I need some funny quotes!?

Question

I need a good quote for my webpage, please help!

They can be about anything:
-life
-success
-fashion
-money
-friends

Answer 1

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn’t?
Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright

Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
Denis Leary

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!
Denis Leary

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then – one day – you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
Denis Leary

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out.
Dolly Parton

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I’m giving them my share.
Rita Mae Brown

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain-
and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie

Here’s to you, as good as you are,
And here’s to me, as bad as I am,
But as good as you are, and as bad as I am,
I am as good as you are, as bad as I am.
Old Scottish Toast

There is no problem so big that it can’t be run away from.
Snoopy the Dog

How many legs does a dog have if you call its tail a leg?
Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.
Groucho Marx

I think, therefore I am, I think.
George Carlin

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you.
Their tastes may not be the same.
George Bernard Shaw

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg
cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.
Mark Twain

Answer 2

i have a few for you [: We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by. Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls. This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way. McDonald’s announced they will be adding 25 percent more beef to their hamburgers. As a result, McDonald’s hamburgers will now feature 25 percent beef.” A new study by the American Medical Association shows that having sex does not trigger a heart attack — it’s getting caught having sex that triggers the heart attack.” Men are like outhosues. All the good ones are taken and all the bad ones are full of crap Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. hope these helped [:

Answer 3

Life:
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson

Success:
"The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows."
- Aristotle Onassis

Fashion:
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
- Mark Twain

Money:
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
- J. Paul Getty

Friends:
"The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend."
- Abraham Lincoln

Answer 4

Abe Lincoln;How many legs does a dog have if you can call a tail a leg,4 just because you can call a tail a leg doesn't make it one. Bob Hope" Bing Crosby doesn't pay income tax, he just calls the goverment and ask how much do you boys need Erms Bombeck House woek if you do it right can kill you. John F. Kennedy: Forgibe your enemies,butnever forget their names. Mark Twain: Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mickey Rooney: I buy women shoes and they use them to walk away from me.

Answer 5

Funniest one I know of was the notice on the website about an upcoming Psychic's Convention. It read: "Cancelled due to unforseen circumstances"

Answer 6

Arnold Schwarenegger: I believe gay marriage should be between a man and a woman. People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.:Andrew Carnegie

Answer 7

i don't know if any of them are of the following topics, but any george bush quotes are pretty funny..

Answer 8

This site has all subjects and are really good quotes: http://www.wisdomquotes.com/

Answer 9

"Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what your gonna get . "


Used on Forrest Gump

Answer 10

Chek this out