How Soon Should He Tell Ex-Wife He's Dating After Divorce?

Question

I recently re-connected with a guy I was friends with like 20 years ago via the internet. We were close friends in our teens and have kept in touch sporadically over the years. We have both felt some romantic interest in the past, however the timing was always wrong...either he was with someone or I was, etc. so nothing ever moved beyond friendship.

I have been divorced for three years and he just barely got divorced this month. We have talked about perhaps going beyond friendship this time, but his divorce is so fresh that he has not breached the topic of dating again to his ex-wife.

My question: Do you really need to let your ex-spouse know you're going to start dating again once you are divorced???

They do share custody of a child, but we've agreed that I wouldn't even meet the child until such time as we knew the relationship was going to be serious.

Am I wrong here? Does this seem odd? How long should I give him to tell his wife he wants to date someone?

In reading some of your comments, let me add that, other than the occasional email to chat/catch up over the years, I was most emphatically not involved before their divorce. I have been a cheated on wife, so I would never, ever go there.

Also, let me add that I'm in no hurry to date this guy...I just thought it was odd for him to talk about taking it beyond friendship but then throw in how he'd have to let his ex-wife know he was going to start dating again first and wondered it if was a red flag for anyone other than me...I sure didn't tell my ex-husband that I was going to start dating again!!

We're all in our 40's, if that helps at all...

Oh, and she was the one who wanted to divorce him, after several years of counseling. They were separated for a year and a half prior to the divorce.

Thanks to all who answered. I'll be remaining just friends with this person...I don't want to take the chance of being a rebound.

Answer 1

First thing I must say that It's none of her damn business. Sorry to be so blunt.
Secondly, I hope your FRIENDSHIP remains intact REGARDLESS of how you get involved with this person. I'm with my current sweetie from a similar situation where we were always with someone else however that was only for about 2 or 3 years as opposed to 20.
Both of you should have some fun together. In agreement with other answers, only if you become involved in the child's life then he should tell his ex. As a matter of fact, she still doesn't have to be told he's dating. How about "I'm hanging out with so and so friend and I'm taking Janey along to meet her". No need to know whether you and friend are intimately involved.
In the event where you may move in together THEN it MAY be neccessary to share because the child will be visitting Daddy there or be LIVING with Daddy there.

Answer 2

"Barely divorced" is hardly a sign of a completely severed relationship. Speaking as someone who was divorced and then had his wife marry again 4 months later, I can honestly say that ANY new relationship that he has with another woman is going to sting the feelings of his ex-wife. Unless, of course, she also is dating.

The belief is that a divorce finishes the relationship, the reality is that feelings and perceptions persist for a long time after that. I still catch myself thinking about my ex if I happen upon an old photo -- not because I have current feelings for her, but because my memories are still there.

He is under no obligation to inform the ex that he is dating again AS LONG AS HIS CHILD is not in the home when you are and DOES NOT SLEEP OVER when you are there. His ex would have an actionable complaint if anything like that happened.

Very, VERY few divorces end amicably enough to allow for discussions of current relationships. If she learns now, she'll be hurt. If she learns later, she'll be hurt that he didn't tell her. It's a no-win situation, it's really how much he wants to begin a dating relationship with you that counts.

WARNING: The 'rebound' is not a myth. His ability to find a 'new' relationship may seem enhanced at the moment, but his feelings may still be conflicted. Give this dating thing a LONG chance to proceed at it's own pace, because chances are that he'll fluctuate on how he feels about you.

Answer 3

You definitely don't want to rush him into making any decisions such as this one. Starting a relationship right after a divorce can be hard and he might not be ready to jump into a committed relationship. So putting a time limit on something like that is crucial. No, it is no business of the ex's except for the sake of the child. It would be better to let him tell her before the child does if you two do interact. Put yourself in his shoes, but at the same time, think about your feelings and whether you are ready for this kind of relationship. It doesn't end here.

Answer 4

How long should you "give him"? Hmmmmmm. He should do whatever is comfortable for him. And meanwhile - if you can't wait around - move on.

Personally I don't blame him for wanting to wait. Things may still be a bit raw and hurtful between he and his ex. Were you in the picture before the divorce? And - forgive me if I'm way off base - but did you have anything to do with the divorce? He might be trying to save some face for YOU!

If he feels he needs to let her know - then he does. What if the two of you are out somewhere - and some friend of his child's sees you and says something to his child. Then the child goes to the Mom and asks - and the Mom is clueless. Not pretty.

Going through a divorce with honesty and grace is very important to some people. I don't think it's odd at all.

If you think he's worth your time and energy - then you should be patient with him.

Oh - and it's wise of you not to meet his child until you know you're really going to be in the picture.

Answer 5

I'm going through a divorce now too....and I think it would be none of his ex's business about what he is doing with his personal life as long as its not concerning the child. I think if he is afraid to tell his ex-wife, maybe he isn't ready to date. Does he care about her feelings? He may not be ready for a serious relationship at this time.

How old is the child? I agree with you that the child needs to be shielded until you know for sure that the two of you will be together. The child has been through enough!

Also, be careful that this guy is not just lonely and using you as a "rebound" relationship. You both need to take things slow and proceed with caution. And why did he divorce his wife? Is he a jerk? Consider it all!!

Answer 6

He doesn't have to tell her anything. He's divorced. His life is his own. I do think you have the right idea though of not meeting the child until you get serious. If and when you do meet the child, don't expect anything. Children react differently to each occassion. My daughter was a great "guage" as to the character of any man I was seeing and if she didn't like them I paid attention.

Some ex-spouses are still very possessive and jealous. Some will be glad/relieved that the other is dating again. When he does tell his ex he should just tell her he is seeing someone and not go into details. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 7

I'd say let the divorce age a little more before jumping into something.

Also, be sure he's really divorced before getting involved. I know this sounds like a no brainer, but about three years ago I had a co-worker who learned that her fiance was actually LIVING WITH his wife!! He lived about an hour away and always had some excuse why he came to her town instead of vice versa. I'll tell you, I thought she was pretty dumb...

Then a year later, the same thing happend to me! I had worked with this guy for a couple years (same company, he worked off site about two hours away). About six months after I left the company we reconnected and he said his wife had left him months before and was divorcing him, refusing to speak to him, etc.. We got involved, and after about nine months I learned not only had his wife not left him, she was at their home begging him to come back! Now it was my turn to feel dumb! Snoop around, find out for sure. I will forever more be the kind of date who rifles through the medicine cabinet (my guy was on THORAZINE and I didn't KNOW!) and the wallet the first chance I get. I firmly believe it should be a requirement for mentally ill people to carry cards that say "I am psycotic" - or better yet, tattoo it on their foreheads!

Answer 8

If you aren't going to be involved in any way with the child until you both know it's for real (GREAT by the way) then you have no obligation at all to tell his ex-wife or your ex-husband. It is none of their business......When you do meet the child, I wouldn't do it a week before a wedding or moving in together or anything like that. Understand that the child will need time to adjust to his dad seeing someone, adjust to you, etc. So, if you decide it's what you both want.........take your time with the child, that is what is most important! Good luck!

Answer 9

I don't think he owes it to his ex to let her know if he's dating unless he'd like his child to meet the new person in his life. It's not really any of her business. What I would be more concerned about though is someone who would want to possibly start a new relationship so soon after his marriage ended. That is definitely a rebound relationship. He needs time to emotionally heal from his marriage and jumping right in to another relationship is something he shouldn't be thinking of yet.

Answer 10

Well first off he doesn't have to check in with the ex if he is going to date. But I give both of you credit for understanding the child needs first. I kept my dating/relationships separate from my parenting time from my daughter. I feel that its the best way until I am sure the relationship is going to become more serious. If his ex is the vindictive sort giving her notice is just more time to screw around with the kids to put undo pressures on your relationship both the kids and him.

If you get involved do it slowly and integrate yourself with him and the kids that way the kids can make their own connections but be forewarned that you are the new person in their lives and you are being judge by them. It also depend on the ages of the children involved too each has their own issues.

Good luck