How do you handle an overbearing mother?

Question

I am the oldest of 6 and my mother put me through hell when I planned my wedding, but she is at it again with my youngest sister. She is insisting that she needs to invite a number people that we don't know; but they are freinds of my mothers. She is also refusing to offer the monetary help that they offered for all of us because she wants to have her reception at a place that my mother insists is way too over priced. (the difference between the two was about 1,000 dollars).

The place that they selected is close to the church, but of course it is not the church my mother is picking.....

Answer 1

it's your sisters wedding she should do what she wants to do - especially if mom is not helping out $$. i'm sure if your sister wanted her mom's opinion she would ask, otherwise, the mom should butt out.

Answer 2

If your little sister and her fiance are paying and hosting the wedding, your mother is only an invited guest like everyone else, and really doesn't have the final say about anything. If your mother is indeed hosting and paying for the wedding, she has some say, but the bride should still have the final say.

Both cannot be the boss, it's either one or the other.

Answer 3

I feel so bad for your sister. Your mother sounds like an absolute shrew. Someone needs to tell this woman to grow up, it's not her wedding, it's your sisters, and your sister gets to make the decisions here. However, your mom does have some say in it if she's paying for it, but not to the degree that she has complete veto power (which is what it sounds like she's doing). You're probably going to be the one nominated to try and talk sense into your mom though, I'm the oldest of 6 as well, and those discussions usually are left up to me.

So if your sister winds up paying for the wedding herself (or with some of her siblings helping instead of mom), then you all can tell Mommy Dearest to go stuff it, your sister will invite who she wants.

Answer 4

Ignore. Be firm. Move one.

My mother was...well, let me put it this way...she was so bad that by the night before the wedding my fiance finally told her to be happy or not show up. He had to do the talking because she had me beat down & in tears. So yeah, it was bad.

Just tell her to stay strong, do what she wants & then let her mom know the result. Don't give in because she wants her to. Also, stay strong on the guest thing. We were set on only family at our wedding with a few close friends, my mom tried to invite people we had never met that she had just met over the past month or so. We shot that down very quicky, she got mad, but we stayed firm. If she has any rude or snide comments, ignore them. A reaction will just feed her behaviors. Good luck.

Answer 5

This is like my story... during my wedding preparation! The straight answer is... you and your sister have to be firm with your mother! You have to tell your mother that this is the couple's decision and that what she is doing can cause problems between the couple and in-laws too before and after the wedding. The church, reception venue, attire, food, invitees, music, giveaways... etc. are all the couples decision that's it. Worse comes to worse... if she doesn't understand, your sister's husband-to-be must get involved and put his foot down and warn her. Question her - whether she wants her actions to damage her daughter's married life! Good luck!

Answer 6

gosh does not sound like spesking to her will help so you have to help your sister understand that your mum had her day and that this is your sisters day. why should your sister pay for people to attend that she does not wish to invite. perhaps she could just tell your mother that her budget does not extend to inviting those extra guests. maybe a point of compromise could be your sister telling your mum that they are welcome at the ceramony-if your sister is happy with that. it is a tough one coz i guess your sister does not want to fall out with her and by the sounds of things that is what you are afraid of or you probably would have told her to take a step back already. it is not fair of your mum to do this, she is trying to manipulate your sister fianancially or she would have contributed what she intended to if it was at her preferred venue! at the end of the day it is the bride and grooms big moment and people should be honoured just to be able to share in that moment and not feel the need to control it. is your dad around? could he speak to her? or what about her mother? exchanging vows is a very intimate thing and nobody wants to do it infront of a bunch of strangers!! your mum should just hand over the money she had set aside and let your sister have her day as she wishes. a bride has enough stress anyway. hope you can all work it out so your sister gets the day she deserves without your mum getting in too much of a huff! best wishes.

Answer 7

Mom needs to understand that she's had her day as a bride and now it's her daughter's turn to have hers. Mom probably sounds like a control freak and this often happens with mothers who are single through divorce or widowhood. She needs to back off and respect what your sister wants for her wedding and who is invited and who's not. For some parents weddings are for show to floss to people how much they forked out for the blessed event.

Answer 8

I am getting married in 4 months, and my mother is doing the same exact thing. There are people invited to my wedding that I don't even know. (They are my mother's friends). One person told me that she is doing it her way, because she thinks it is the best way, and she only wants the best for me. My fiance tried telling her how we felt about some things she was doing, but it turned into a nightmare! It hurt her feelings, and she cried and got very upset...which got me feeling bad and also upset. Anyway, tell your sister that your mother is truly only trying to do what is best for her. There really is no need to try and talk to her about it, unless she goes WAY overboard...(unless she wants to get her all upset). Tell her no matter what, that day is going to be awesome for her. Not all things are going as planned, but it the end, when the day is done...not only will your sister be very happy...but your Mother will be so proud of her daughter and herself! I hoestly believe that.

Answer 9

Wedding usually bring out the worst in families on the planning side of things. But don't linger on that side of things, your sister needs to stand her ground and you need to remain as a neutral party. You should only offer help and suggestions when the questions are asked as to not complicate the situation even more.

This will pass and you all need to get along; so learn to compromise and keep your comments unless they are specifically asked of you.

Answer 10

you poor thing.. been there myself!!!!! you have to just come out and tell mom that it isn't HER wedding! AS for all of her friends, tell mom if she wants to include extra people, she has to pitch in and pay for them. If she doesn't like the location, tell mom to give you the money she would have for the other place and you pay the difference. If you make her mad, oh well at least she will leave you alone to do what you want. Wedding are stressfull enough as it is, you do not need her adding to it!!!

Answer 11

Your mother is not the one getting married your sister is and she should have what she wants I would step in as an older brother and you just might have to put mother into place as the older brother dont let your sister have a miserable time make it special by helping her with your mother