What do you think of these lyrics?

Question

I wrote it to the tune of "Klavier" by Rammstein

V1: Something happened to me / it could happen to you
I thought I was strong / But I found out I was wrong
Something happened to me / it could happen to you
You cast a stone / This sin is an infection
Something happened to me / it could happen to you
Dont shut out my words / this is what you need to hear

Chorus: Now you're a corpse / Sealed in a tomb
You slide deeper / In your utter waste

V2: Something happened to me / it could happen to you
I swear to tell the truth but it is a lie
I promise to live as I feel myself die
It could happen to you / My friend can you hear?

Repeat Chorus

2nd Chorus (exact same music): Welcome to the dead
I'll show you the way
A place where you can hide
To fake being alive

Chorus 3: Bless the distant Lord
God of Israel
Your Father who gave you life
But you spit on his face
You lost your only chance
Now you're under the ground
Your flesh becomes bones and dust

1st ChorusX2

Answer 1

I don't know the tune so can't comment on how well the words gel. Critical comments:

'Infection' is much too long a word for the first verse - you need to have a shorter, stronger word there to give it punch.

If you're going to repeat the 'something happened... can happen to you' motif in the first verse, you need to either a) keep the pattern consistent through the verses or b) tie it back in at the end.

'Utter waste' also could be punchier and more visceral than it is.

The second verse-chorus isn't as striking as the first verse and last verse and the first chorus - I would find more concrete imagery, since that's what you're dealing with in the other two verses. If you want to have the speaker die despite wanting to stay alive, give visceral details of it. All this promising and swearing isn't quite active enough for the verse.

Similarly 'a place where you can hide / to fake being alive' doesn't make much sense from a lyrical standpoint. I'd either clarify or find a stronger setting for that.

Other than that, no words struck me as off or tinny. Depending on your audience, I'd be careful about the 'Bless the distant Lord / God of Israel,' as that works for a Christian song but NOT for a song intended to affect nonbelievers (notice how, say, Jars of Clay never comes out and makes hit-you-over-the-head obvious theological statements in the songs that got mainstream airplay, like Flood and Sinking. They're lyrics you have to listen to once or twice before you get the song's meaning as Christian. I'd suggest trying to do that here instead of showing your hand so easily.)

Hope this helps!

Answer 2

"If Heaven" through Andy Griggs has that line. I have associated with the CD within the assets phase. The lyrics are as follows: If Heaven was once an hour, it might be twilight, When the fireflies begin their dancin' at the garden; An' supper's at the range and Mamma's laughin', And everybodys workin' day is finished. If Heaven was once a the city, it might be my the city, Oh, on a summer season day in 1985. An' the whole lot I desired was once in the market waitin', And every body I cherished was once nonetheless alive. Don't cry a tear for me, now, youngster; There comes a time all of us have to say good-bye. And if that is what Heaven's made from, You understand, I, I ain't afraid to die. If Heaven was once a pie, it might be cherry, So cool and candy an' heavy at the tongue. An' only one chunk might fulfill your starvation, An' there'd continuously be ample for every body. If Heaven was once a instruct, it definite might be a quick one, That might take this weary tourist across the bend. If Heaven was once a tear, it might be my final one, An' you would be in my palms once more. Don't cry a tear for me, now, youngster; There comes a time all of us have to say good-bye. And if that is what Heaven's made from, You understand, I, I ain't afraid to die. Yeah, if that is what Heaven's made from, You understand, I, I ain't afraid to die.

Answer 3

I really liked the 1st verse but the chorus and 3rd verse are a little rough.

At first it seems to start out like a praise song, then it merges right in with a song of correction to non-believers. I think really what you have is two songs here.

Also I don't know that tune so I can't hear the song in my head, sorry, so I don't know how well it "flows" with the music.

Answer 4

At first I liked it until I got to the chorus. What is this?
Are you trying to be somebody? Have you ever been dead before? I don't think singing about the dead is a very happy thing. You wouldn't get up there man.

Answer 5

I don't listen to music nor do I understand how to read song lyrics. Maybe you should post this is the music section of YA. You might get a better response there. I guess I would have to listen to the song you mentioned to get a better understanding of your creation...peace.

Answer 6

Mega Lame

Answer 7

Chorus: I'm dumb as sod
I believe in God
In the Age of Reason
I'm outta Season

Answer 8

Pretty creepy thoughts.

Answer 9

Not bad

Answer 10

Well that's not happy at all.