is it sensible decision to separate from inlaws?

Question

hi,

I am married lady,25 yrs. working woman , CA.I am only child.
My inlaws are very social and kind of joint family. I find difficult to stay with them as mother in law's mentality is like housewife . she keeps herself occupied in household corus. Half of the time some or other relative is there at home. Even on holidays we cann't schedule our programme as most of the time relatives are at home. I dont get rest or feel like at my home. I spend very less to save for future ,however i feel they r spending lot. what to do? my hubby is not ready for separation and i find difficult to stay with them. what to do?
my hubby is kind of sidasad. he says time is only remedy for all the problem. I have married since last 4 years. My mother in law is not bad at all, but as I told I am working and that too C.A. , so need to spend more time on profession and she is homely purely housewife type. She doesn't understand need to stay home peacefully on weekend. I am planning for child next year.

Answer 1

Tell her what you want, i.e. peaceful weekend. Mind you if you go away from her now & start staying separately, next year when you are planning for child you will miss her the most. You don’t know what all problems come along with the new born then either you look after your child in home or your C.A. profession. Now you say you have to spend more time on profession after your child you will hardly find any time for profession if you spoil your relationship with your mother in law now. At least at that time she can look after your child in your absence, so separate living is not at all sensible decision if you want to have a child next year & continue your profession too.

Answer 2

First it would be unwise to bring a child into a situation that is not making you happy...children are a big expense, and this will only delay the time when you and your husband get your own place. Wait on that.
Second we should not judge others....the world needs many different type personalities to function including housewifes who are make a meeting place for the extended joint family.
Third You and Your Husband are living in your mother in laws
house. Why would you expect her to change her ways in her own house??? If your don't like her way then get your
own place to set your own standards. Harmony between family members is more important than money saved by
living in disharmony.

Answer 3

I understand your situation.However,it seems as if you are having no specific problems as such staying in the joint family except for the fact that you are not getting enough time for yourself.
You have mentioned that your in-laws are quite social.I suggest you to talk things out with them.I am sure your mother-in-law would understand.And since she is interested in household chores anyway,I suggest you could balance the household work easily.
Separation is not quite ideal,especially when your husband is not willing.Maybe you could explain the situation to him and plan a get-away just for the 2 of you for a week or so.Let the rest of your family understand your need for privacy.Put it across in a nice way and not in a way that is offensive or demanding.

Answer 4

I agree with Jeevan. Handle with care. I agree that you need some time to relax. But you have to also realize of the fact you are part of the family. In joint family, you don't marry a person, you marry a family.

This might sound little rude, but this is how i feel so i am going to say it. You joined a family, not a family joined you. So mostly you have to adjust to their lifestyle. I am pretty sure, its not just me who feels like this, its also how your in-laws feel too. Thatswhy I agree with Jeevan, about handling it with care. Just have a talk with your mom-in-law while hubby present there. Ask how you can get some time off for yourself. And whatever you do be polite.

Answer 5

You are now only planning for child that too next year !! Only the child would have solved the problem that you narrated so well. A child in such a joint family would have acted as cementing force to the relationship among all at home and wonders would have taken place to your astonishment. Better never than late.

Answer 6

It is never good to separate with anybody in anger. Be tactful even with your husband. Find out his job in any other city & then move.

Tell your mother -in-law Lovingly & jokingly Mumijee in week end I want to sleep or go somewhere ( Plan in advance & inform her before her plan)
If you have to say anything you never say as you are saying say your son is saying or wants. These in -laws can rule over the daughter in law but can not rule over their own son so be tactful. Son has more muscular enegry so they are always scared from him but no body is scared of daughter.
Even stove DEVTA BURNS THE DAUGHTER IN LAW NEITHER THE SON NOR THE MOTHER IN LAW.
You need to be tactful & rule but let them think that son is forcing you & you make your husband agree before you inform your in-laws.

Answer 7

It depends on case of case. Joint family is normally best. Seperation should be avoided. My daughter is also CA, 25, married in 2007, employed, with homely mother in law etc. Handle / adjust with care.

Answer 8

I understand your problem.This usually happens when you are a working woman and that too a CA.Talk to your husband before it gets too late.You can get seperated before things go from bad to worse,BUT you say you are planning for a child next year,then who will take care of the baby when you ressume your job,so be patient and just ignore the things which gives you mental trouble.

Answer 9

Yes, it is sensible decision & your legal & religious right(as being wife to demand)to be separated from your in laws when u feel that it is really problematic to be with them as u have mentioned in detail. As u & your husband both have equal legal rights over each other , it is the duty of your husband to consider your cause. It all now depends on your capability & convincing power to say politely & tactfully to your husband to make him agree to solve your genuine problem.

Answer 10

You need to spend some time with your husband before having a baby.I have been in this situation and living with the inlaws is not a picnic.It will get better.