Why is it, when stepparents don't get along with their stepkids, its always the stepparent fault?

Question

I have seen the topic of blended families discused alot on here. One thing that I have noticed is that alot of people seem to think that when a stepparent doesnt get along with their stepchild, it is their fault because they are intruders into the childs life and that the stepchild is just an innocent victim of divorce. I have even seen some suggest that people with children under 18 shouldn't get remarried. Why is it so hard for people to realize that it isn't always the stepparents fault? Yes kids are kids, but that doesn't mean that they are stupid. Some stepkids deliberatly try to cause problems between their parent and stepparent. Think about the movie STEPMOM. That kind of stuff happens all the time. Shouldn't there come a point when someone says enough is enough, and stops letting stepkids get away with trying to destroy their parents new marriage? It shouldn't matter if its a stepparent, all adults deserve a certain amount of respect. So why don't stepparents deserve it?

I am all for trying to help a stepchild accept a stepparent, but sooner or later you have to stop making excuses for them, like "Well they are still upset about the divorce.", and demand that they show some respect. I just don't understand why some people find it so hard to believe that the stepparent isn't always the one causing the problems. Kids are not stupid, they know how to cause problems between their parent and stepparent, if they don't want their parent with that person, or any person for that matter. Shouldn't there come a time when there violent, disrespectful behavior has to stop?

Kids are never wrong? Hmmmm.....try explaining that to the mom whose 3 yr. old was tortured and left on a train track to be run over, by 2 kids.

Yes kids are wrong. Why is it that nowdays there are so many kids who are getting pregnant in their early teens, beating up their own parents, doing drugs, and commiting violent crimes? Is it because they are just kids, and kids do no wrong?

I'm not talking about a parent disowning their child or something like that, just because they don't get along with their new spouse. But what is a parent suppose to do, tell their child that it's ok that they don't get along with their stepparent and then get another divorce simply because their kid doesn't like their new stepparent? Parents deserve to be happy too, and there has to be a little give and take on both ends: stepparent and stepchild. It needs to get to a point where a parent tell their child, that even if they don't like their stepparent, they will respect them as an adult authority figure, just as they would respect their teacher. You simply can't let a child control your entire life, just because they are immature and use fits, bad behavior, and backtalking to try to get their way. A parent needs to tell their child that the new stepparent is going to be in their life for a long time, and it would be better on everyone, expecially the child if they tried to get along.

Answer 1

Great question. I have a 17 y.o. stepson who I love very much. I loved him enough to encourage his father to get custody of him since he had no dicipline or guidelines living with his mom. He was allowed to drive (unsupervised) at age 11, ate what and when he wanted and was allowed to come and go at will. He had girlfriends spend the night (at his mom's) since he was 14. I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture.
I was sure this child could benefit from living with us. We have a wonderful marriage and I thought it was a good opportunity for him to see what a healthy relationship looks like. His mom is on her 5th marriage in 15 years. Anyway, the child wanted to live with us. He knew we'd treat him with love and respect. He came to us shortly after the driving incident. Things began to go downhill when I realized that his mother undid almost everything we tried to do shortly after he moved in. Since she had him summers, spring and winter break and everyother week-end, he was still heavily influenced by her.
She bought him a car, against our wishes (we said he must have certain gpa), bought him his insurance, (we thought he should earn it), and then gave him a Gold card!
The kid has gotten out of control. He only has 58 days till he graduates and he can't wait. He's tired of listening to us, following our rules, actually having to do a chore or two (oh no! he has to empty the dishwasher!). A few weeks ago he told us both to F**K off! He got his g.f. pregnant, got 2 speeding tickets in a month, got into a car wreck where luckily, no one was injured.
My point is, even though we provided a loving, clean home, healthy meals, medical care and everything else, he still can't wait to get out of here.
He's trashed us to the neighbors (he's friends with their kids), he's trashed us to his mom's family, he'll bad mouth us to anyone who will listen.
I'm sure there are stepparents who don't deserve respect, there are many, many of us out here trying to do our best.
I have no regrets but it's been the hardest thing I've ever done.

Answer 2

I had a step father and a step mother hate both but thats on me my step father tryed to molest me and my younger sister my mom took his side she is still with him they have been married almost 25 years now my step mom was ok i just didnt like how she parents us or her own kids and she was a drunk

I have been a step mom twice the first time i hated my step kids and they hated me the second time I didnt much like the oldest child but got along great with the younger two but when i see them now that i am no longer with there father they run up and hug me and tell me the love me and miss me

I think when there is a problem with step parents and children it is both sides fault and the bio parents i dont think that they take enough time to let the child ajust to the new parent and the child thinks they have some kind of control over who there parent should be with we as parents have to do whats best for our children but we do have the right to be happy


my youngest son is now 11 his father and i have been split up sence our son was 2 but he still talks about his father and i living together again no matter how mant times i tell him it will never happen and cant happen he still wishes it could and would

when it comes to dating or living with a man i always talk to my kids and take the time for them to get to know the man and the man to know my kids i also set rules for both sides i do all the disapining and i never take side when ther is a disagreement i hear both sides and have them talk it out if i feel there is a serous problem i will make the man move out my kids always come first

Answer 3

I think people see it this way because the stepparent is the "adult" in the situation, and many people think that somehow children should not be responsible for their actions.

Of course children should be held responsible, but some stepparents aren't good at dealing with a child who won't accept them, either. It's tough trying to love someone else's kids, especially if both parents are still in that child's life. It takes a special person to be able to handle that responsibility. Some stepparents have it, some don't.

Answer 4

Because you are the adult in the situation. Blending families is a lot of hard work. Remaining functional co-parents is key. If successful, the children are the ones who reap the benefits.

Answer 5

i'm remarried with and my 5 year old gets along great with my new husband they do tons of really fun stuff together yes they have their falling outs here and there but don't we all no matter if we are step parents or regular parents? He tried really hard to do special things with her especially now since we have a baby he really makes an effort to get out with her only and she enjoys that and i think thats what makes their realtionship special.

Answer 6

Actually, biological parents aren't even supposed to hit their kids. I would DEFINITELY tell your mom what happened! No matter what your sister did, there is no reason to hit her that much. Go to your mom! If she doesn't do anything about it, contact someone who will.

Answer 7

Because the child is the one who's life is being changed against their will, having to live with a new authority figure, etc.

Answer 8

i grew up with a step dad. we disagreed alot and that was because i wasnt mature enough to accept and understand that he was not my decision for our family. now i am alot older and have my own family, i can see my faults and understand. i believe its all when the child decides to mature.

Answer 9

Who's the grown up? It's no one's 'fault' persay, but the adult has more life experience. Here's some advice: Step parents should STEP OFF, and let the natural parent do their job. Maybe that's why they were divorced in the first place?

Answer 10

HA i wish, its ALL my fault in this house, my mom sticks up for him no matter what, and he has her completely brainwashed. its bull crap really, any peoblem that we have in this house is my fault, even when he put his hands on me, my mom still stuck up for him and said it was my fault. NO kid deserves to have a "parent" put there hands on them.