How do I heal from a mother who was never cut out to be a parent?

Question

My relationship with my mom sucks. She dropped me off at grandma's house when I was 4, & never looked back. Granny was the greatest. I was loved, cared for and spoiled rotten. However, when my sister was born, I was 8 & couldn't believe that mom snuck back to California and left my 2 week old baby sister with us, while she resumed her responsibility-free life. Later on, I went to college & later joined the Army. Mom decided that at 19, I needed some harsh, motherly advice. I just wasn't receptive to her after all these years. Since then, we have exchanged hurtful words with each other. She was diagnosed with Cancer in 2004, so I decided to bury the hatchet. For the 1st time, it was cool to spend time with her, but in time, she got mad at me, this time for choosing my 5 year old daughter over her. I've had it with the emotional rollercoaster. I purposely shower my kid with the love and stable home she deserves. Why is my mom tripping after all these years of having her way?

Answer 1

You said it in your question....she left her children without looking back, so how could she possibly understand the motherly, nurturing love that you have for your child? It just isn't in her and my feeling is that a mother that is capable of doing this to her children has to be a self-centered person. Her needs always came before her childrens....and how could she offer any advice to a child she was never there for? She never created that bond between parent and child from the beginning, so how is it possible to magically have it appear once she needs you? I feel you are quite the lady to have buried the hatchet, not many would or could have done that. I feel she is tripping only because she is not the center of attention....why would any parent have a child choose between loved ones? Sorry, but I feel only a selfish one...I speak these words as I was a child of such a mother and she died of cancer last year. She just wasn't and couldn't be the mother I wanted and needed..BUT I made the choice that I was going to be a better Mom, so my children benefited from what I didn't have. I have the love and surrounded myself with people who really love and care for me....sounds as you have been blessed with that also, so just surround and hold closely those who love you. Your mother just wasn't capable...and sadly her loss.

Answer 2

Your mom sounds like my mom when she was still doing drugs. Does your mother have a substance abuse problem that you know of?

I think that you just have to accept that she is the way she is and move on. Just because a woman is born a woman, that doesn't mean that if she gets pregnant and has kids she automatically gets those maternal instincts that seem so natural to most people. There isn't anything you can do about it but accept her for who she is. I had the same kind of issues with my mom (she left my sister and I with my grandparents when we were 1 year and 3 months old respectively) and while it was so hard to deal with, when she died I wished I had gotten more time with her. It may not have been the most loving mother daughter time, but she was my mother and I wish I had known her better. Maybe I would have understood why she was the way she was. I should have let go of my expectations of what she should have been and accepted her for who she was, if only to know who my mother was.

Answer 3

Good girl! Always chose your child. I am about to tell you one of the best kept secrets, one that will relieve you in your future. Your mom is a psychopath. Rev up your computer and do the research. Also drop by spouses of psychopath's support groups and read their stories. You want to get a handle on the mind of a psychopath so you can move on with your life without her. The never look back and the controlling nature are key signs of this very destructive character. Never, never feel guilt. Always, always show your Granny your appreciation. Be very proud of yourself for turning your life into something despite her. Go live a great life.

Answer 4

It's true. Some women just aren't motherly at all no matter how hard they try. One thing that you do need to thank her for is leaving you and your sister with your Granny. She knew Granny would love and care for her because she couldn't or wouldn't. That is good and I want you to remember that. She could have put you in foster care or put you up for adoption or just aborted you. Please call her tomorrow and spend some time with her. She is sick and you will never forgive yourself if you don't make amends with her before she dies. Thank God and her that she cared enough about you to make sure you were taken care of properly. Then be grateful that she didn't keep you for selfish reasons and not care for you as a child. You just need to remember you are not alone. Lots of kids grow up like you. You are one of the lucky ones. Give your Mom a hug and a kiss and thank her for giving you to loving Granny. Good luck, Sweetie.

Answer 5

i don't know why these women do this to their kids, but i am guessing that selfishness is the big factor. my mother put me in care at 11 and i haven't seen her since. I'm 46, it still hurts. i used to hate her but long ago decided that even that hurt me too bad. now. i pity her. it sounds to me that despite the awful experience you have had, you have grown to be a well adjusted hard working woman, and a wonderful parent to boot. that's the trick, don't you think? to break the pattern and to ensure that your kids never have to pay for the crap that your mother loaded you with.
what to do with the future?? at the moment, if i were you, i would leave it. bring up your daughter and continue to lavish her with love. be there for your nan, as she was a mother to you. if/when your birth mother comes to you with an apology, decide from there. if not, and even if she departs this world without acknowledging the pain she gave you, then the best you can do is to wish her well on the next journey.

good luck to you, and to all those people out there who, like me have no good mother to speak of

Answer 6

I feel sorry for that you had to go through life without a real stable mother. She definitely has allot of issues with herself
in being a responsible person and parent..It's great you had
a wonderful grandparent. It sounds like she may have tried to come back and be a better mother to you but a little late after
you have raised yourself all these years. She needs your help
now because she is sick. It's best to forgive her but don't let
her hurt you anymore. She really needs to talk to someone
so she can heal from her past and understand the damage she caused. Maybe she could speak with a good counselor.
She would feel better if she could forgive herself if she is not
in denial about the past. Good luck! you sound like a great
mother to you daughter!

Answer 7

You expressed it in your first sentence. She never grew up enough to be a mother.
That is sad for both you and her. But you had an amazing Granny who found her calling in raising you and your sister. Focus only on the love she gave you, Feel sorry for your mother.
She didn't ask to be the way she was, life sort of kicked her in the face as well.
She missed out on you and she has realised it too late. Treat her pretty much as you would your daughter, forgive her her foibles and you should get on OK.
P.S. It is OK not to love her or even like her!

Answer 8

I was left with my Grandparents when I was 2 months old. My parents had never been married and my mom didn't want me. My father was incapable of taking care of himself let alone me so when my mother handed me off to him, he handed me off to his parents. I get along okay with my dad now, but my mom is a different story. When I was pregnant with my first child I asked her why I was the one she gave up(I have an older half sister and a younger half brother). She looked me square in the eyes and said I was the only one she never wanted. I had spoken to her only a handful of times since the birth of my daughter but the last straw came when my son was born and she refused to even see him.
Some women were never really cut out to be good mothers. I don't know why. All I can tell you is love your child with every ounce of your being and break the cycle. That is what I do with my kids every day. I now realize I was better off without her in my life. My sister was in and out of foster care all her young life and my brother died of undetermined causes when he was 2. My sister is so messed up that I won't let her near my children for fear that she will harm them. I now fear that my sister is on the same path as my mother with her 3 children. Pray for your mother she needs it.

Answer 9

I feel your pain. My step brothers were abandoned by their mother so she could keep on enjoying her reponsibility-free life.

When they became adults she because a bit more receptive to seeing them... which they absolutely loved... but about 2 years later both ceased seeing her... and when i enquired.. they said don't ask about her... "she's totally selfish".

However.. you are who you choose to be. You can know all the pain and hurt caused by your mother's faults and ensure that your daughter never experiences that. Good luck... and sorry to say it.. but your mother doesn't deserve much sympathy by the sounds of it. Channel your pain in to making happiness for your own child I think is the best way to heal. Do for your daughter what you wish had been done for you by your own mother.

Answer 10

Unfortunately, not all women are intrinsically maternal. You need to come to terms with that fact. It is such a shame that your mother was not there for you. But the bottom line is, at least you had your grandmother to step in and look after you. Accept the fact that your mum will never be the maternal kind. But do try to get along with her, particularly as she is terminally ill. Leave her to get on with what life she has left. Leave the door open for her; if she wants to come around and see you, that's fine, but let it be on your terms. Try not to let her get you down, and try to get along with her while she is still around, then you won't carry any guilt when she isn't. Such is life mate...we can pick our friends but not our relations. Nice to hear that you have a lovely daughter who you love and adore. I wish you all the best! :o)