Dad from HELL?

Question

my 2 neices have lived with us for the last 6 and half years. their mum was on drugs, they each have their own dad. when the girls first came everyone said they would support me as i brought them up. over the years they have all opted out . the girls mum rarely kept in touch until last year when she wanted access to them again. the youngest childs dad visited until 3 years ago. at the start we gave him a key to our home and he visited whenever he liked, things gradually started to deteriate, he used to tell them how mummy puts needles in her arms (youngest aged 4 at the time), that she had been locked in a room until she came off drugs, that sort of thing.when i would try to speak to him about it he would be ok, but then tell the kids how nasty i was to him! this confused the girls very much and it finally came to a head, we argued and he started picking the girls up at the door. eventualy he stopped contact altogether until mum has come back on the scene and now he's started again!

social services are involved and he has been warned but only tonight he told his daughter that i'm trying to stop him visiting! the poor kid doesent know who to believe but i do feel as if i have to defend myself from his lies or else the girls will hate me. what do i do? i have done everything i can to promote contact from them but this is how he is trying to portray me. he's just messing with the kids mind and even though contact now has to be supervised because of this he still phones and says it over the phone! I do not want to stop contact as i know how much this will hurt the girls

thanks brittney, over the years i've been offered all sorts of full parental custody but i have always wanted the girls to retain their identity and live life with contact with all their family. I could never stop anyone from seeing their family

i have to say i'm overwhelmed with the positive responses and support from you all. i've spoken to the social worker today and he's totally disgusted with 'dads' attitude. he will speak to him and tell him that unless he stops this childish behaviour phone contact will be stopped and it will be only supervised visits held at the social services dept. he will also suggest some sort of therapy to him. he tells me this is not uncommon in these situations and he will speak to my neice, who is just 8 years old, to confirm what i already tell her, that i want her dad to have contact and have never tried to stop him. my neice has asked me not to confront her dad as she does not want him to think she has betrayed his confidence cos he told her not to tell and that it was 'their little secret'. i feel awful knowing that i'm betraying HER confidence in me and hope this will not stop her from confiding in me in the future

Answer 1

I think that the parents should be made aware that what they are doing is using their children as weapons against you and each other. As you quite rightly observe, this is just completely unacceptable when you consider the emotional and physical well being of the children. You are the one that has provided the children with stability and safety away from what would have seemed to be a very difficult home life with their respective parents. You are to be applauded for this and in years to come I feel sure the girls will come to realise this and respect you for it. In the meantime there are a few tough decisions that are going to have to be made. You, Social Services, and the parents are going to have to liaise somehow and formal set visitation rights will have to be hammered out and agreed, to provide the children with a routine and security. The parents need to be shown that they are the ones that are behaving like children by taking their frustration with each other by using their girls to get back at one another. In the end you are doing the right thing by placing the children's welfare first. Good luck.

Answer 2

Hi Suzanne,

I have been in a not so disimilar situation and so has a friend. I know that you want the children to have their own identities, and know about their families, but in the long term are you really doing them a favour by letting the parents have access to the children.After all you have to pick up the pieces when these parents have gone and left the children upset.
I am surprised that Social Services haven't made the suggestion to you that you could adopt the children as your own. This would solve the problem once and for all, as then the court would order that the parents have no contact.

Why should those parents have contact with the girls, when they obviously didn't really care about them in the beginning otherwise they wouldn't be with you.If the mother, wants contact now I would be very wary as, once a drug addict always a drug addict, she could quickly return to the drugs at the slightest upset in her life. This would be so detremental to the children. As for the father the things that he is saying to the children, albeit the truth is a type of psycological abuse. I would have none of that.

I would be inclined to get Social Services to have a court order put in place to stop the visits before anymore damage is done in the childrens little lives. It will be kinder to the girls, and they are the ones to be considered most in this situation. The parents had a choice, and they blew it. The girls had no choices.

I know it is very hard to be in your position, but be strong. The girls will thank you one day when they have grown up, and they will understand where you were coming from in acting in their best interests now.

Answer 3

This is a very difficult situation and very disturbing for the children - go to your local social services or health visitor and ask them for some support. They are there to help and not just step in whenever things have broken down - knowing they are around may make the parents think again about their actions and stabilise his appearances in the childrens lives. Consider taking legal steps to have yourself made their guardian so the unstable parents cant be so destructive. Legal aid is available for cases concerning children so you wont have to pay unless you have ££££. Use a solicitor who specialises in Family Law and are on the Family Law Panel, the library will have a list or you can search the internet.

Answer 4

oh hon this must be so hard for u, u r doing such a great thing and a great job of bringing these little girls up tell social services exactly whats happening with the father and each time he does it as this will make a stronger case for u, u r right to want the kids to retain their identity but u could adopt them and still give the mother visiting rights and stuff as this will give the girls stability and they will still know who their mum is, when they get older they will realise that their dad is in the wrong and u r the one who loved cared for and braught them up to the best of ur abilities and im sure ur doing a wonderful job xx

Answer 5

I'm really sorry to hear how much of a difficult time your having. my ex husband who used to tell my son who was 10 years old at the time all sorts of stories that were untrue. they were mostly about me and my family, my son would come home very distressed and not knowing who to believe. my ex would not always turn up either again leaving my son very upset. in the end i decided enough was enough i then stopped any contact and explained why. i then got a solicitor to write to him and explain what was happening, my ex never ever bothered to contact us again and my son is better off. i know its slightly different to your situation but you must do whats best for the children, just because they are the parents doesn't mean they have the right to have contact with the children if they are upsetting them so much. my son is much happier now and i did wonder if i was doing the right thing at the time but my son deserved better and that was down to me to make sure that happend. good luck to you

Answer 6

I understand exactly what your going through,

I have my Step son living with me 10yrs old, His mother basically threw him out on the street 2 years ago and told him he was never welcome back in the house....

He has not had much contact with his mother in this time, and initial contact is only made by him, which is a phone call once a month if that....

But when she speaks to him, he asks why she got rid of him, and she denies everything, says his dad and i are brainwashing him,that she never said anything of the sort, yet hes till remembers the things she said, and some were awful, its like shes in denial....

He also has another brother and sister who live with the mother, (natural siblings) he has only seen them twice in the 2 years and both times they have come to stay with us,m and both times the mother has caused so much trouble(last visit she made a claim to the police that my 6 yr old daughter had sexually abused one of the children) the police actually adviced me to take legal advice and get an injunction out on her because she is mentally unstable...

I would prefer for my stepson not to have any contact with his mother, as she is very dangerous to him mentally, but we are at our wits end.....and dont seem to get anywhere with it all

Answer 7

Try haveing the courts order supervied visitations with a credentailed monitor. That way its out of your hands and there is no contact between you or the parents. I know it sounds harsh but it works. A professiona monitor has rules that each parent has to follow or else no visitations. Parents are the ones that have to pay for this service. That way you don't keep the kids from seeing them and you are not involved in that aspect. Basically it keeps the peace for everyone.

Answer 8

hi children dont need to know the ins and out of needle usage until they are old enough to understand this sort of behaviour by their dad is not acceptable and is disgusting to tell a child of 4 this not only is this man tormenting the child emotionally but physically too,this is just damaging all the goodness your trying to do for these girls.
if he was a father to these girls he would not bitterly tell them this sort of thing never mind trying to get the girls to choose between their mother him and you,this man in my eyes is no father figure to these girls but a crazed animal in possession ,also this man sounds like he is envy with jelousy towards the girls mother.
dont let him through the door as this is just upsetting the girls and could eventually cause more harm than good.

Answer 9

NO~ your prayers are absolute to have stored him from this destiny! P.S. there is not any such factor as an unforgiveable sin! Jesus, knew your dad's discomfort and maximum definitely has forgiven him for desiring to make it domicile so as that the suffering might end. apart from, like the criminal rules here on earth, being below the influnce clouds judgement. Jesus knew your father's techniques-set and does not carry this against him-he died for ALL of our sins- your father's coated. Dont undertaking approximately him being in hell, he's not, infact he's a guardin angel watching over you appropriate now and he's not suffering in any respect

Answer 10

I agree you need to get them to stay away if you can. Difficult since the lady in question is your sister and one of her flings. You should be able to speak to the girls about the situation and you need to be awfully blunt with them. Its for there own good that they know what there parents are. Hopefully they will dissapear again soon once the guilt pains have passed and not turn up for another 3 or 4 years.