Advise on how to comfort my 9yr old after telling her about a death.?

Question

I just had to tell my 9yr old daughter about a friend passing away. She is now acting like she's mad at me. Is this normal? I told her in a sensitive way. What did I do wrong? She won't even let me comfort her or hug her. HELP

Answer 1

This is a tough one.
There is never a right way to tell anyone (whether child or adult) about a death. It sounds like your child is hurt and confused right now. Perhaps leave her a little bit alone and give a bit of space. Don't force feelings out of her that she can't articulate (yet). She'll probably have a lot of questions later. And then after a while bring her some hot chocolote or whatever she likes but maybe shouldn't eat late in the evening, just make an exception (food is comforting).

You could then perhaps talk about the friend a little bit about how great the friend was and remember some funny incidents. This is not to make light of the situation, but just to take the seriousness away.
If you're spiritual or religious, and even if you aren't, you could pray with your child tonight for the friend. That way your child at least will go to bed somewhat comforted.

Your child might now be scared that something might happen to you. If she asks (and only if she asks), reassure her that she has to put up with you for a long, long, long time.

You could also suggest (maybe tonight or in a day or two) to plant a tree somewhere for the friend. So your child can participate actively in something.

Good luck.

Answer 2

U probably didnt do anything wrong. This is a normal reaction although if it carries on Id be concerned.

When I have told my children delicate news sometimes (as individuals) they appear unsure how to react. It almost like they await prompting or a signal from me to help with it.

Once my 6 yr old son actually perked up with 'like Lion King mum,....the circle of life thing'. That was his way of understanding what death meant. (think that made me cry more)

In your situation, I would just approach her and say something like...
I just want to tell u that its ok to cry, feel angry & sad inside, but im not going anywhere for a longtime 'or at least not until im an old grannie & become a pain in the butt to u anyway' (gentle humour has always bought a smile to mine)

And remind her that she can ask questions or share her thoughts with u anytime and that u wont talk about it unless she asks u to first. Even if she appears to not be listening (head under pillow or something) she will be.
>>>> Then leave the room & carry on as normal as possible & wait for her come to u. - She will. Bless her!

Answer 3

We had the same situation. My daughter lost 2 friends at the age of 10. She went to the memorial with me and the funeral home. She was very quiet after the initial cry. I know she cried when she was alone.
People deal with grief in their own way. More recently we lost our older son and my daughter again was very quiet in her grieving.
The best thing I can suggest is to keep talking. I bring my son up in conversation whenever I can. Maybe that is my way of coping with it. She will bring up things in the past that she remembers she and her brother did together and will laugh about it.
So, in my opinion, keep the lines of communication open. Let her talk, or cry if she wants. Just be there for her. Best of luck to you.
Oh, you did nothing wrong. You did what you had to do. Give her some time.
Also, Hospice may offer some advice or the school counselors.

Answer 4

It is normal for children to express there emotions and understanding in different ways,and you are not to blame, as a parent im sure you told her in the most senstive way possible and in a way she would understand...find a redirection for her hurt if it was a close friend then a place she could go, or a diary, dont push her but be there for her let her know how you feel about lose and she may well do the same leave yourself open and avalible.....
mizzp xx

Answer 5

I do agree that there is no easy way to tell anyone that someone near or dear passed.....I also agree that you should not force yourself on her-BUT-would it be so bad to let her see how upset you are? Maybe tell her, I am so sorry that this happened, Mommy feels really bad,,,,could I have a hug? That might make us both feel a little better if we were upset together?
Your doing fine mom,,,,just let her know you feel it too, that its OK,,,,

Answer 6

you can call you daughters school and ask them for some pamphlets on how to deal with death the always have them they will send them to you or with her home from school, it is important to let her know that her friend is in a much better place than here and that her friend will still be with her, It is normal though for them to go threw a variety of stages dealing with death, anger is one of them,but please stick with trying to comfort her it is harder for a child to deal with another child's death than an adult. I have had to deal with it the last 3 years my children have lost friends. one being murderd by their boyfriend and 1 one the spring break last year in the crash that happened in Florida, 1 to a trampoline accident and this year 1 to a car crash. It has been hard on me with dealing with their grief. Life gives us many challenges and this is one of them. Good luck and work with her.

Answer 7

Death is expressed in many ways for people. Anger is a very large part of death. Perhaps she just wants to 'blame' you for this death.
Was it her friend who died, or a family friend?

Just let her be mad and let her know you love her and when she needs you you will be there.

Answer 8

it's never easy to be in this position. my guess is she is sad, hurt and angry,but not at you. it could be that she just doesn't know what to do with these feelings. it's all very new and she needs time to sort them out. give her a little more time. i'm sure she'll come around. then you two can try to talk it over again. good luck

Answer 9

give her some space, there are lots of books for kids her age, they help a lot, unfortunately i know a lot about this subject, my children have had a lot of loss including my 3 eldest dad, answer her questions when she is ready to ask, patience, a lot of anger, tears, children go thru the same stages of death as anyone else, anger is number one, let her guide you , and she will, sorry for your loss

Answer 10

Anger is one of the stages of the griving process. i think just knowing that you are there and love her will be a comfort. let her know you are here if she needs to talk or anythig, so if she is ready she will.