What should an officiate at a wedding be prepared to say and do at a wedding?

Question

I'm supposed to officiate at a web wedding (joining woman and blog together in an unholy internets bond), and I don't know what I should be saying or doing. What are the moves, what are the words, someone help!!!

Answer 1

Start out with:

In the Name of Bill Gates, Microsoft, and the Holy PC.

Nearly beloved, we are gathered here today to unite this woman and blog in the unholy bondage of matrimony. Such a union is not to be entered into lightly. If anyone here knows of any just cause why these two should not be joined, keep your big mouth shut.

N (woman's name), do you take this Internet entity to be your unlawfully wedded blog, to love and cherish, in server outages and in health, until death or the domain is sold do you part?

N (blog's name), do you take this woman to be your unholy spouse, to bear with her complaining and sobbing, on her good days and when PMS is making her into Lizzie Borden's kid sister, until death or the sale of the domain do you part?

By the power invested in me by a whole lot of delusional people, I now pronounce you blog and blogger. You may now begin to fondle each other wildly.

Answer 2

Step 1: Acknowledge the joyful and solemn nature of the occasion.
Step 2: Briefly state how honored you are to preside over this unholy event.
Step 3: Secure mutual consent of the parties (ladies first)
Step 4: Slip the best man $100 for expenses.
Step 5: Pronounce this unholy rite as officially complete.

Answer 3

Dearly beloved Friends

We are virtually gathered today to join M3B and NB in a secular digital bond. This is an unprecedented occasion, a joyful event, to be taken lightly. We are not going to ask if anyone objects to this union, because quite frankly we don't care. I will now read from a book of poetry. [insert poetry reading here - maybe something from EB Browning if you can find a single poem that doesn't have God in it - I think Ali McGraw managed to do this in "Love Story"].

M3B, do you take NB to be your unlawfully wedded blogband, to ask and answer, to message and reply, to LOL and ROFLYAO, 'til deletion do you part? [wait for reply]

and NB...do you take M3B...same thing again

[ask "May we have the rings?"]

M3B, please place the virtual ring on NB's virtual hand and say "With this ring, I digitally bond." (wait for response)

same thing again with NB

Then by the authority vested in my by the World Wide Web, I now pronounce you blogband and blogwife. You may kiss the bride.

laaaa
laaa
la la la la la
la
la la la
la laaaa

Answer 4

Distant online acquaintances, we are not really gathered here today (or tonight in some places) to wed these two screen names.