I think my husband is a narcacist?

Question

He has been uncaring self centred and thinks only of himself for years now. I have finally had enough and have tried to talk this through with him but it always ends up my fault. he has been unfaithfull on one occasion that II know about, I have forgiven him but I am still in the wrong sometimes I feel like I am going mad. He also alows his family to treat me badly and this ofcourse is also my fault as I am such a bad person. I feel like I am being mentally tortured. Please help.

Answer 1

Here's some info from a previous post I responded to about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My hope here is that it will help to validate your experience and give you insight into the dynamics that underpin narcissism, but please don't interpret this as a suggestion that understanding your husband's behavior should translate into tolerance or acceptance for his behavior. Narcissism is difficult to treat and narcissists rarely do enter or remain in treatment. Usually they can benefit from treatment if they have begun to realize, through repeated negative consequences, that their way of interacting with the world doesn't bring them happiness and they realize that they need to change themselves versus those around them. From what you posted, it doesn't appear that your husband takes any responsibility for his contribution to the problems in your relationship and until he does, treatment would be ineffective. But here's the info about what you may dealing with that I hope at least will be helpful to you in making decisions about what you need to do to take care of yourself, and your children, if you have kids.

Narcissism


Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual disorder and the dynamics stem from an underlying sense of shame- there is actually a core sense of inadequacy that narcissistic personalities feel, however they use the defenses of projection and reaction formation in order to cope with the sense of shame by blaming other people and convincing themselves that they are special.
Narcissists have generally been wounded (the term "narcissistic wounds" means injuries inflicted to someone's sense of self) early in life by being made to feel they are never good enough and constantly told they are inadequate. These experiences cause the classic "narcissistic shame" that they feel and results in "narcissistic rage" reactions whenever they feel that someone is somehow disrespecting them or that someone's behavior reflects badly on them as it triggers those old wounds. They are extremely sensitive to anything they perceive as criticism or disrespect and overreact with rages. The people in their life that they are closest to become the targets for this rage (narcissists expect everyone to make up for all the love and appreciation they never got as children) and they are made to feel that they are never good enough (narcissists project their own sense of inadequacy onto those they love in order to not feel it themselves). They make their spouses and children feel they are worthless-again projecting their own feelings onto those around them.
Another trait exhibited by narcissists is that they come across as extremely arrogant and self-righteous and seem self-confident. This is the defense mechanism called reaction formation in action. They see themselves as "special" and that only other especially talented and bright people can understand and relate to them. They constantly feel that they don't get the recognition and respect that is their due and explain it by believing that others are too stupid and ignorant to appreciate them. They are often envious of others who seem to have "more" than they have as narcissists feel they are more entitled than others. They also tend to be preoccupied with fantasies of success, recognition, fame, etc. as they need this in order to fill up the empty pit of inadequacy they feel.
Narcissists appear extraordinarily selfish. Everything that matters to them is about them. They have little capacity to appreciate the needs or feelings of others as they themselves are empty pits of need and are too preoccupied with getting their own needs fulfilled to care about the needs of others. Think of it like this- they are unable to give what they never got themselves. Other people are important to them only to the degree that the other person reflects positively on them either by conveying some status to the narcissist or by worshipping the narcissist. Again, it's all about them.
Just from a historical perspective, because it's interesting, the term narcissism comes from the greek myth of narcissus who was so self-absorbed and in love with himself that he spent hours staring at his own reflection in the pond. His arrogance offended the Gods and they turned him into the flower, the narcissus.
Probably a whole lot more than you wanted to know, but that's it in a nutshell. There are degrees of narcissism, and not all show every characteristic. In defence of narcissists, and in order to work with them in therapy, you have to continually bear in mind that their behavior (which is often obnoxious) reflects very low self-esteem and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing. It's important to bear that in mind because this is so well hidden by their defenses that it often goes unrecognized and it takes time to develop a true therapeutic alliance with them in order for them to feel safe enough to share this. It's difficult enough in therapy, but living with one is a whole other matter because a relationship needs to go both ways and you have a right to expect things a narcissist is often incapable of giving consistently.
Hope this helps explain it.

Best of luck to you in whatever decisions you make.

Answer 2

I have a lot of sympthy for you as my Dad is famous for narcissistic behaviour. It is so overwhelming and frustrating. I think it would be a good idea to have a doctor or psychiatrist evaluate him to ensure there are not mental health issues effecting this situation. My Dad has Bipolar Affective Disorder and tendencies of Borderline Personality Disorder and when these are under control, so are the narcissistic behaviours.

Here are some websites you might want to look at:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_deal_with_a_narcissist
http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/goingcrazy.html
http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/narcissism/narcissism_checklist.html
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/page53.msnw
Best of luck.... I know for a fact that with the right treatment and team of professionals, things can get better. Stay strong!

Answer 3

This is probably a true thing that is happening to you...he is probably a sick person, and the fact that you have forgiven him, shows me you are a woman of faith,...and he is a man who has a lot of satan in him...don't take that wrong, we all have satan and God in us, it is up to all of us to choose who we are going to serve...this kind of man will make you think you are going mad, and they are very good at making others think the same way....He is probably very well versed and maniacal at it, as a matter of fact....and yes, they do always blame you...this is part of how they abuse you. Stay strong in Jesus, and God, and pray for him...but don't let him take you down..you are not mad my darling,...trust me on this...this is how satan weakens you...he is the one that is mad...but getting away with it...email me if you wish

Answer 4

been there and married to someone like that. It is hard for someone to change themselves. Don't let him brain wash you, my exhusband brain washed me so bad, that i thought my family hated me because i had changed. His family hated me, i got blamed for stuff that i didn't even know about, before i met my exhusband. His whole family is weird.Sounds like your husband can't take responsibilty for his own actions, has to blame you to make himself look good. I would suggest having him go the doctors with you, or leave if your not happy.

Answer 5

Tell him that you are not his mom, and are tired of him acting as though he were your son. Tell him that it's time for him to be thinking about you--that enough years have been devoted to him. Tell him to get his family in line--that you will no longer tolerate being talked down to by anyone in his family--including him!!!!!

Answer 6

You deserve to be treated fairly with respect and too be happy. May seperating and see if he corrects his act. Not put up for less because your wont be happy.

We only live once

Answer 7

Leave him. Or at least threaten to. See if that changes his attitude. If not, maybe it is time to look elsewhere for love.

Answer 8

I think so too but,am not in a position to help.

Answer 9

Have you called him a - what is it ? - a 'narcacist', to his face ? When you talk to him, choose simpler words, like : 'bum', 'two-timer'. 'rat face'. Maybe it is a communication thing.

Answer 10

Is that a vain drug addict?