my mother refuses to give me privacy....?

Question

she goes in my room and looks through all my stuff. she goes on my computer and checks out what i've been doing. i mean i'm 20 why is she still doing this? i can't afford to move out on my own. so what should i do? i have no privacy at all. i had a lock on my door i came home one day and she had taken iut off. i also have a password on my computer but i don't know how but she figured out a way past it. i really need help!

Answer 1

She porbasbly does not trust you. Have you done asnything bad in the past. I would work on trying to build her trust.

Answer 2

You are an adult, and should be treated as an adult. You say you can't afford to move out...are you working at all?

If not, get a job, and start saving so that you can get a place of your own. Soon.

House rules apply when an adult is not living in their own place. If adults want privacy, they have to pay for it.

In your mom's home, she is within her rights to know what's going on. If you have nothing to hide, let her in on what you are doing. She may just want to be sure you aren't involved in unsafe or illegal activities.

Don't get upset about it if you are not, but let her in on the things you are involved in and be sure to respect her house. If you want to stay home, you may have to leave the door open, and take the lock off the computer.

She may also just want to be involved in your life.

Did you become an adult and shut her out? Parents don't stop being parents just because you are all grown up. They still care, and are still very interested in your life.

One more thought, have you talked to your mom about this?

Not the angry, beligerent, defiant, "it's my life and I can do what I want to" talk;

or the "mom vs. me", talk;

or the "why is she DOING this to me?" talk;

but the "let's sit down and discuss this like 2 reasonable, rational adults" talk?

Try discussing this with the intention of seeing her point, accepting her decision, and deciding whether to stay and do things her way, or move out and do things yours.

Sorry: since this is probably not what you were looking for.
But I hope this helps.

Answer 3

I seriously believe you are going to have to figgure out how to afford moving out. This would be the easiest road, and to accept that in her home you will have no privacy.

In the interim, it may be helpful to sit down and talk this over with your mother and a disinterested third party, such as a pastor or a counselor. Perhaps there is a particular item she's worried about. You haven't shared with us your past (which is fine) but I don't know if you have some history of self-destroying behavior or relationships (a lot of people do) that she's particularly looking for because she's concerned. Whether or not this is the case, with the help of a 3rd person you might be able to work out a compromise on privacy that addresses your needs and her fears.

Answer 4

Since you are living with your parent...obviously for low cost or free, you have to either:

1.)live with it. Don't have anything on your computer that would make you nervous about her finding out about...or you could just be honest! Looking through your stuff? Is she finding anything? If she is making a mess of things, ask her nicely, "If you could, the next time you go through my stuff, could you possibly either leave things the way that you found it, not make it a mess, or put things back they way you found them? I would really appreciate it."
2.)make an agreement with her, to the extent of agreeing to either pay her money for living there or pay her more, in return for a given amount of privacy.

3.)get a job that pays you more and move out.

You can talk to your mother, but you must not become offensive, be offended or come across in a nasty tone about the privacy issue. You must try to tell her that you want to live with her, since it is easier for you...but, that you would like a given amount of privacy...because you are a young adult and would like to start to be given consideration in being one...and ask her why she is doing this? Does she think you might be partying too much? Are you going out to clubs or staying out late? Not being responsible?? What is your behavior?? Is it really unwarranting her doing this? Do you do chores around the house? Do you do your own laundry and make meals for you and your mother (and family--if there are more people in the household)? Do you buy laundry soap? Food? Are you a student? There are a number of reasons WHY she could be doing this...you need to figure out why.

Answer 5

I am a mother and I don't think most parents like to check up on their kids. Are there some trust issues? If she suspects you are on internet sights you shouldn't be or into drugs, drinking, etc.,she probably feels like she has every right to know what is going on in her home. Try discussing this on an adult level by asking your mom why she doesn't trust you and discuss things openly and honestly so she feels she is in touch with you and what is going on in your life. Even though you are 20, you are still under her authority as long as you live in her home. Try spending more time with your mom (shopping, lunch, etc.) to help your relationship build a bridge from mom/ teen to mom/ adult daughter. I had to make this transition with my own daughter. It was not easy, but we both worked on communication and trust issues and now we are very close.

Answer 6

At twenty, unless you have given her a reason not to, you deserve you privacy. You are an adult. As to the computer, change your password, and change it often. Use something that you can remember, and don't write it down. See if you can find a girlfriend who wants to share an apartment, and then move out.

Answer 7

Well sorry and too bad you live with her. Still what she is doing isnt right but you live with her. Now I don't say this harshe ,siiaying this as have been there, scrounge and save and sacrifice and MOVE OUT. Get a 2nd job. Your 20 you should live alone. I went from my mom's house to my husband';s house and didnt have my own because my mom convinced me I couldnt afford it and couldnt do it. JUST do it be a waitress as an extra job.

Answer 8

As long as you live with your mother she has the right to go through your stuff. I would tell her how you feel and approach her like an adult. Yelling and screaming will not go over well. As if it can be a gradual progression give an take with her. YOur only other choice is to move out.

Answer 9

Ummm seems to me like you need to save up your money or somethin and move out. I dont understand how your 20 years old and she still looks through your stuff. Why does she care what you do?? Your 20 not 13 haha thats crazy but i think you should ask her why she does

Answer 10

Oh geez thats sad!!! (sorry...but it is)

Heres two options

1) Stay where you are and not be happy
2) Find a roommate(s) and move out and get a job


And give her a talk on privacy. Seriously-WOW.

Be like "Mom...I know you care about me and love me, but you need to STOP. This is something that will make me hate you. I cant trust you anymore and I am going to leave"

or something.

Answer 11

talk to her and tell her everything and how u feel im 18 and my mom does not do that to me u should just talk to her and be calm about it and dont yell or raise your voice. if shes going through your thigns she may think that you are hiding condoms, drugs or soemthing eles. i know how much people need there privacy my dad is that way he wants me to always stay in the open so he kwnos i wont go and hang out with my old friends who i knew sence i was in the 3rd grade.