Make me laugh......?

Question

Getting a lot of thumbs down on my jokes tonight....so now it's your turn to see if you can do better :)

Ticky.....keep them clean!

Answer 1

You asked for it fidge :)

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and m**turbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

You running low hun? Happens to the best of us...well, not me. I've got tons :) (only ribbing ya) x

Answer 2

** Things you'd like to write on a student's report card **

1. Since my last report, the student has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. This student has delusions of adequacy.

4. The student sets low personal standards and then
occasionally fails to achieve them.

5. Student has been working with glue too much.

6. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.

7. Student has a photogenic memory but the lens cover is
glued on.

8. The 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming.'

9. If you give the student a penny for his/her thoughts, you
would get change.

10. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Answer 3

Joke #1: How to catch a Polar Bear:

This is how you catch a Polar Bear:
Dig a hole, then put some peas around it, and then some ash in it. When the bear comes to eat the peas, kick it in the ash hole!

Joke: #2 A boy wanted to learn the first 5 letters of the alphabet. So, he went to his sister who was on the phone, and he asked her what the first letter of the alphabet is. She was saying to her friend "no way, shut up!" So, the boy memorized that. Then he went to his mom, who was also talking on the phone. He asked what the second letter of the alphabet was. She was saying "aha,aha, aha." So he memorized that too. Then he went to his brother who was watching Batman. He asked his brohter what the third letter of the alphabet was. He sang "nananana, batman!" So the boy memorized that. Then he went to his Grandpa who was grilling hamburgers. The boy asked what the fourth letter of the alphabet was. He said "My buns are burning! My buns are burning!" Then the boy shouted outside the window while a building was falling, "What's the fifth letter of the alphabet?" A lady was shouting "call 911!" The next day at school, the teacher asked him to say the first five letters of the alphabet. He said "no way, shut up!" The teacher said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He then said "aha, aha, aha." Once he was at the principal's office, the principal asked him "who do you think you are?" the boy said "nanananana, batman!" The principal spanked him, then the boy said "My buns are burning!" Then the principal said "what's your parents' numbers?" The boy siad "Call 911!"

Those are the funniest jokes I know.

Answer 4

Here are 2 really funny ones:



They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”











A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Answer 5

How can anyone give you thumbs down on your jokes fidgety.They are class as I have mentioned before..
Must say that some of these jokes posted are really funny.Ah well,here goes.Here's my humble offering.

A guy wanted to get an all-over tan before going on a hot date with a gorgeous blonde.So he went sunbathing on the flat roof of his house,but unfortunately he fell asleep and ended up with terrible sunburn on his penis.
Nevertheless he went to her apartment and they sat watching a dvd.But as the film went on,his sunburn started to give him considerable pain.Eventually he could stand it no longer and excused himself to the kitchen.There he poured himself a glass of ice cold milk and dipped his burning penis into it. The relief was instant.
Just then the blonde,wondering where he had gone,peered around the kitchen door. "Oh" she exclaimed."So that's how you guys load those things!"

Answer 6

a guy walks into a bar...ow

what did the tooth fairy say when she ran into the brick wall? Nothing, theres no such thing as a toothfairy.

Why did the blonde have skid marks on her back? The crosswalk sign said "don't walk"

Why was the blonde upset when she got her drivers license? Next to sex it said F

Answer 7

There are four men sitting in a waiting room, waiting to hear the new about their wives. The nurse walks up to the first and says "Congratulations! You are the father of twins." "That is strange," he says "I work for the Minnesota Twins." She walks over to the second man and says "You are the father of triplets." "That's weird I work for 3M." Then she walks over to the third. "You are the father of quadruplets." "That's strange I work for Four Seasons." About this time the last man starts banging his head on the wall. "Is everything okay." asks the nurse. "No," replies the man "I work for 7up."

Answer 8

Try these ....



1

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..


2

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out her window, "PIG!"
Man yells out his window, "B.I.T.C.H!"
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

Thought For The Day : If only men would listen.


3

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it
makes me
happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home
from
work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the
way
home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally
her
husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

HEHE>>HAVE FUN 2 YA GUYZ READING

Answer 9

i have a lot of good ones but go to my profile if u want more:
-Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.

Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!

Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter.....(pumpkin eater)"
-Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his pen!s, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
-A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her p****. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my p****. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
-A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have s** with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have s**. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of s**. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better s**. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the s** was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
-Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

i hope u like my jokes.

Answer 10

Pa won't like it.......

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Awe,come on," the farmer said.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon, " Willis said.