what would you do? help needed..?

Question

how should i say it.. ok so...
sorry this might be long but please do read it

what would you do if you were living abroad (Wales, Uk) and you are from somewhere like India.

you are about 14, have had your first kiss (parents dont know, if they did they would kill you) your parents dont approve of their little girl dating guys. not even kissing. and they wont ever let you until you get married. also they are totally against inter-racial, but its not like you have choice because u are indian but everyone else is welsh/english. and sex before marriage is a big NO... not even if it is protected sex and you are old enough like maybe 20-25, and when you do get married it will be arranged marriage?

i cant help fancying people... and what would you do if the guy you had a crush on for a while asked you out? knowing that parents can find out because of brother an if they do you would all probably go back to india. and mum has high blood pressure so its hard!

what would you do?

please dont stereotype after reading this.. dont think that all indian parents are like this. and only answer if you can be helpful

THANKS

by the way... dont get me wrong, my parents are lovely! they want the best for me and all but if i ever mention anything like this they tell me that i should know i am different to my friends and its our culture and all...

so i just dont know what to do

Answer 1

Keep away from the boys until you are older.

Answer 2

Hi, I am also from a very orthodox traditional indian family and I can tell you that things are not always easy. I was never let to travel in a bus alone, I always had a member of my family dropping and leaving me to school,tutitions... I was not allowed to go to any friend's birthday parties. There was a time I was a rebel. When I started to go to university and had male friends, my mother was not too happy with this, neither my dad. But I had to tell them that we were just friends,nothing more. You need to win the trust of your parents which I gradually did with time. And I can tell you that now,my parents are less severe with me: I can travel by bus,go out with friends and so on. Infact I always thought that I will have an arranged marriage but I was stunned when my mum told me that if ever I am interested in someone I may tell her. Before, thinking about this was out of question. I think you should realise something is that your parents they come from another generation and it will take time to adapt. But you as a duaghter you also have a responsibility towarrds your family and it is to preserve their reputation. I am sure that you are conscious that for indian families their reputation is everything and right now it is in your hands. Do whatever you want but always keep this is mind. Your parents want your welfare. And believe me once you win their trust (you should show yourself capable of this) the relationship between you and your parents won't be an imposing one but there will be mutual understanding. Hope my reply helps you

Answer 3

Your parents have expectations of you because of their culture and the way that they were brought up. They don't impose these rules just to make life hard for you, they are truly trying to provide a good life for you. Cultural differences aside, not many lasting and fulfilling relationships started at 14 - your parent's could be very angry and hurt to find out that you were becoming 'sexually' active so young, I'm not sure you want to damage your relationship with your parent's for a short term relationship right now.
I'm not Indian, but I was not allowed to go out with friends or chaperoned until I was 17- 18. I was not allowed to be alone with boys until my parents had met my 'boyfriend' and his parents and we were not really 'alone' until I was almost 20. Although girls at school had boyfriends and had lost their virginity way before me, I didn't feel like I'd missed out. I knew my parent's guidelines were for the best. It was hard - but they were right. When you are older, married with your own children, you will feel proud that you kept yourself for your husband. And you will always know that your parents are proud of you.
Hang on in there - try to find an Indian/Sikh/Hindu/interest type chatroom on the net - maybe that way you could find other girls that can support you.

Good luck.

Answer 4

HI
What a coincidence
I am an indian who is just turned 15 and has immigrated to canada
I know exactly what you mean. I hate dissapointing my parents. I had a crush on a lot of guys but didn't know what to do. I dont exactly know what situation you are in. i mean I liked some guys but I got nervous and couldnt even become friends with them. They always made fun of me becos I was a virgin and never kissed a guy. If you have a guy friend then that should be easy for you. YOu first introduce him to your parents as just a friend...and then when they are totally comfortable with that...just say you would like to go out with him. I dont think they need to know exactly what you did or whether you kissed...as long as you remained a virgin
I hope this helps...

Answer 5

you are very sweet.i feel sorry for you.i've been 14 as well now i'm double your age.when you are 14 your parents do not let you do anything if you are indian or from anywhere else.i couldn't go out at all and i' m european.i appreciate that though even if it made me suffer a lot seeing my girl friends hanging out with guys with no problems.your parents are trying to protect you as people of this society do not have any respect anymore.have your little moments with guys whn you can

Answer 6

my old best Friend from school is Muslim and is now happy in an arranged marriage with 2 children. but in her teenage years had plenty of boyfriends she just didn't tell her family, she hated the idea of being forced to marry when she was growing up and ran away several times and rebelled. but in the end it was her culture and she agreed when she was 18. that was 6 years ago and she has a good life. of cause your going to fancy boys and your I'm sure your parents understand that, I'm guessing their marriage was arranged too so they should know exactly what your going through as they probably felt the same way at some point. i hope everything works out for you.

Answer 7

okay. you have a really tough decision to make.
and one of two things it at stake:
1) your parents trust in you
2) your teenage years.

it sounds like you understand where your parents are coming from and you are not holding anything against them, which is good. but you are also aware that the feelings you have cannot be controlled simply because you are a teenager and you should be enjoying it.

if i were you, (which, no offense, but i would have totally like lashed out at my parents already, but don't thats bad) i would make a list of pros and cons of two choices.

you can sit your parents down and explain to them, calmly and rationally, that they have taken you out of the indian lifestyle where it is common knowledge that there should be now kissing, boyfriends etc.. by doing that they have put you into a society where these things are socially acceptable. if they wanted you to stay 'traditionally indian' why did they take your entire family out of india? they should understand that you are growing up differently than them and socializing is important to you. ask them to let you lose a bit. i mean, dont say 'mom and dad i want to have sex with boys and kiss them' no, just tell them you will be responisble and all you want is to get a chance to meet people in order to experience life a bit before you get married. and make it clear that you are willing to accept whatever decision they make. (if you give an ultimatum, like let me or i'll do it anyway! they'll probably just send you back to india)

OR

you can do it behind their back. and this is terrible advice i'm sorry but like, sometimes, it is the only option parents leave their kids. but you have to understand that if you decide to date and kiss behind their backs, you are risking a lot. so ask yourself if it is worth it. and be very very very careful. ask your friends to watch your back. dont lie too often. but beware of the guilt...


either way, you are in a very sticky situation and whatever you do you should be very safe and remember that your parents really do only want the best for you because after all, they are parents. just hang in there and try and put yourself on the outside looking in. you know about your situation a lot more than i do. so it's best to kind of emotionally put yourself out of it. okay sorry it's long :s hope i helped!

Answer 8

honey you need to just have fun and don't worry about a sexual relationship right now.your hormones are raging and thats normal.stay with your culture and the way your parents are bringing you up for the time being.you will be thankfull you did.then when you become of age you can make the decision for yourself.life is not allways roses and remember we make our life what it is so enjoy your childhood to the fullest and believe me it goes by fast.you have plenty of time for the boys and romance later.just be who you are and remember allways be happy and true to yourself. good luck

Answer 9

it sounds lke you love your parents a heck of a lot and you wouldnt want to hurt them.

your family take their beliefs very seriously and good for them, if its what makes them happy.

try talking to your mum and telling her that you feel liek you are missing out a bit, tell her that you want to hang out with friends who are boys as well as hanging out with girls and see how she takes it, she should be understanding about that.

when you get a little older, old enough to go away to university do that rather than studying near home and that way you can date boys and stuff without hurting your parents, this way everyone is happy.

i know its a little underhanded but really its the easiest way to ensure that you get to experiment a little and your parents dont get upset in the process.

Answer 10

Sorry but you need another 10 years of growing up to make a decision about your future when it comes to choosing a man. At 14, it's not something you need to even think about.
You can help fancying people if you don't sneak behind your parents' backs and involve yourself with boys. Don't disrespect yourself or your parents by becoming a girl who lies about messing around with boys and sneaks around-- you're better than that. Behave yourself, focus on your schooling and make something out of your life- make your family proud.

Answer 11

It will be difficult for you but you need to bide your time.

Be patient. Do well at school. Do not agree to an arranged marriage - they can't force you! Go AWAY to university. This going away will help you to break the traditional ties and, hopefully, give you time to establish yourself.

I wish you all the very best.