Guy in hospital with 60% burns, screaming because of the pain Dr says " give him two viagras". Nurse ask " do you think that'll help him?" Dr replies " no! but it'll keep the sheets off his legs!"
2007-03-25 08:46:23
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answer #1
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answered by ? 7
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This is pretty funny (one of my friends sent it to me):
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a ******* yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the **** were you thinking, you fat son of a *****, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole ******* year to come out with some **** like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little ****** across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat *** down my chimney next year. I'll **** you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the ******* North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that ******* bike. **** YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-*****.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
2007-03-25 07:08:33
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answer #2
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answered by Anonymous
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One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbour, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
2007-03-25 07:43:40
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answer #3
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answered by Cowboy 4
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A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
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A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got to the check-out, she noticed one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checkout operator got on the intercom and boomed out for all to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON CHECKOUT NUMBER 13, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS".....
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed over the intercom..."DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me
wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the
best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize
for the best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife"
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary"
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time... I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory,
and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately,
their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income.
The wife suggested that she could 'rent' herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go street corner hugging. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made. "£398.10," she said. "Who paid ten pence?" he asked. "Everybody."
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{Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."{
{Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.}
{Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."}
{Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.}
{Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower}
{Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.}
{Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck}
{Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.}
{Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras}
{Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her}
{Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her}.
2007-03-25 07:08:04
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answer #4
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answered by Anonymous
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An elderly lady living in a care home is visited by her family to celebrate her 95th birthday. All her family are fussing around her when suddenly she falls slightly to the left and her great grandson shouts 'Quick get a pillow and prop her up.' Five minutes later she falls slightly to the right. 'Quick', shouts her great grandson, 'Get another pillow and prop her up again'. Five minutes later she start to fall forward. Her great grandson steps forward and puts his hand out to stop her. ' Are you o.k. Mrs. Watson?' says the duty nurse. 'No says the 95 year old lady, they won't let me fart!
2007-03-25 07:13:17
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answer #5
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answered by Bonzo 3
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In a quaint little town a sad old man is waisting away sitting at the bar. He turns and talks to the man next to him and says as he holds out his hands... These two hands... with these two hands I built the best bridge for this town, but do they call me Mctavish the bridge builder? No, and do you see that church over there. With these two hands I built that church brick for brick but do they call me McTavish the chuch builder ... no.... But you **** ONE goat....
2007-03-25 07:15:28
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answer #6
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answered by Saint Lucipher 3
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What's a slack joke?
2007-03-25 07:08:20
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answer #7
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answered by Sami Jo 2
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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra..." which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
2007-03-25 09:31:02
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answer #8
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answered by Katie S 3
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A farmer had 12 sheep.
All but 9 died....how many were left???????
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> 9! duh, it sound stupid when you type it, but you will be suprized how many people will say 3 if you tell the joke outloud!!!!
2007-03-25 07:09:41
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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yes whats your email address
2007-03-25 07:07:29
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answer #10
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answered by corki l 1
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