our 4 year old wont listen?

Question

My boyfriend of almost a year has a 4 year old little girl. ive been living with them for almost 6 months now. her mother sees her on the weekends. the little girl does not listen. she is very defiant. ive tried getting down on her level and talking to her, asking HER what the punishment will be if she doesnt listen. its only worked once. so we have tried taking things away. tried time out, and nothing seems to work. she just says no, or doesnt care that we take her tv away, or toys, or priviliges away. we dont believe in spankings, what can we do!?

Answer 1

The now 4 year old in our house was being very defiant and nasty about 6 months ago. Timeouts were not working, so I made a punishment chart, complete with pictures, for him. I took into consideration that it was summer and he loved playing outside & being in his pool. I also thought about what his favorite toys & activities were.

I laid it all our on a grid for him with 3 different consequences for each bad behavior. Explaining, if you do this , you lose A. If you do it a second time, you then also lose B. And a 3rd time will also cost you C.

He said he understood it, so with the first bad behavior, I reminded him about the chart on the refridgerator. It didn't matter, and so he lost thing A & B right away. It was tough for a week. But by the beginning of the second week, I could usually just say, "Am I going to have to go look at the chart." And he would stop whatever it was. Not perfect but way much better.

Six months later, the chart is down, but remains in a drawer. I very rarely have to pull it out now.

Generally the trick is establish a plan & stick with it no matter what. If the punishment is 4 minutes in time out, then you don't give in after 2. If it is to lose a toy, the toy stays away for as long as the punishment was supposed to last. If there is no consistantcy, there are no rules that count.

good luck!

Answer 2

Start believeing in spankings. I am a true believer, so is my son, who wouldn't dare act up like that. Don't listen to those jackasses that say "it is teaching them violence"..it is teaching them that if they act up they are going to be punished swiftly with a little bit of pain as a reminder to NOT act like that.

Take all the toys out of her room and put them into storage. While she is asking where her toys are at, tell her that she will get them back when she decides, and shows, that she can behave.

Don't "get down on her level"...you don't belong there!!! You are the parent, she is the child. Remind her that you control her universe. Wait until the cognitive thinking skills are developed to "get on her level." Until then, you are talking to a child that doesn't think the same way adults do, and that is wasted time.

Make her sit down and do nothing while she dosen't have the toys/stuff/priviliges. A day of that should be enough to drive everyone nuts, but you are the parent and parenthood comes with some serious work.

If that doesn't work, it is time to get professional help.

Answer 3

Set out very clear consequences for her misbehaving and FOLLOW THROUGH every time. It will take patience. Explain to her that she was aware of what would happen if she did (whatever it was) and now she will have to pay the consequences. After the punishment remind her that if she misbehaves again that she will again have to suffer the punishment. At 4 years old she is very well able to understand this. Consistency will be the key. If you let off even once, she will see that you are not firm on the subject and she will test you time and time again to see just what she can get away with.

Answer 4

Be consistent with her punishment. If you tell her that she will not be able to watch TV or play with a certain toy STICK WITH IT. Don't give in. Also praise her when she is good. Make a chart of how well she is for the day Blue- good, Red -bad or smiley faces and frowns and when she gets say ten smiley faces she get to go to the park or her favorite restaurant. Make her do chores around the house- picking up her toys, putting her clothes in the dirt, helping you wash the dishes or other things she can help you with.
Have a structured day with learning, coloring, going for a walk. Keep a tight schedule with her busy all day. That should keep her out of trouble.
Have fun with her!!!

Answer 5

First of all you have to find out why is she like this. You may have to work hard and making her understand that you care about her as well as your boy friend.
You have to let her do few chores around house what a little girl can do and praise her for putting her effort in it.
Take her out to pamper her.
Second if she does mistake then again you have to draw a line and try to displine her but not by physical punishment but by doing time out or ground her from best thing she likes to do and mean it donot give her time out for 6 hours and change your mind after 2 and let her do things. If you do say something your boy friend also have to uniformed with decision and have one voice.
With combination of love, rewards and displine she will know her spot and that way her behaviour will improve.

Answer 6

Though some parents find it very difficult to do, start ignoring her. When she asks you or her father to do something, act like you don't hear her (unless its some kind of major life threatening situation). Walk away from where she is. She may end up getting mad and try harder get your attention, but stay firm. When she opens her mouth to say something, say "no". You're simulating her behavior, and in turn, she'll start to feel similar to the way you feel when she does this to you. After a while, get down to her level and say "Did you like when I didn't listen to you? Did you like when I kept saying no when you asked for help?" When she does listen, praise her. "I'm so glad you listened!" "Good job following directions!" See if this works.
This happened with my middle son and he too acted like he didn't care when we took stuff away, when he actually did. Little kids are smarter than you think and they know that if they act like they don't care, it'll only make you more angry. We did the ignoring thing above with Steven and continued to take things away as well. Don't give them back and STAY FIRM! That's the biggest piece of advice anyone can give you. Don't give in. We unplugged TVs, took away toys, to the point where there was nothing for him to do but sit there. They'll get the message sooner or later.
Good Luck!

Answer 7

Mom (biological mom) and Dad need to step up to the plate. It's not your job to raise her. Step back for a while and let your boyfriend be a dad without your "help" and don't let him pass the responsibility on to you. If it ends up that you are around for a long time (say, the rest of her life) THEN think of yourself as her parent. Until then, give her the gift of being one more loving person in her life. BTW 4 year olds don't listen. It won't get better until she's 30.

Answer 8

At this age they have very short attention span, so you have to deal with it.

she will grow out of it, taking away privilege is the only thing that you can do. Time out and make them stand in the corner, may work also. You are doing all that so......

Answer 9

It's not "your 4 year old" first of all, and why is her father letting you discipline her? Are you Engaged? Plan on Marrying? Who are you to decide about her behavior? Your not her mother, your just her fathers girlfriend. Wow, I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. He has to put his foot down with her, and you shouldn't be getting down to her level.

Answer 10

Your boyfriend needs to reinforce that when she comes to your house, she must listen to you, just as much as she listens to her father. She is rebelling against you. Tell her you will never try and take the place of her mother, but you are there to be with her father. Set rules, and tell her she must follow them, or there will be consequences.