Ways to get my daughter to follow simple instructions?

Question

Today for instance, I have asked my 8 y.o. daughter to do various tasks and not a one has been completed without her being told at least 4 times. I should mention that she is my step-child that stays with us 3 1/2 days a week. I know it's hard on her to live in 2 households, ours being the more stable/structured of the 2. I am the only one (out of 4 adults in her life) who is willing to accept the fact that she may be ADD/ADHD. Recently I started her with an after school tutor who comes to her school. The tutor has come to the same conclusions (she doesn't listen, doesn't follow instructions, fails to follow through with projects) that her mind is somewhere else not like a typical 8 y.o.! I don't want to be so harsh on her at such a young age, but, I also know that if I don't step in now, it may be useless to enforce later. Needless to say I don't want her to become a pregnant teen simply because she wouldn't listen, extreme example I know, but it happens everyday.
Any help?

Answer 1

Make sure that you are keeping the instructions very simple and straight forward. Think of it as if you are giving commands to a dog -- short, sweet and to the point. Yes, really!

Break down every task into steps. Give the instruction for that one step, wait until the step is completed, and then move onto the next step.

For example: Instead of the command, "Clean your room." It should go something like this ...

Pick up the books.
Put the books on the bookcase.
Wait until the books are on the bookcase.

Pick up your dolls.
Put the dolls in the toy box (or where ever you want them).
Wait until the dolls are put away.

Pick up your dirty laundry.
Put it in the basket/hamper.
Wait until the clothes are in the basket/hamper.

And so on. It may be that she doesn't know what you expect, and isn't doing anything because she's confused. Or it may be that she has ADD/ADHD and she doesn't have the attention span to follow through with complex commands like "Clean your room." Breaking it down into smaller steps makes it easier for her to complete the entire task without becoming overwhelmed in the details of the big job.

Check-lists also help. Make a chart for everything you want her to accomplish with spaces she can check-off or put a sticker on when she's done with that part of the chore. When my step-daughter that has severe ADD/ADHD along with a slew of other emotional/behavioral issues first came to live with us, we used check-off charts for literally EVERYTHING.

This was one that we used in the beginning...
Get up.
Get dressed.
Brush teeth.
Brush hair.
Take medicines.
Put on socks. (Yes, she'd forget socks!)
Put on shoes.
Get backpack.
Put school books & homework into backpack.
Put on coat.
Leave for school bus.
***School day***
Get home from school.
Take medicines.
Do homework.
Do reading homework. (That was especially hard for her, and still is because it's a self-motivated activity.)
Put on play clothes.
Put school clothes in basket.
***Play-time w/friends***
Eat supper.
Brush teeth.
Take shower.
Wash hair.
Wash body.
Put on pajamas.
Take medicines.
Do reading homework. (Yes, we'd have her re-read it so maybe it would stick for the tests at school)
Go to bed.

I know it sounds terribly rigid, but it helps. After a few days/weeks/months (depending on how fast she picks up the steps and can repeat them without double-checking the list), you can lose the lists and she'll be able to function without the constant step-by-step reminders of what she needs to do to get through each task in her day. Praise her good days, help her with her bad days, and it will get better.

Answer 2

First, be careful labeling the child as ADD/HD. That is something only determined by a team of professionals versed in a 700 point diagnostic of the child plus statement from teachers and family.

Second, her symptoms may be other things such as; food allergies, medical problems, learning disability (often the problem), all of which need to be investigated. My guess, start with the learning disability first.

Third, find out why she is not doing what you ask. Give her one thing and then stand there. See what she does. Then, once that is completed, give her the second thing. I know this will take up some of your time (or it should be her father's time if this is his biological daughter). Are the tasks you give her age appropriate? Do you ask giving simple directions? Or yell?

Fourth, is she getting the attention she needs? Maybe this is her way of crying out for something. Ask her what is wrong that she cannot complete the tasks. Be calm, kind and sincere.

Not listening does not have anything to do with pregnancy. It has to do with parents not teaching self-respect, morals and values. Also, children are sponges, they live what they learn from their parents. If a parent has no morals and does not take parenting seriously, then the child is going to head down a bad path. Another reason is men are not good fathers, they need to value their daughters and show positive attention so the girls know they are loved and have a positive male role model.

Answer 3

Be positive use a reward system. If your truly worried about her having ADD/ADHD talk to her tutor and the teacher. If the teacher has noticed the same behavior she can asked that your stepdaughter be tested for it, usually the test is done at school, by a counselor or other education specialist, oftentimes htey don't tell the child what the test is for. I believe they ask the parents permission to do hte test, but if the school is concerned as well then maybe it will help the other adults realize there is an actual problem.

If she has it, they can work with her and a doctor and the child usually improves drastically. It's one of the best things you can do for a child.

If she doesn't maybe talking to the school counselor, or joining a group can help. The schools have trained professionals to help deal with difficult family situations!

Answer 4

that is not necessarily ADHD... some kids are easily distracted. With my 7 year old I started out by saying something ONE time. If she didn't do it immediately (within reason to if she is busy at that moment), then i would count. You have a one. She would get upset.. 'why do I have a one, I didn't hear you say anything'. I told her that she better not tune me out and now she had a 2 for aruging. I totally clamped down. She now is excellent at listening. I say things once.

Another good one is to set an egg timer. I say (and makes sure she hears)... that if the job is not done by the time the timer rings (usually 5-15 mintues.... but make it less if her attention span is shorter), then you will have a punishment set out.

If you demand that the kids listen on the 7'th time.. you will be telling them 7 times. If you demand that they must listen the first time... you will never have to say it more then once.

Also, if she is inbetween homes... she need a dependable routine, so when she comes to your house she knows what is expected from her and what to expect from you.

I find that having kids that listen really good gives us way more fun time for games, walks, the park and stuff like that

Answer 5

I think adhd is overly diagnosed today. The fact may be that she just doesn't want to listen. Personally if I was in your predicament and thought that she was hyperactive for her age I would get her tested. She might be having issues with the living arrangements with her father and mother, I don't know if she has dealt with those issues the way that she should. I say get her a psych consult and give her reasons to complete the tasks small rewards like making up her bed is part of her job at the end of the week she gets her salary etc. You might just have to do things out of the box with her. For instance ask her to help you with things instead of her doing it by herself.

Answer 6

Well I dont know about ADD but we have the same trouble with an 8 year old at our house. Have to repeat everything 2 or 3 times and then maybe she will do as asked. We have started to use the hand on the should method. We walk over and put our hand on her shoulder and look her in the eyes and tell her what we want her to do. It irritates her so maybe she will straighten up to avoid it. But it does seem to be working. Then you know she heard you and have to take action if she doesnt follow thru. We use losss of telephone, computer or tv.

Answer 7

I have a 9 yo who has the same trouble evey now and then with tasks. I find that if I give her too much to do then I spend most of the day repeating myself about getting it done.

Have a chore board with stickers that lead up to a reward at the end of the week. Play with her like its a game. It works, and in the end the dishes are put away, her room is clean and my daughter gets a prize at the end of the week.
Sometimes I have to sit in the room with her while she cleans, I hate it, but I consulted my mother and she said she had to do the same thing with us. (i'm 31) I still consult my mom on many things. Try it!! Good Luck!!

Answer 8

Turn over responsibility for some things to her to show her you believe she can do it (getting her laundry done etc) and play listening games. Record silly instructions to take her through a treasure hunt around the house. The first few time, let her play them only three times. After she gets the hang of it, then she can only play each instruction twice at the beginning of each step. Eventually getting her to play the entire set of instructions once at the very beginning and seeing them through until the end. This will help her train her mind to do it. You can email me for more ideas if you want, I worked with kids with disabilities for years.

Answer 9

Make a chart of What she needs to do on the days she is with you and if she does everything for three days take her out to do something special on that half a day ORRRRR safe up from a group of visits (4 -5 visits) And take one full day to take her somewhere REALY special (ps put little stickers next to things she has done so she can see what she acomplished!)

Answer 10

I think you need to get her to tell you what's going on - what's on her mind when she's supposed to be listening. If she doesn't quite see you as a mother then approach her as a friend. The point is to make it a heart-to-heart that's clearly all about helping her both practically & emotionally. Maybe it's ADD/ADHD, or maybe she's preoccupied with her feelings about her family's situation. Or maybe it's something else. Get help from a professional if you need to.