please help me..?

Question

please try to hear me out before making rude judgements. i just got engaged. i have always wanted a big traditional wedding, big gown, ballroom, etc.. my parents are trying to take over my weddidng. i am having family come from all over the world and they are saying that my family is coming out of respect to my parents, and not for me. i dont understand that. its my wedding. i am a very stubburn person. i keep telling people this is my wedding, so i want things my way. my parents and my boyfriends parents are paying for the wedding so my parents are saying, since they are paying, its going to be their way. i hate all their ideas and so does my boyfriend, so i told them not to pay so i can have my wedding and they refuse to not pay and be involved. i would rather have people who are their for me, then people who arent. my mom already picked out my dress, my colors and the type of food, after i told her what i wanted. she is refusing to listen to me. this wedding is mine, not hers!

everytime we meet we always start fighting about the wedding. my boyfriend says he understands my feelings, but i must come off as a spoiled want it all brat to my parents. i feel its my wedding so i should be happy, not them and not my guests! its my wedding!!!

my grandma and unckle planned my parents wedding and my parents loved their wedding. so they are using this for all their reasoning

Answer 1

You could go into hiding and let your boyfriend tell everyone you checked yourself into the nut house because of high stress level,maybe they would get the point and let you plan your own wedding.If you can afford your own wedding then by all means do it...AND DO IT BIG! This only happens once and is YOUR special day.Set up a meeting with all the parents ,making sure your beau is right there to support you,inform them that this is THE LAST WORD and be calm but let your true emotion show.Tell them you are in the midst of planning the rest of your life and if they don't respect your wishes to have the say so you deserve,you refuse to be sticken with this unessasary stress,and that yall will be continuing the plans with or without them.Bang a gavel if you have to,to assure there is no room for argument ,and put the meeting to an end.Men what you say and say what you mean.Loving parents will attend your wedding regardless.

Answer 2

Well they are paying for the weding so they should have some say. But the key word here is SOME say. But you need a reality check too. OF course some of the people that are coming are coming out of respect for your mom and dad.That is true in any wedding. As for the ordering of the food, well you don't like any of the food that they ordered? They must have ordered something that you like. In all reality you will not be able to eat much between the picture taking and all the activities going on, so don't sweat it. How long have you been engaged? You should have started saving so that you could put some money toward the wedding. Assuming you did do this as far as the dress is concerned, its simple, I would tell mom if you really don't like the dress, you are not going to ware it. Tell her you will split the cost of the dress you want with the cost of the dress she likes, that would be a good comprimise. Here again another key word COMPROMISE.

Sounds like you and mom are BOTH stubburn. Compromise, and ask Mom did her mom do the same thing to her?

Both of you being so thick headed is going to do nothing but continue this war, which in the end with be harmful, and deteriate the relationship between both of you. This is a lesson in relationship, and you better be able to handle this before you get married, because that is a relationship too, and get rid of the stubburn attitide now, don't go into a marrage with the same attitude, It WONT last if you do.

Good luck

Answer 3

A great question to ask your mom, is who planned her wedding for her as I am sure that is where she learned this whole intruding thing. Yes they are paying for it but it is pretty widely understood that its one of those things that although the parents pay for it, it is for the couple.....not the parents. I hate to say this but its not like you get married every day so if I were you I would first sit down with your fiancee and make sure you both agree that you two should have the vast majority of choices regarding this wedding. If you both agree then I think you should also agree that you two will confront your parents one last time ....together....to let them know that they need to back off or if they don't you and your fiancee will do your wedding your way without them. Then be prepared to do just that. If you and your husband to be can swing a smaller wedding with you two paying for it, then it would be better to do that than to have a large wedding that you don't have any say in. Do you see what I am saying? And if you can't swing paying for a wedding yourselves then think about getting married by a justice of the piece and promise one another that once you can afford a wedding that the two of you will give each other a wedding on your terms. Now here is the key...You must talk with your fiancee before you do anything to make sure you both agree with the plan. You need to be in a united front on this. At the end of the day the important thing is not the party but the day that you two promised to love one another forever. ....Good Luck!

Answer 4

so what's your question exactly?
you say you have already told them not to pay; you've made a decision. Is the problem that they are not listening to you???

just tell them that they can throw their own wedding, which you will NOT attend. Tell them to cancel all their plans, or face looking like fools when you don't show up.

Get a hold of the invitation list and send out letters telling them that the wedding plans are being remade. State the truth--that you and your boyfriend are taking over the planning and that therefore they have to RSVP to the only wedding which will actually take place.

That should get rid of the people that are only there for your parents and not you.

It will be awkward to have to tell both your parents and the invitees list this info, but you have to take a stand in your life. You have to tell your parents that you are an adult now and that they have to respect you. If you don't do it now, it will NEVER end, and you will always be treating as a child with no brains of her own.

Answer 5

When it comes to a wedding, a parent seems to think that this is their special day and at times feel that they should rule the guest list. What you need to do is have a sit down talk with them and say, ok, invite those that you want there, I will invite who I want and my fiance will invite who he wants. If our budget can handle that we can keep them all. If not take time to go through the entire list and send out invites only to those that you know will show up. Those you know will not arrive you can send them what is called a Wedding Announcement which is normally sent out the day of or a few days after the wedding. Telling those that didn't come to the wedding that you were married.
But even if your parents and his parents are paying for this they should understand that this is your big day and that means that it's up to you to make the ultimate discison. You should be able to choose the cake, food for the reception, theme of the wedding. That kind of thing, after that they should be allowed to say a few things but never should they be able to take over the wedding itself. It isn't fair to you or your fiance that they say that the wedding is what they are paying for. They should be happy for you and be there to support you in this special time but not taking over. As for your dress you can refuse it and if need be tell them that if they keep things up you and your fiance if you can aford it will plan the wedding yourself. If things need be you can always hire a wedding planner and have that person be the person that is in your corner and is the one that will make sure that your the one that is the center of attention.
Good Luck and Hugs

Answer 6

Welcome to the nightmare that is a wedding! Everyone goes through things like this to some degree with their families when planning a wedding. Since you asked for advice, here is what I have learned through personal experience: The fairy tale wedding is a fantasy that never comes true and costs a lot of money. The ceremony is over quickly and forgotten quickly. The memories of the closeness and laughter with family and friends last forever. So elope. It's cheap and it's easy. Then throw yourself the biggest and best reception you can afford, and do it all your own way. Then get on a plane and have a great honeymoon. And take lots of pictures.

I know you probably hate the idea of eloping, but I've been married twice, and both times I had big weddings. They were both a whole lot of nonsense and stress and money, and they weren't worth it. I love a good party, though, so the receptions were great. My first marriage didn't last long, either, so it was a lot of money down the drain. My second marriage is wonderful and happy, but I still hate the people who tried to throw a wrench in it, and I can't forget the stupid, rude, controlling things people did to try to get me to do things their way. We should have eloped. I'd still hate my sister-in-law, but at least it would have taken a little longer for the bad feelings to set in.

Answer 7

Married life is a series of compromises with your spouse and with your families. That's fact this is your first opportunity to prove that you're mature enough to handle those compromises. You're blowing it be careful your boyfriend is already telling you that your parents are starting to perceive you as spoiled which means he too has noticed. You're in danger of losing your parents support and your guys affection. If I were you I would start making some compromises.

FYI most people that have large weddings have folks their out of respect for the parents. They don't know the bride and groom as adults or as a couple. Lighten up and accept a little reality it is your wedding but it's a family celebration of a sacrament. You will come off as a more mature and marriage ready adult if you can accept a few things and compromise on some others.

I realize that you want things your way but the reality of life is that folks just don't get all of their own way at any time.

Answer 8

While both sets of parents are planning to pay for the wedding, they have a small say in what can go on, HOWEVER they do not have the right to dictate every aspect of it. No matter who pays, you are the one getting married and therefore it should be similar to what you want.

I would suggest taking both sets of parents out for dinner with your boyfriend. Inform them while the help they are giving to your wedding is very well appreciated, you feel that you are not being heard. You can let them know that you had envisioned a wedding a certain way and while you may bend on a few things, there are a few things that you will not bend on and there is no room to compromise.

I would still allow the parents to help plan but inform them that the final decision lays with you. If they are not willing to see it your way, then you can inform them at the table that you and your fiance will be having a smaller version wedding and that you will be the one planning it. If they still want to throw you a larger wedding after that point, then so be it, but as far as you are concerned you want it a certain way. Offer the parents different aspects of the planning- such as let your parents be in charge of planning the meal and let his parents be in charge of say, the reception.

Also in regards to the extra guests- i wouldnt worry about that. If it is out of respect for your parents then so be it. You will still have friends and family there strictly to celebrate your day with and for you.

Answer 9

This seems to be an ongoing problem with persons who control the purse strings. Why, I don't know.
By rights I think they should have some input & be there to advise you, but I agree, this is your wedding, not theirs.

I don't like ultimatums or threats, but I see no other choice since Mom isn't willing to be reasonable & cooperate.
You can do a couple of things.
It's going to take restraint on your part. Go to your parents, tell them that if you can't work together to have the wedding you want, then there isn't going to be a wedding. & then leave. NO arguing. OR
Tell her you've decided to have a destination wedding. You & fiance are going to fly someplace ALONE & get married. You'll tell them about your wonderful wedding when you return home.
This MIGHT wake her up to see that she not only isn't going to get to plan a wedding, she isn't even going to be witness to it!

The thing is though, you HAVE to be willing to follow through with what you say.
I say, sit down someplace quietly & talk to your fiance about what the two of you r-e-a-l-l-y have to have to make this event mean something to YOU. Work from there.

Answer 10

Instead of a big traditional wedding, why don't you and your fiance do something small and quaint? You're mom and dad can choose to fly in all these people, and want to pay for things, but this is your day and not theres. Yes, if they are paying, they should have a SAY but thats it. Overall, you and your soon to be husband should make the final decision. If your parents and his do not like it, well then, tough.
If your parents are refusing not to pay - well, I hate to sound cheap or tawdry about it, but maybe you guys should just elope in Vegas. Your parents dont want to listen, and want everything to be their way, and its not their day! They had theres when they got married! Now its your turn to shine, and you should shine the way you want, not how they want! Put your foot down and tell them; its your day, your wedding, and if they refuse to not pay for it, then you are not going to include them at all.