Why do I get drawn into unproductive conversations with my mother?

Question

When we talk on the phone, it doesn't seem to matter if I am calm or not. At some point during the conversation she starts interrupting me in mid-sentence, jumping on me with harsh statements and argumentative words. I eventually get to the point where I have to almost match her level of intensity before she'll calm down and listen to me. It just ebbs and then flows, ebbs and then flows, ad nausem.

She is highly critical of things that I say, think or do and seldom offers a compliment to me even when deserved. You uses statements such as "You're never...","You can't do...","You're not","You're being..." etc. rather than phrases like "I understand what you're saying.","Yes, I agree." etc.

We've been having these sort of non-productive conversations since I could talk (I am now 30 years old). She treats me like a child and it aggravates me. Even now, at 30, she treats me as though I am in grade school.

What gives? Any insight(s) would be profoundly helpful.

Thanks,

Paul

You in that second paragraph should actually read she.

Answer 1

Unfortunately some parents never seem able to give up parenting. The sort of parent who never heard you when you said you don't eat Cheetos and mayo sandwiches anymore. Not listening when you say you prefer striped sweaters to argyle ones - and you have for the past 10 years. It sounds like your mom might be one of those types.

The good news is you are an adult, taking care of yourself in the big wide world and doing a good job of it too I'm sure. It is nearly impossible to force a parent to see you as an adult. You just have to continue to act like an adult - even if she insists on acting like a child. When she starts down the unproductive, "you never...yadda yadda" path; calmly cut her off and tell her you won't be listening to this. If she continues, politely say goodbye and hang up.

Don't stoop to her level. If you don't enjoy yelling arguments and tearful apologies don't start down that path. Cut her off; talk about something else: "Mom I love you, but I am not going to xxxxx. Now let's talk about those new shoes you got." If changing the subject doesn't work, go for the big guns...the "call me back when you don't want to argue" or, "I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk about something else" and then besure to follow up. Gradually you can ease her off that familiar pathway and onto a pathway that could lead to greater trust and love between you two.

good luck!

Answer 2

Because you let her. She's done it for years without you making her stop. Unless you stop letting her take control, she'll continue. The best thing to do would be, when the conversation turns the corner you calmly say "Mom, stop accusing me and listen to what I'm saying" if she can't respect that, conversation over. Have you ever read "The Celestine Prophecy"? There is a very simple explanation of personality types and how to deal with them. There are other books out there on the topic, but I found this one to be the most simple and to the point.

Good luck :)

Answer 3

i'm somewhat finding forward to this Ashes sequence and actual have not thoroughly written the Aussies off. nonetheless England might desire to flow into the sequence as overwhelming favourites because of present day type and the actual incontrovertible fact that the sequence is being performed in England. I reckon Chris Rogers might properly be slightly a gloomy horse as he's familiar with the situations over right here exceedingly plenty. good to work out some friendly banter flying around between the two contraptions of supporters too!

Answer 4

Your question reminds me of a comment I came across once while doing some reading on how to deal with my own mother:

"Your parents know better than anyone how to push your buttons. After all, they did the wiring."

And, I'm sorry to say, it may never get better. My mother has some passive-aggressive tendencies in her. I was supposed to get married this July, in Arizona. My fiancee and I went to my hometown to see my sister (who had just had her first baby) and when my mother cornered us in our hotel room, we got a long diatribe about how we hadn't given anyone any information, we hadn't made any arrangements for anyone, she didn't know where she was supposed to be going, what she was supposed to be doing, etc.

Now, my mother has my phone number, even had my fiancee's phone number, and had access to the Internet to answer a lot of her questions, but she just strolled merrily along until she could ambush us ... not to mention one of her comments was "we don't know where the wedding is." (Meaning, where is it relative to major airports ... i.e., which airport to fly into, possible places to stay, etc. This is actually a complete lie, incidentally.)

A few days later, in a private, tear-filled conversation, we essentially decided, "Screw them, we'll go to Vegas and get married." This actually is what we, personally, wanted to do in the first place, but we wanted our families and friends to be part of a more formal wedding, which is why we hadn't done so.

Somehow, my mother - who, remember, couldn't plan a weekend in Arizona with 10 months notice - succeeded in getting her, my father, and my brother to Vegas on three and a half weeks notice.

The point is, it later came out that the real problem was that no one wanted to go to Arizona in the middle of July, but no one wanted to admit that because they didn't want me to interpret it as, "We don't want to go to your wedding."

As to your question ... it sounds like you've learned to recognize it. My best advice is, just let it go. When my father says, for the 150th time, "I don't know how you're going to deal with the challenges you'll face" (we're both disabled) or when my mother wonders if I chose the wrong realtor because my condo hasn't sold in the middle of one of the softest markets in the country, I just let it go. I don't even comment on it. I just let it go.

Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Your learning to be a good counselor in my opinion. Place yourself above the moment and always have the big picture in mind.

Answer 6

i think i had 2 intelligent conversations with my own mother, always foolishness, she lived in the past, avoid them, just call to say hello then get out of it, she will not change.