Are you kidding?!?

Question

My goldfish died, and i'm feeling down today. So i think i need a pick-me-up. Tell me a joke, please? Whoever makes me laugh the hardest gets best answer.

Answer 1

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''




Too Smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

Answer 2

why parents have gray hair


Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Answer 3

dont know anything about your sense of humor but i hope this helps


Ways To Annoy Bathroom-mates:

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

Answer 4

this one's really funny, and i took it from this other guy.


3 scientists decide to see what would happen if they corked a cow's butt. After a few months, the cow had grown to a pretty good size and they decided to end the experiment - but no one wanted to pull the plug out. So they train a monkey to use a cork screw and on the day of the un-corking, the 3 scientists situate themselves at 100 yards away, 50 yards away, and 10 yards away. TV cameras were running, photos being taken and the scientists ready, the monkey approached the cow, screwed the corkscrew in, and pulled it out.
Of course crap was flying everywhere, and after the initial explosion, reporters interviewed the scientists. They asked the one at 100 yards away what he saw. He said, "All I saw was crap flying!". They asked the one at 50 yards and he said, "All I saw was crap flying!". They asked the one at 10 yards away what he saw, and he said, "All I saw was that poor monkey trying to push the cork back in!"

Answer 5

hi Fluffy! LOVE the lovable little penguin. I (the human at the back of this cat) don't have teenagers nor do i % teenagers. that's a mutual contract between my husband and that i because of genetic malformities on his area and specific venture on my area that would ward off us from having little ones. i do no longer remorseful approximately it. I certainly have pets instead (it is why i like the penguin) and that they are purely like human little ones, yet you do no longer might desire to deliver them to college or concern approximately drug or alcohol dependancy. different issues proceed to be an identical. Potty training, way training (which some human beings do no longer even get), obediance training (back some human beings are with out). you will possibly desire to take them to the surgeon while they get unwell. you will possibly desire to freshen up after them. you will possibly desire to observe them so as that they are not getting into stuff they shouldn't. you will possibly desire to guard them from predators or different vicious human beings or animals. you will possibly desire to play with them and raise them properly. you will possibly desire to feed them wisely and beware in the event that they get fat. make confident they get adequate excersize... the mummy instinct in me says I might desire to have pets so I certainly have something to nurture. confident, walking stick bugs do no longer % THAT plenty nurturing, yet they're somewhat cool! I wish you the ideal of success including your destiny human little ones.

Answer 6

So I dont have a joke but i have a story..

I have a cat, a pug, and a chuwawa

my chuwawa and pug kept coughing up hair balls

i walked downstairs and looked at my cat....

the cat walked over to the dogs water bowl and dipped her tail in their water and swirls it around.

Answer 7

What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork!

Answer 8

OK, what you call when a fish is sad? A "BLUEFISH" get it?

Answer 9

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