a little and give more to them. She has been around longer than you and has wisdom that can help you, don't be afraid to be open to her advice. Shutting your mom out will only bring resentment between your kids and you. Let her be the special one in their lives.

Answer 3

finally, the accountability to your husband's movements lies squarely on his shoulders. i do no longer understand what variety of church you pass to and that i do no longer understand why the management hasn't have been given in touch with this dysfunctional mess. and that i've got no longer any thought why you will sweep this affair below the rug and permit this woman to be close to you and your husband. you're an absolute fool and your husband is a gutless coward. He needs to develop a pair and placed an end to this adulterous $lut's advances, and he needs to start turning out to be to be one in all those guy you could have faith and remember on. I assure you, the 2d your husband gets adequate nerve to actual placed his foot down, this woman will stop texting him. good god! What a wuss! i will not be able to think of a guy being so terrified of war of words, that he will enable yet another woman to come lower back between him and his spouse. and then he blames you for it! surprising! whilst there are church people such as you who're so puzzled approximately barriers and morality, that's no ask your self Christians are mocked and ridiculed.

Answer 4

You DO get to blame her, if that's what you wish to do. When she says you don't get to do that, what she means is (of course) that she FEELS it's wrong of you to do so, and it probably hurts her when you do so. BUT, she can't prevent you from feeling the way you do, and just because she doesn't agree with your feelings, that does NOT mean your feelings are wrong!

It sounds like your mom must've done a lot of things, over the years, that caused you to finally draw this line. I don't know what she did, but I'm assuming you gave her plenty of chances to change and/or improve. She, apparently, chose NOT to, so you have to do what's right for you and your kids. YOU know yourself and your kids better than your mom does. Trust your instincts. I'm sorry it's come to such dire straits though, but it sounds like you made the effort to compromise and patch things up, but your mom didn't or can't. So, it will ultimately be HER loss, not yours. Sad but true. Good luck! :)

Answer 5

It looks like you have successfully antagonized each other. I see a power trip for both of you. Who wins? You? I dont think so. Her? Nope..
There are no winners here. Just losers. Your kids are deprived of grandma as they are growing up. All of you lose in some sad way.
You are all trying to rule by force and determine who is queen of the castle. Whoever will win will be the one who loves the most. Love unconditionally.
Let the kids visit. Your kids will not change simply because grandma wants them to. God willing, they wont grow up to be so stubborn that even the two of you with your mother cannot get them to bend, nor listen.
Guess who they grew up with as role models.

Answer 6

Blame isn't the issue. You have to set boundaries, because sometimes parents forget that their children are ADULTS.

We had to stop letting my mother-in-law babysit our kids in our home when she started going through our closets. I know she did because she took something that she thought was "hers" from my closet while we were out to dinner one night.

It took us several years before my Mother-In-Law realized that our home was not just an extension of her house, and that our kids were not hers.

The best thing you can do is set boundaries and keep them. I know it's hard, but it's harder for your kids if they get "mixed messages" when your mom tries to raise them one way, and you try to do it another.

Your mom's job is to SPOIL your kids on occasion, and then go home when the REAL work needs to be done. She had her shot at raising kids - it's YOUR turn now!

Answer 7

well sometimes people arent in a place in their live where they are able or willing to take responsibility for their own actions or behavoirs. some people never get there. all you can do is what you feel is best for you and your family. they come first. be sure and talk to your mother and tell her it has nothing to do with blame or anything else anymore this just how things are going to be. the choice is hers - your way or no way. good luck!!

Answer 8

Boy, this sounds familiar. Recognize that your mom will NEVER agree with you on this. You may be completely right, but that doesn't matter.

I assume you are talking to a therapist - they are usually the ones to tell you about setting boundaries etc. You should discuss with him/her how to move on from this situation - you need to defind boundaries, but you also need to learn to enforce them without fighting with mom all the time.

I SO understand - good luck!

Answer 9

It is hard to know what you are talking about when you give no indication of what the boundaries are. If they are unreasonable, she will probably ignore them. It is hard to imagine what limits or boundaries you would set that you and your mother couldn't work out. Could be you are both just being stubborn and the children are the ones who are being deprived because of it.

Answer 10

Unfortunatley, as parents we make mistakes. Children don't come with a training manual. I sense alot of resentment in your post. These are your kids. YOU make the final decision. Don't bIame others. If your mom ruined your life..get counseling.
Then move on. Don't drag the kids into it.