Why get married before having kids?

Question

i dont neccessarily agree that being married makes you a good parent... what are your views?

Answer 1

Marriage is a religious institution. If you aren't religious, what's the need for marriage? People say "well, children need two parents." I laugh at that one. I just recently got married in December. Our children were 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 at the time. Well, our family lived together the whole time, so how was it they didn't have two parents? Oh, here's another good one; "Without marriage, there is no commitment; the father could leave." I wonder if these people know what a divorce is....Anyways, I don't think it's anyone's business to judge how others live their lives.

Answer 2

Everybody has their own views on this one, and I don't think that it is neccessarily wrong to have a child out of wedlock. It happens all the time and the children have two loving parents, just the same as if they had gotten married first. The only thing that I can think of is, if the man has insurance and the woman doesn't. If they got married it would be a whole lot cheaper to have the baby.

Answer 3

Reading some of the replies to this question it seems that most people see marriage as stability for the children because apparently a marriage is hard to get out of and therefore you have to work at it (less incentive to run off). Why is this not the case with any relationship then, do most people think 'ah I'm not married so I can just leave'? With the current rate of divorce going up each year then this theory obviously isn't working.

My partner and I are not married and we are currently expecting our first child, we have however been together for 6 years and have a mortgage together, which in the UK is harder to get out of than a marriage anyway.

I really don't see the need in getting married to have a family, just so long as you know each other and can live happily with each other before you start a family that should be all that matters. The children's happiness is after all what counts and some people stay in a loveless marriage because they think it's the right thing to do but ultimately it's the children who end up suffering having to see their parents not happy and in some cases at each others throats night and day till one of them leaves anyway.

Answer 4

Eh I think it is more of a religious thing... Personally I think as long as a child has two loving parents married or not, it is perfectly fine. People say marriage is a stability, well they need to take a look at the most recent divorce rates. Now a days it is as easy to get a divorce as it is to break up. I also do not agree that being married makes you a good parent, a good parent is a good parent married or not.

Answer 5

As an observer, as one of a "strange" generation that does not go with the current status quo, I would prefer to see my parents married (they are), marriage does not mark one as a good parent because these are two separate things initially. A good parent is closely aligned to the ideal of someone who works all hours to put food on the table, who teaches his her offspring to have a good heart and be able to stand on their own two feet in society. The vows made at marriage are significant as blood relatives and those who are the most important to you are present, you've agreed that you understand the nature of a commitment to the other side and you will be tolerant and co operative with one another in trying to make a relationship and a family work and live in harmony. If people cannot control their emotions and go flying all over the place in order to get what they want then its the other side of stability, which is what the next generation deserve. Knowing self responsibility is crucial in a marriage, marriage marks the start of a new hope and a new life, it does not suffice to say that people who don't marry are 100% better parents, nor the other way around, to be frank, parenting cannot be done if the parent just cannot be bothered to pull their weight

Answer 6

I noted that someone answered "so the kids know that they were intentional" (or something like that). What child is intentional nowadays? Or ever? Hell, I was an accident. My mom and dad were honest about it. I know that I was the reason they got married. My dad even admitted that he had wanted my mom to abort me. They did what they were told was the right thing. They divorced 4 years later. Being married doesn't do anything for the children. It just makes breaking up with the partner that much harder (most states require parenting classes to get a divorce, like your bad parents for going that route). I wish I hadn't married my husband (the only good thing out of the marriage was our daughter and baby on the way). He cared nothing for me and just a little more for our daughter. He was not ready to grow up and now I have all sorts of legalities to cover before I can even file for divorce. I know lots of couples who are not married (some are not even together, really) and they put their children's needs before their own.

Answer 7

Being married definitely doesn't make you a good parent. There are plenty of married perverts. But kids need stability from a committed relationship. All that wedding cert says is you've made a vow between God & man & it will cost you in more ways than one to not take it seriously. If you're afraid your partner would just walk away when things got tough how much more so would a child feel it. I'm married & when my son was little one of his biggest fears was his daddy or I would leave whenever we got into a fight. It took time to convince him that even people in love don't always get along. But that doesn't mean it's over. If you take that vow seriously it gets you through the hard times when it would be much easier to leave than stay & work it out. That kind of committment helps the child learn to face life head on w/o fear. That no matter what happens or they do there is always a safe place. Someone who will love them. Life is hard & everyone needs that much.

Answer 8

Only those really religious people will tell you that. Although, I do have strong beliefs in God, I'm not one of those people who are perfect and "really religious". I have a 3 year old boy and honestly I and everyone in my family and all my friends think/know I'm a great mom. I'm still with the baby's dad and we live together. We don't plan on getting married any time soon even though most of my family wants me to. They still love me and my son and practically husband. In my opinion it is the most irresponsible decision to make, if you marry only cuz ur pregnant. You're supposed to get married for yourself, not for your kid. Either way, married or not, you will be the baby's mom and the boyfriend/whoever will be the dad. Your kid will grow up loving you both and really, seriously, think about it, why in the HeLL does it matter if ur married. If ur worried about what God thinks, it will be OK. Ask for forgiveness and ur sure as heck not gonna go to hell for having a kid. Everything happens for a reason in the first place.

Answer 9

Marriage doesn't automatically make you an ideal pair of parents that's true enough.

I guess that in previous generations the idea of sex before marriage was, in itself, a no go area morality wise and hence a watered down version of this is still seen by many as applicable today.

A higher percentage of families now a days are more complicated than ever they were in years gone by, with step-parents and ex-partners and 'half siblings' thrown into the equation but at the end of the day if a child feels secure and is loved and nurtured the marital status of it's parents really doesn't come into it one way or another.

Answer 10

i think the whole idea is that being married makes you a more secure family but i dont agree with this. i mean whether ur married or not the parents could still have arguments or even split up. and a single parent could be just as good or better a parent as a couple.

Answer 11

Hey Purplegal,

It doesn't make you any better of a parent if you have kids first. It's better if you get married first though or make sure you're with the one you love. If you have kids before you get married it may seem wierd to your kids. What if he's not the one you love. But you are 100% correct. You dont need to be married first.

It also depends on if you ever get married to him. See he could propose to you. Or he couldn't. He might just want you and then never marry you. I would still deffinately be married first. If he's cheating wouldn't you rather know while you two are still dating? If he is cheating and you found out while you were married it would feel wierd to me. Not so sure about you but yes about me.

Another thing is...you might want to wait. See it depends on how old you are. If you are under 18 please wait. You never have sex if you are under 18. Only if you're older. Thats another thing because if you are married you are officially an adult no matter how old you are...But also you have to be 17 to get married within the united states. So the government is counting on you to take the responsibilities in a good way. If you just want to have sex with him then use a condom. If it makes you more comfortable to wait until after being married then use condoms. Unless you are under 18. Please remember.

Thank you and I hope your question was answered thouroghly.