My sister said that she can not deal with our aging Mother, how do I keep from slapping my sister?

Question

My 84 year old mother is in the final stages of Alzheimers and I have opted to have her reside with me. There is just my sister, my Mother and myself, my sister resides in NC and I reside in NJ with my mother. My sister has not seen my mother in over 4 years and I have requested that she come home to see Mommy soon. My sister advised me in no uncertain terms that she can not deal with my Mother and her illness and does not plan to return to NJ to see our Mother. I am not one to hold my tongue, and I haven't, but I don't know if I can be civil when I see my sister, are these feelings unnatural?

Answer 1

Listen to the song 'Mother of mine'.
Mother of mine, you gave to me / All of my life, to do as I please / I owe everything, I have to you / Mother, sweet mother of mine.
Mother of mine, when I was young/ You showed me the way, things have to be done / Without your love, where would I be / Mother, sweet mother of mine.
Mother, you gave me happiness / Much more than words can say / I pray the Lord that He may bless you / Every night and every day.
Mother of mine, now I have grown / And can walk straight, all of my own / I'd like to give you what you gave to me / Mother, sweet mother of mine.

So my favourite quote is: Equate Mother Earth with your Mother and serve both with equal honesty.



A prayer that says
'Itnee shakti haame de na Daata,
maan ki biswas kamjor ho na'.
It means, 'Oh my lord (the Giver) give us so much of strength that our belief never gets weakened to serve you i.e. the society, family
"Your small sorrows will fly away
Chirping busily like sparrows,
You ought to use only good words
Not deadly bows and arrows.
Best way to win every heart
Share your joys to multiply
And confide to minimise sorrows."
- Subhas Chandra Kar

Answer 2

Just remain calm at all times and concentrate on your mother, she's the most important person here. Explain to your sister the situation & ask her to visit your mum before she dies otherwise she could feel guilty. Then maybe just back off your sister and let her make her own choice. At the end of the day you know tried. I must say well done after looking your mother with this illness, not many children would do that. Must be so much hard work. Maybe I could suggest a little holiday once she passes away, just don't you dont get ill :( I hope things go well for you! x

Answer 3

I'd be furious if I were you. I mean you're taking care of her, and that freakin witch can't even come home to see her?

But from an outside perspective, seeing things more calmly, you might understand that your sister might be afraid. Seeing someone when they're close to death is something certain people just cannot deal with. They can't deal with the stress and pain, and they think that avoiding it altogether and putting up a brave front will help them. I'm sure your sister is being eaten alive inside. She's probably really upset too.

If she really doesn't care though, then yeah. Slap her. Or slap her in the face by making your mother ask her to come see her.

Answer 4

Yes, your feelings are natural. But you must realize that everyone deals with this differently. In your sister's mind, because Mom isn't the person she once was, she is already gone to some degree. Women are more emotional than men, and it's obvious she just couldn't see Mom in the condition she's in right now. She just doesn't want her memories of Mom to be like this.
Just be supportive, and if your sister doesn't want to visit, just respect her decision. Don't add salt to the wounds by giving her a hard time about this. Just keep her updated on Mom's condition, and let her know you both miss her.

Answer 5

I want to say I am sorry for your Mothers Alzheimers illness. I had a brother who had this terrible deceise and can relate to your anger and pain. You have a terrible and very hard task in caring for your Mother. Your Mother is so lucky to have you. The thing with your sister is hard for you and it is also hard for your sister. Each one of us deal with illness very differently and you mother was more than lucky to have you. I know you are so angry at your sister and that is normal. You need her as much as she needs you. Your feelings are natural for being angry at your sister. Your sister feeling of fear of the hurt seeing her mother the way she is, is also real an normal. It is ok to be angry at your sister but this is the way your sister is. There will be nothing gained from your anger toward your sister in the long run. She is also hurt she can not have the guts to see her mother. This overrides the fact that you need support from her also at this very hard time in your life. I understand your feeling as my other older brother did not want to see our brother with Alzheimers before he pasted away. I was angry but it didn't do any good as losing one family member was bad enough, anger would only tear a riff wider in our family. Family is so important to have. Some family members can be strong and fight the fear of pain. It is just the way it is in each of us. Us stronger persons have to understand this and just accept the weakness of others. So it is normal to be hurt and angry with your sister. The thing to remember is you are the strong one and hope she can come and give you comfort when you really need it after your mother passes away. I really understand and share your pain. Good Luck

Answer 6

these feelings are not unnatural at all, you have shouldered sole responsibility for your mothers complete care and your sister has chosen to keep away, but what are her reasons? it takes a very special person to selflessly care endlessly for another, parent or not, perhaps she is not one of these people, i know i am very afraid around illness and distress, this could be another reason, talk to her, whatever her reasons, she will have to live with this decision for ever, you on the other hand have the knowledge you did everything you could, you wont have your mother forever, dont loose a sister as well, good luck, to all of you

Answer 7

No, the feelings you have are very normal. My mother is in a nursing home after a very severe stroke. My brother cannot deal with her condition and does not visit her much. They were very close before the stroke and it is killing him to see her that way. It doesn't hurt me as much, since I feel we are lucky she is still with us. I want to scream at him sometimes to just snap out of it. But I know he can't help it. We all deal with things in the only way we know how.

Answer 8

First of all, these feelings are natural. I had my grandmother with me all thru the disease till she died recently. as for you sis, just leave her to do whatever she wants to do, but give her the necessary info, that way she wont talk crap about you later in life.

What goes round comes around. It's a small world you know. So take care of her, I know it's hard cuz I've been there. But remember it was hard taking care of you too as a kid.

Peace!
SliQ

Answer 9

friend ..let me tell you this,, i had a sister like that,, as our mother age ,an could not do for her self,,, an me being the oldest , i stay close, an did what i could,, ny brother an sister both wanted to put her in a home,, but i fought the to the end,,,,an i not sorry for , putting my mother , in front of me, she was not a good mom, but she did have a hard life, , now hold your tounge,, your day will come,, but wait till her time has come, then open up,, for you sister will , rember every word she said when , your mom time come,,,,, for you doing whar right,, take care of her, for rember, she was their for you, an it our place, as kids to care for them, but belive me,, ,, your sister going to hurt, an i mean hurt, for the word she talking now, will come home to roost,

Answer 10

Just keep your cool , some people deal with things in different ways . When your mom is gone you sis may regret not seen mom . My mom has been gone for a long time now .