How do I fix myself to save my relationship?

Question

My boyfriend of 3yrs and i have been on a rocky patch for the past 8 months. We constantly argue and tonight he told me that he cant enjoy the time we spend together because im always starting something. I wont say i dont start things but i dont do them on purpose and sometimes im just trying to tell him how i feel and he thinks that im starting something. I love him and weve been through so much and i dont want to lose him. I cant see myself without him. Weve planned our lives out together even went ring shopping in february. But it just seems like lately he cant stand me. He says he wants me in his life but he cant deal with me and how he puts it my "psycho drama." I dont think he understands me and at times i feel like hes not there for me when i need him the most. I will admit i do have some abandonment issues and i can be insecure (which im told i have no reason to be) but im trying so hard to make him happy and i want him happy now but i just cant seem to do what he wants.

so what can i do to make this work and make him happy without losing myself and my happiness? i dont want to have to walk on egg shells my whole life.

Answer 1

Sound's like he may just want the easy way out. Counciling might help you both, cause you say you already have your own issue's. Then you have to figure out if you are being impossible to get along with. A lot of time's when men say they are sick of the drama ( they usually are ). Are you getting all crazy and b****ing at him all the time. That will drive a man away very fast. Sometime's we don't even realize we are doing it until it's to late. Maybe you can just give him space to go out with his buddie's and blow off steam. I would try sitting down and talk to him and ask him if he feel's it is something you are doing. Try not to be to accusing or they get defensive quickly. 3 year's is a long time an I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

First of all, I would postpone the ring shopping for a little while. It is clear that there are some serious issues that you must work out in your relationship with him. You must also accept the possibility that this relationship may not work out.

Your question kind of makes me a little nervous. You should never have to "fix yourself" to be with someone. You are talking about changing who you are as a person and being something you are not because you think it will make him happy. Changing who you are and being someone you are not will ultimately only lead to unhappiness for you. Would he be in love with you or the character you play? Trust me, I have tried to be someone who I was not to impress women. It only ends in pain.

I would strongly suggest talking to someone outside the relationship about the issues going on. This can be a trusted friend, a parent, a brother or sister, a cousin, a teacher, or even a professional, to help you work some of these things out.

There may be too much stress on him right now. You are talking about how you have your whole life planned and you are thinking about marriage and you just can't seem to do what he wants. I would give you the idea that he doesn't know what he wants right now. This is A LOT of serious stuff to think about and it would make me or any other guy very nervous. Maybe all he needs is a little space to work things out on his own.

Some to conclude I advise:
1. Postpone talking about the "future" for now
2. Talk to someone you trust outside of the relationship
3. Never change who you are to make someone else happy
4. Give him a little space

Answer 3

First of all, you are blaming your abusiveness on emotional problems and stating you couldn't control it. Unfortunately, emotional abusers know EXACTLY what they are doing when they are being emotionally abusive. You can't begin to fix your "problem" if you can't even own up to the fact that you had control over the abuse and that you were purposely abusive. It wasn't a monster inside that made you do it - you conciously did it and voluntarily did it. If you aren't 100% cured of this emotional abuse "issue", then why would you want to be in a relationship with him. If you truly loved him - then you would stay away from him until you were 100% cured. How do you get cured - you get help from a psychotherapist who specializes in curing those who are abusive. Not some doctor who gives you meds for bipolar or borderline, etc... People who are abusive are missing an important part of themselves - they don't love or respect themselves. They are fearful and controlling. You have tons of issues you have to deal with for 2-3 years before you should even CONSIDER being in a relationship with anyone. The fact that you would want to be in a relationship with ANYONE KNOWING that you are abusive is disgusting and shows me that you definitely are still an "abuser". Wanting to be in a relationship knowing you are an "abuser" is in and of itself a CLEAR SIGN that you are still being selfish and self-centered - and that you are very much still an abusive person.

Answer 4

well I really think you might need the help of a counselor and precounseling before marriage I think is very helpful. If you need free counseling many churches have premarriage counseling. Usually premarriage counseling services dwell on problem solving (money priorities in the marriage) attitudes about feelings etc. I think you need to learn how to solve issues without attacking and learning how to discuss something for a common good. So neither one of you feels that when a problem occurs its not time to feel defensive but to find a solution. This is a partnership. Act like life partners( loving individuals caring about each other,
rather than sparing partners ready for a fight) He needs to be there for you as well as you need to be there for him. If you feel insecure it will never be right if you feel like you are walking on egg shells. ( believe me, It will turn you into a door mat) and you dont want that. Get couseling if that helps you become a more independent person, it so helps your life. You wont have the ups and downs, it will make you a better assessor of the dramas of your life and more confident. Good luck. Happiness is understanding yourself in all areas of your life.

Answer 5

I can't quite tell if it's something you've done, but being on the rocks for 8 months is a really, really long time.

Can you seek counseling? If you do have issues, you may be able to work through them. But he sounds like he's "starting something" by always accusing you.

It may be time to talk about breaking up.

Answer 6

Counseling sounds like a good idea. But what yoou need to do is keep your emotions in check. Don't let them get out of hand.
Another thing is if something he does bothers you, or he does something you don't like, don't keep it inside and let it out when you are fighting. Bring it up when it happens, and talk about it in a calm understanding way. When having a discussion, let him know you understand how he feels, and tell him you want him to know how things make you feel.
MOST IMPORTANT: Don't yell, allow yourself to be vulnerable and be specific on how things make you feel, in a calm, non-attacking manner.
Good Luck, I hpe everything works out.

Answer 7

you cant fix something if both people dont want to, it sound
like he does not want the realtionship any more., and that
he blaming you for everything becasuse he cant be honest
and say how he really fee.. but you know how you feel. i would
let him know that you want this to work but may be we need
to take some time to deal with what going on.. it take
two to make or break a realtionship.

Answer 8

You don't.... Forget about him, he's probaly out behind your back and just in it for the short run. If you have to change for someone they are obviously incapable of liking who you are... would you actually rather be loved for who your not than be hated for who you are... if so then you need more help than yahoo anwsers.

Answer 9

that happens to me too,,,,well as a girl and a girlfriend and now fortunaely a wife,,,,we girls should treat our guys the way they should be treated,,,dont just start to have some things to argue with him,,,,try to do it,,,just be quite and ask him what he wants to save your long relationship,,,,things will be ok if you both talk seriously with that matter,,,obviously ur both in-love with each other so dont let it break with just few things,,,, save it while you can,,,you cant lost your self and happiness by talking and listening to him,,,,talk to him in a romantic way and place,,,,and always control your self to argue with him,,,coz guys easily get bored with it,,i had proven that,,,,, its gret that my husband is too patient with me,,,,he always put his self down me and my pride,,,thats what's great with my husband,,,and when i think of it i feel so lucky to have him by my side.....save your's with your boyfriend for sure you can if just want it so much....Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 10

Counseling
couples counseling