Do you automatically think I am a bad mother for having 3 children by the age of 20?

Question

And if I told you I had my first daughter at 16 would you especially assume I was a neglectful parent perhaps?

I often wonder.

Well let me fill you in. I have 3 girls, married for 10 years, I am a homeowner, college educated and I have been a stay at home more for the last 6 years, I have been Serving as 1st VP of Memberships on my daughters elementary school PTA Board and Volunteering 3 days a week in all of their classrooms. I am very much a present parent but often find my self insecure in the fact that possibly the very idea of having children so young always carries a stigma....thus my obvious over acheaving.

What are some of your initial opinons or judments of a young mother and can any of your perceptions be changed?

Answer 1

I gave your question a bit of thought before I read the details.

Bad mother? Nope, that's not one of my assumptions. But I am embarassed to admit that I did think, "Bad, no, irresponsible to get pregnant more than once as a teen, yes. What, didn't she learn her lesson the first time and get birth control figured out?" Apparently I was dead wrong.

It sounds to me like you're doing a fine job, and are much more capable and responsible than I was at your age.

What can be done to change society's impressions? Sadly, not much. The media focusses on the negatives, and we hear so much more about the type of women I assumed you were. Society's opinions are unfortunately based on the negatives - it's the same mindset that makes older people think all teenagers are drunk druggies set out for violence and gang behaviour.

For one, I am sorry to have judged you negatively. Obviously my prejudices are pretty strongly set, since it was obvious that you were going to include details as to your situation and why you're not a bad mother.

Editing to add, bigtime kudos to you for getting a college education despite having kids! That must have been hard.

Answer 2

I don't automatically think that being young when you have your children makes you a bad parent, because in my area the majority of parents are in their late teens and early 20's (including me). I'm 21 and I have 2 kids, granted I was 18 and legally an adult when I had my daughter, but I was still young and I get compliments from everyone (including strangers we meet in the grocery store) on what a great mom I am to both my kids.

My sister on the other hand is the exact opposite, she's 24 and her kids are 10, 7, and 4. She's had such a hard time trying to raise her kids that she sent her oldest to live with our parents almost 4 years ago and is just now interested in getting her back. The other 2 she left my fiance and I to take care of. Just within the past year has she finally decided that she needs to take responsibility for her own children and now has a steady job and apartment, in hopes that she might get them back full time. She still goes out on weekends, but is home by midnight instead of disappearing for the whole night. So, in a sense, she is a bad mother, but is making strides to better herself and I am extremely proud of her.


From what you've said, I believe you are an incredible parent to your children and I applaud you. More parents (no matter how old they are) should take a page from your book.

Yours truly, Kat.

Answer 3

It isn't when you had your kids that matters. It's whether you step up and become a great parent. You can do that at any age. What's important is you do it.

It's also true that by having a child at age 16, you're not going to have the experience of being a young, single adult... club-hopping, chasing boys, moving to the city with girlfriends, all that stuff before settling down. But you'll have something they won't - an unencumbered 30s and 40s with the kids out of the house. You may find that to be waaaaaay more rewarding and interesting than club-hopping and chasing boys!

Answer 4

If you choose to identify yourself and project yourself as a young mother ("3 children by the age of 20") you really are setting yourself up for some negative feedback from people.

It doesn't even really have anything to do with you personally, but I myself instantly answered the question with a "Yes" mainly because I (and probably a great many others) would feel that it demonstrates a certain lack of self control etc etc.

I only read on because I was bored and therefore got to know you a little bit better (ok only marginally, lets face it this is the internet here). Anyway it's great that your making your life work and from reading the details section you seem to be a good parent.

The problem is that the overwhelming majority of young woman who have three kids by that age, usually aren't great mother material (and usually have a host of other issues beyond that of childrearing to go with them).

Try to be known for who you are and what you do, let others worry about what they think.

Answer 5

I don't think that age makes a different in parenting except that it makes it harder. I've known people that had kids really young that were bad mothers and I've known some that turned out to be great mothers. Age doesn't make a person a bad parent. I wouldn't recommend to anyone to get pregnant that young since you're not even an adult yet and haven't lived at all.

Answer 6

My opinion based on what you have told me is that you are a young mother of three who has been married for 10 years who is doing an incredible job with her children,providing the support they need and thrive on,which in turn is going to benefit them tremendously.Do you know how proud a child is when their mother shows up 3 days a week to help out in the classroom?Do you realize the example that you are setting for others,with your enthusiasm to be your personal best and support your children thru these incredibly important times of adolescence.Your the type of parent that makes a child proud to be who they are boosting their self-esteem and their confidence,.laying down the foundation for the years that lie ahead,in which their probability of succeeding in life and going on to college etc to further their education will be something they want to do,not something they feel they have to do,because you took the time and are taking the time to show love,support,and genuine kindness for all parents who are blessed to have you there to help their children as well.

Answer 7

first kudos to you!!!
second ....I was :
engaged at 15
married at 16
had two children by the time I was 18,i also had my own home and a dog by then...
had another child when I was 26
I'm now 46 yrs. old....
my oldest, a daughter,29, is happily married with twin 6 yr old boys and a 2 yr. old girl
my next a son, 28, is happily married with 4 step kids and two sons of his own(ages 10,8,6,2 and1) god bless him!!!!
my last a son ,20,he dropped out of school,then 2 yrs later went for his GED and passed top ten in the country.....went to Wyo-tech (car school) and is now on his own with a job( he got offered before he even graduated) he is also 12 hrs. away from where I live!!
I still am married to the same person and I am extremely proud of my children and my life!
I say yes to young marriages if it's the right time for the person

just be proud to be you and who you are....don't ever let anyone get to you by their snide comments about how young you started.....it's no body's business but your own!!!!

Answer 8

I think I would be more likely to judge you based on what you've done since you've become an adult. People will judge but that is their problem not yours. I'm 24 married 4 years with two kids but since some people think I look like a teenager they judge me and think I'm too young to be a mother. Ignore them and hold your head up high knowing that you're taking care of your children the best that you can.

Answer 9

The age you are when you have your children doesn't make you a good or bad parent. The way you mother them, raise them, and nurture them is what makes that determination.
I had 3 children by the time I was 25. Although I wasn't lucky enough to get my education until much later, I was ALWAYS a loving, knowledgeable mom. I've never made judgements on anyone based soley on their age.

Answer 10

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