What's the funniest joke you've heard recently?

Question

.........or maybe ever

Answer 1

A blond and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blond finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

A blond, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blond."
The blond then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blond checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blond looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blond?"

I know that second one is a bit long, but it is soo funny.

Answer 2

I hope that you understand my joke right away.
Black and White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?

Answer 3

ok. I definitely could say sorry because i could not examine all of it. it really is no longer because it really is lengthy (you should verify a number of my questions) yet because I already formed an opinion of him and there is not any escaping it no count number how strong something of if replaced into. My answer is assuming that you under no circumstances were given again with him and also you're a tremendous individual who has a extreme self love/appreciate... stay faraway from him. There are themes with him deeper than you ever opt to be a component of. i am going to wager his father and mom are both divorced or one in all them is an alcoholic. i'm also going to wager that he replaced into abused as a baby, perchance no longer with assistance from his father and mom yet perchance in college. I also opt to anticipate that he broke up at the same time with his maximum present day girlfriend in a nasty way and now he's going again to you because he's regularly occurring with of that there is unfinished corporation and he's no longer satisfied except he has a woman on his arm.... seem, you suggested it so your self on your question. He made no attempt to get to entice close his youngster, he calls you names (and also you tolerated it), he claims that the starting up it replaced into no longer something yet sex then contradicts himself putting forward he "needed you to get pregnant because you've been the single"...... he's a trailer trash participant... in simple terms kick him to the size down and are available across a tremendous guy that ought to shop his d*ck in his pants and under no circumstances whore round to numerous women individuals and performance numerous youthful ones... in the advise time, do something effective for your self, you deserve it! Have your mom watch the youngster(s) and flow to the spa and get a rub down. you want to boost that vanity of yours (a twin of my spouse does) and get on board with the satisfied prepare because from the tone of this question, i imagine you've lengthy mandatory a visit from accountability and carry out a touch "me" time... strong success and shop in ideas, do not do something that you do not favor your youngster to reveal again and say "mom, why did you try this".

Answer 4

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it f*cking look like it?"

Answer 5

There was this blond, red head, and brunett. The brunett went into the woods with a gun. Minutes later she came out with a squirrl. the blond asks "How'd ya get that?" The brunett responds "I fallowed the tracks and i fallowed the tracks then i shot it."

Next, the red head went inbto the woods with a gun. minutes later she came out with a rabbit. the blond asks "How'd ya get that?" the red head replies "i fallowed the tracks and fallowed the tracks then i shot it."

Last, the blond goes into the woods with a gun. HOURS later she comes out all beaten and batter. "OMG!!! What happened to you?!?!?!" the red head and brunett asked her. "Well, you said to fallow the tracks and so, i fallowed and fallowed the tracks and a train hit me."

not so good, but o well.

Answer 6

Okay so I just read this one and I thought it was hilarious...

Little Johnny and his little brother johnny jr decide they are old enough to cuss like Dad. Mom calls them to breakfast and asks what they want to eat.
Little Johnny says "I would like some mot&^*r F***ing corn flakes. Mom loses it. Starts giving little Johnny the whipping of his life. Slap, Pop, pow...She leaves him crying on the floor and comes back to her youngest son who has been watching all this in fear.
"What do you want for breakfast?" she asks nicely
Little Johnny Jr says "Im not sure but I dont want no M**her F***K&&g cornflakes"

Answer 7

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers
the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street .
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in New Hampshire and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Answer 8

Well, this wasn't really a joke..but, I am putting this in here..cuz' it was funny to me!
there was an article in the paper..where I am from about these people having an argument..and they named the fight too!
It was"The War of the Gummi Bears!" Apparently people were so angry at one another that they were pelting each other with the Gummi bears!!!!

Oh,and another one..was I read odd news...(if you read strange news..you can find the funniest things, no kidding!LOL!) anyhow,.apparently, this person had put a reindeer for Christmas out on his front lawn..and his privates were lit up!LOL!!

oh,and okay, one last thing....an ex-boyfriend's mom passed away..and I got to keep one of her anatomically correct stuffed animals....it is a frog with a penis!

What a find! whoo hoo! LOL!

Answer 9

A husband and wife are talkin about their happiest and saddest moments. The husband says,
" I bet you cant tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time"
The wife thinks for a few moments, then says,
"your c@cks bigger than your brothers"

Answer 10

i think i saw this on Answers. it's a blonde joke - silly but it made me laugh:

two blondes are walking in the woods. they come across some tracks. one blonde thinks they're deer tracks. no no says the other blonde, those are moose tracks.

they're still arguing when the train hits them.