is it ok for my husband to cry now...?

Question

my husband lost his mother at age 3..last night we were talking about us having children and he began remembering his mother...he began crying very loud and moaning for his mother.

I felt so sad for him i told him its ok to cry it out..but he told me that he never cried for her until now (he is 27 yrs now) and that all his family told him since he was growing up not to cry about it.. to be strong...

my question is am i right to tell him he can cry about it or is his family right to tell him dont cry?

Answer 1

Anytime a man crys from his heart, you should hold him and let it happen. Encourage him that its ok to let it out, and its ok to cry, because it isnt a sign of weakness, its more of compassion and a great stress reliever. His family is wrong, and if thats the advise he gets from there, then hes way better off listening to you.

Answer 2

It's always okay to cry, and men often have a hard time with it, as they are generally told it is not manly (as it seems your husband was). However... it is not natural or healthy to grieve intensely for years and years. If he has a few episodes of intense crying (and all that goes with it, moaning and sobbing is normal, hitting something like a pillow or table, but not hard enough to hurt self or object) then the emotions seem to become less intense, this is normal. But if he has episodes of intense grieving repeatedly, and doesn't seem able to get past them to a place of peace with his situation, then he should see a grief counselor. If that is not his thing (or doesn't help enough), there are other practitioners who might be of help, such as a chiropractor doing Network Spinal Analysis (www.donaldepstein.com will help you learn about it and find one), or an acupuncturist, or well-trained shaman, or reiki master. As a very, very, very last resort, he could see his doctor for some sort of prescription help, if he feels his grieving has crossed the line into a depression. I like to recommend the other stuff first, because it creates lasting healing in a way that drugs either don't do, or do far less efficiently.

You sound like a loving and supportive wife. He is a lucky man.

Answer 3

umm, You are married to him, so YOU are HIS FAMILY now too.

You have to understand that alll the time before he never thought about his mother as much as when the idea of children came up. He never had a chance to have a mother and knows the pain of it. So he fears that the same may happen to his children. What if he loses you while the children are young? He would never want his children to experience that pain and loneliness that he did.

His family probably did what they thought was right in telling him not to grieve over someone he barely knew, even if it was his mother. But the man has allllll right to grieve, even if its 24 yrs later.

My fiance never knew his father( his father walked out when his mom was still pregnant) and it terrifies him when the children talk comes up, since he doesn't not know what a father is like, nor how to be one.

So your husband will settle down eventually. Those are emotions that were bottled up wayyyyyy too long and its best they come out now, so that when you two do get pregnant he'll be overjoyed for the entire time.

Answer 4

He got it out of his system. He isn't really mourning his mother, but the sadness associated with not remembering her. If he was 3 years old, he couldn't possibly remember much. He may need to find out more about her. Sounds like his family may have denied him that right too. He is old enough to ask for photographs and talk to relatives who would be open about discussing her. Maybe he can even find some of her old friends who may have known her best. He needs to build memories of his mother that he can cherish.
If he continues to cry about it he should see a therapist to work out his issues. I'd delay having children until he gets this settled.

Answer 5

Crying is normal and natural and a great way to vent grief. He spent a long time being strong when he was just a kid. He should have dealt with the pain a long time ago, but clearly he stifled it instead of healing. Let him cry it out. He needs to do so and he'll feel better once the grief has passed.

There is no time limit to how long the human heart can hold on to pain. Be grateful that he felt secure enough with you to express how he feels.

Answer 6

Hi

Grieving is good for him because hopefully he can get past the pain of loosing his mom but at the same time preserve the memories he has if any of her since he lost her at an early age of 3 .

Let him cry it out and hopefully he will be all better now .

C

Answer 7

You are right to be supportive and let him cry about it without making him feel ashamed. Good for you. Thats a long time to keep something bottled up. No one should have ever told him that he shouldn't cry. It's part of the grieving process.

Answer 8

Yes. We all have emotions and if you let it bottle up it can have negative effects. What his family said to a three year old is just wrong. I mean how would they feel if someone told them not to cry. I'm not saying he should become a cry baby but it is good to let it out every now and then.

Answer 9

It's great that he can cry about it. If you were talking about having children, he probably suddenly realized the awesome responsibility that having a child is. He imagined a helpless young person who is protected by someone who loves them all the time and thinks about them all the time. Of all the people in your life, that is usually Mom when you are so small. When he was presented with that image, he saw his Mom gone - and what a loss that was - and how she must have loved him. And how he must have needed her. I'd cry my eyes out too.

Answer 10

Oh my. Your poor husband was never allowed to grieve. Your caring for him has helped him to bring down his own walls and finally grieve. I'm glad you have supported him. You've done the right thing. And it is good that he cries now -- it's him facing his loss from all those years ago.

Becoming parents is very emotional and it will bring up so many positive (and sometimes negatives) from childhood that you didn't remember otherwise. Expect more of these nights...