help i dont no what to do(adopted daughter)?

Question

i have to girls aged 3 and 5 and generally they are well behaved. If they misbehavie they sit on the naughtey step or if its somthing very bad then i smack there bottem. My sister has not long passed away and her 2 year old daughter was staying with my mum but she got to much to handle so i looked after her and have now adopted her. As she was an only child she got what she wanted when she wanted and if she was told o she would have a tantrum and then get what she wants. As well as this my daughters are now noticing the difference in the way they are punished. as i have adopted her am i allowed to smack her bum or not?

because the problem ismy girls arely get smacked only if they are very naughtey but like the other day chloe(the adopted one) and maddie 3 were arguning then they started scrathing each other so i split them up gave maddie a smack bottem and sat her on the naughtey step but i didnt no if i was allowed to smack chloe so she just had to sit in the corner witch maddie and also kerry5 notices.

Answer 1

you are her proper mum now an if you think that she needs a smacked bum it up to you don't treat them any different .

Answer 2

Well done to you for taking this responsibility and you really do sound like a caring and responsible parent so some of the answers that you are likely to get from the 'anti smack' brigade are really not worth reading.
However I beleive that smacking children is a definate No No, being smacked as a child is something that almost all of us have experience of, you do something wrong and your guardian, whom you trust and love applies a certain degree of pain to some part of your body to remind you of what you have done. My stepfather used a studded leather belt whereas my mother would use a variety of instruments from the hand through to slippers and rocks. It never worked to stop me from reoffending (offences such as sneaking a drink of water after 6pm).
My headmaster would use a different form of punishment, if I damaged a school chair, I would have to learn lines for the school pantomine (strange I know) and if I ran in the corridor for instance, I would miss a playtime. We also had a star system for good behaviour and you would earn rewards for this. I know it sounds tame but my Headmaster had my utter respect whereas I haven't bothered to speak to my mother for over 3 years. He and my mother divorced when I was 13 years old, I saw him again when I was 17 in a pub where I picked him up by his shirt and asked him to try smacking me now.
I don't think that you want to hurt your children, and I know how they can push you but instead of including your adopted daughter in the corperal punishment system, why don'yt you change the discipline all together to a rewards system for good behaviour and exclusion from rewards for bad behaviour. If you use a star chart pinned to the wall, the initial reaction will be a competition to earn the most stars, there will still be bad behaviour but the naughty step that you use will be more effective than a smack if it is enforced properly.
Please do not think that I am comparing you to my awful parents, I am sure that you are trying your best and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

You can't smack one and not the other, you'll confuse and hurt the child that gets smacked. Treat them all the same.
Try another method instead. Smacking causes shock, thats why it stops unwanted behaviour. Use it too often and the shock wears off. The shock can be too much for a sensitive child to take.
All kids have to learn to use and hear 'no', so make sure you use it effectively or don't use it at all. Never teach them that 'no' means 'maybe' or 'push me and you'll get your own way'.
A clear 'no fighting' and splitting them up should be enough, intervene before it gets out of hand. Don't let them build up to the point where they are so emotionally wrought that you feel you have to smack to have any effect.
Teach negotiation and compromise, show them how to share. Get down with them and talk in simple language, tell them to take turns with a disputed toy and time each turn.
There are loads of techniques, research them and try them, they really work plus they teach better life and social skills such as self discipline (reward them for showing it).

Answer 4

Mabe if you started to treat her like family instead of treating her like the "adopted one", it might make a difference. You said your first two daughters notice the different punishments. If you don't make changes now the first two will start acting up. Children only have tantrums to get what they want. I know it is hard, but you have to stick to your guns. She will learn that no means no. Parents take the easy way and give in to the child. This teaches them nothing and it will also teach your first two that tantrums get them what they want. Be consistant. If she keeps misbehaving and you have to keep smacking her, then nothing is being learnt. It seems wrong to me that you punish your children twice. Once with a smack and then with the naughty mat. Why not just do the naughty mat? Try a different technique before raising your hand.

Answer 5

Sorry but in my opinion you should not be smacking any of them. Why is the naughty step not sufficient? I dont smack my child and she learns with just time out. See your health visitor for a proper discipline structure, so all children are treated fairly and no violence is involved. Its true what they say when a parent smacks its because they have lost control...and the children do pick up on this.

Answer 6

I think you should be allowed to do with her anything you would be allowed to do with your own daughters...
But check the laws in your area, and discipline all three the same way. If you find that you are not allowed to smack her bum, then try to think of something else for all three,
but in any case be consistent and fare with all three as they are all very close in age.
the one that you adopted will soon learn the rules and procedures in your house. and you will get better behavior from your own 2 girls when they see that she doesn't get away with every blessed thing. good luck.

Answer 7

you should bring her up exactly as you bring up your own. The naughty step is preferable to smacking. The other thing that works is placing her in a boring room on her own and letting her cry - the idea is one minute per year of age.

The other really good thing to do is, when she demands something that you know isn't right for her, say "no" calmly and clearly, firmly if necessary, and then just let her scream at you until she gives up. It's noisy and unpleasant but you can last longer than she can. And the second time it will be easier, the third easier still...

Good luck!

Answer 8

You are allowed to treat her the same as your own children, but saying that, I do not condone smacking. There are lots of ways of disciplining a child (you mention some of them) without smacking.

At 2 years old she should get over the loss of her own mother, but it might be worth getting her checked out by a child psychologist to make sure that she is not traumatised by the loss of her Mother.

Answer 9

I'm sure you've not lost sight of the fact that she's been through the worst upheaval of all, losing her mum, and she maybe playing up partly because of that.
I 'd be inclined to say that yes you should treat them all the same way and maybe think of not smacking your own children either, you could use it as a threat, but once you have carried it out, what else can you do?

Answer 10

Please remember you can discipline without getting physical. I would strongly suggest you treat all of them equal, and love them and discipline them the same. However, keep your eye on Chloe, she lost her mom and emotionally may act out on this. You need to reassure her when you discipline her that you love her. She may have feelings of abandonment, and fear. The security of her mother is gone. Be patient with her, but firm. Don't tolerate tantrums, simply send her to the naught step and explain you love her but you do not like the behaviour she is displaying. But, she is your daughter now, and she should be treated equal. And God bless you for adopting your niece, and I am so sorry for your loss I will say a prayer for you. God bless.

Answer 11

she is a part of your family now and must be treated as such. If you treat her differently all you are doing is building resentment amongst them. Treat her the same as the other two and she will soon come to realise the rules in your house and there will be less need for a smack