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They are not speaking to eachother, and I am in the middle of it. She is 75 years old, and my mother just told her a week ago that she does not want to have any more contact with her. She lives in a nursing home, and does not have any contact with the oustide world besides her church. Her husband of fifty years died a couple years ago, and it's been really hard on her. My mother has decided to not talk to her anymore because of things that happened in her childhood. When my mother was 6 or 7, she was molested by her older adopted brother (My grandmother didn't know about this) My mother also said she was physically abused by my grandmother when she was younger. I believe that she should forgive my grandmother, because it is near the end of her life. No one should be left alone in their last years. When I say this to my mom, she gets really defensive. I am afraid she will regret this one day when my grandma is gone.

2007-03-17 16:06:43 · 6 answers · asked by Sabrina H 1 in Family & Relationships Family

My mother had brain surgery on her left temporal lobe one year, three months ago to remove a tumor that was causing epilepsy. Could these recent actions somehow be related to her surgery?

2007-03-17 16:14:33 · update #1

They would talk on the phone every weekend when I was younger, and we would go to visit about once every couple months. My grandparents lived in San Antonio, and we lived in Houston when I was growing up. I live in Kansas City now with my own family, so my mother is the closest relative to my grandmother. Her son died five years ago of lung cancer, so my grandmother really has no one close by now to visit. My mother signed over my grandmother's care to my grandmother's church, and I think she is very serious about not wanting any contact with her. I don't think they will work it out themselves, and my grandmother calls me crying a lot. I feel horrible, and I really want them to start over new. My mother won't even take her calls, and I just don't know what to do.

2007-03-17 16:20:48 · update #2

6 answers

Your mother is a grown woman, so you can't force her to do anything.

But you can lead by example. Continue to visit with and have contact with your grandmother, but don't point it out everytime you do to your mother.

Be a good daughter and a good grandaughter.

Hopefully, your mother will come around before it's too late.

2007-03-17 16:12:13 · answer #1 · answered by Raising6Ducklings! 6 · 0 0

It is so hard when two family members are in a feud. I went through this with my family also. I don't know if there is much you can do because one of the two of THEM needs to WANT the relationship back, and it doesn't appear that way at all. Have you suggested that your mother seek counseling, not necessarily to forgive her mother, but just to sort through all the unresolved issues in her life? I think that's the real story here. It sounds like neither one of them wants to see the other person's point of view.

I would stop suggesting that your mother include her mother in her life, but rather lead by example. When you go to visit Grandma, only say nice things about your mom, and vice versa about Grandma to your mother. If you continue bringing it up, you are just stoking the fire. I think you need to let things cool down, give them both some thinking time.

I would also suggest that you yourself see a counselor, as really this is affecting you and has become your problem as well. I don't know how old you are, but a school counselor could help, or even your pastor, if you don't have money for a professional counselor. DO THIS! Even if you can't fix their situation, you need to be able to live with it.

Finally, I am sure that your mother and grandmother have no clue as to how much this is affecting you. I am sure this is a "me, me, me" issue. They probably both think they are right.
Well, they need to see the consequence of their actions on you - let them know how much it hurts you, cry in front of them if you feel so inclined - they need a wake up call. If they can't make up for themselves, maybe they'll do it because they love you.

2007-03-17 16:26:30 · answer #2 · answered by LISELDA 2 · 0 0

I'm not sure what you can really do. If you have already tried to talk to your mom, that is it. I think you should be by your grandmother's side, if you want to. Your mom will regret this, and I have a feeling that she already knows that she will. Almost 2 months ago, my grandpa passed away. He was moved to a Hospice Center for his last 2 days. His son had not seen him in more than 10 years. We did everything we could to get him to come over. We called to let him know how his parents were doing, but he never called back. My grandpa had his PAST demons, as everyone does. My uncle couldn't let that pass. My mom sat by her dad's side, even though everything he did in her brothers past, happened in her past. But he was her dad. Nothing is bigger than a parent and a child. My grandpa, we believe held on as long as he could, and we truly believed that he was waiting to see his son, but he finally gave up. I did everything I could to include this uncle of mine in all the funeral plans. He was the pallbearer, but he didn't sit with us. You can only do so much. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Just keep trying to talk to your mom. Don't make her feel bad, but does she have any past demons that have affected you? You might let her know that, but that you still love her, because she is your mom. I wish you the best of luck. This is a hard time, and it makes it worse when the "child" has to act like the grown up. I can't say it will get better or it will get worse. Just do what you feel is right. I would be there for your grandmother while you can. Good luck to you.

2007-03-17 16:21:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Well, sometimes its hard to forgive and forget things from the past. My question to you is.."What did she decide just a couple of weeks ago not to talk to her anymore?" Did they have a disagreement?

As much as you'd like to, you can't force your mother to forgive her mother, or forget the past conflicts, but its just silly for her to be that old now, and her wanting to reap things from the past that hurt. They can't be changed now, its over, its a done deal. And your right, she will regret it later on.....

Sometimes people have strange ways of handling hardships in life, and maybe your mother isn't wanting to face the fact that her mother is getting old, and will die one day. Maybe she feels that if she cuts her off now, it won't hurt her as bad, especially if there is no "I'm sorry's" exchanged. But she's wrong....

I think the best thing you can do, is be there for your Grandmother, and just leave your mother alone about it. She's the one that will have to answer for her treatment of her mother, just as your grandmother will have to answer for what happened to her daughter, if she had any faults in it. Maybe if she see's you visiting, and ask questions about it, maybe you can influence her into going back to visit and make things right with her.

Good luck.......Stephanie

2007-03-17 16:17:19 · answer #4 · answered by Stephanie 3 · 0 0

You have no control over the behavior of your mother or the life that she lived. Same goes for your G'ma. If your Gma needs company...you should go to her. The decisions your mother makes need to be her own. You can point out to her what you think, but it is her decision. Let her decide. You can make suggestions in words and by spending time with your Gma, but she gets to pick. She is an adult. This relationship has grown over more years than you have been on this earth and if neither party is willing to improve it, they won't. Love them both, encourage them both.

2007-03-17 16:18:28 · answer #5 · answered by Cadman1965 3 · 0 0

She will regret it after she's gone. You don't say if she had a relationship with her before she went in the nursing home.
She could just be making excuses to stay away from her thinking it will hurt less when she dies if she's not close to her.

2007-03-17 16:11:36 · answer #6 · answered by Michelle *The Truth Hurts 6 · 0 0

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