What is the funniest joke you've got?

Question

feel free to submit as long as its funny

Answer 1

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ******’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ******’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ******’ French toast."

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."



A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

Answer 2

Okay this is pretty funny

3 men got lost and found themselves on an island. The natives of the island found them and threatened to kill them. The cheif came up with an alternative. He said to all 3 men "go get me 10 fruits that are all the same fruits."

Easy enough they went and got fruit. The first man came back with 10 apples. The cheif said to the man "now you have to take your fruit and shove them into your buttocks. You must do this without making a sound or making facial expressions. If you make a facial expression i will kill you."

The man agreed and started shoving the apples into his butt. By the fourth apple the man screamed "HOLY CRAP" and was decapitated.

The second man came back with blueberries. Same deal for him and he agreed. He managed to get 9 blueberries up his bottom but started hysterically laughing. He was then killed.

The first two men met in heaven and the first man said to the second "you were doing so good, why did u start laughing? You could have lived."

The second man replied "i saw the third man carrying pineapples."

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA

Answer 3

yo mama's so stupid that as quickly as you have been born she regarded at your umbilical cord and stated, "it comprise cable too!" yo mama's so stupid that as quickly as I informed her drinks have been on the abode she went and have been given a ladder. the place IS GOD? a pair had 2 little boys, a while 8 and 10, who have been excessively mischievous. They have been continuously entering into hassle and their mum and dad knew that, if any mischief befell of their city, their sons have been in all probability in touch. They boys' mom heard that a priest on the city have been efficient in disciplining infants, so she asked if he could talk along with her boys. The clergyman agreed, yet asked to be certain them in my opinion. So the mum despatched her 8-3 hundred and sixty 5 days-old first, interior the morning, with the older boy to be certain the clergyman interior the afternoon. The clergyman, a super guy with a booming voice, sat the extra youthful boy down and asked him sternly, "the place is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, yet he made no reaction, sitting there together with his mouth putting open, huge-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an incredible sterner tone, "the place is God!!?" back the boy made no attempt to respond to. So the clergyman raised his voice much extra and shook his finger interior the boy's face and bellowed, "the place IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran without delay abode and dove into his closet, slamming the door in the back of him. whilst his older brother chanced on him interior the closet, he asked, "What occurred?" the extra youthful brother, gasping for breath, spoke back, "we are in huge hassle this time, dude. God is lacking - and that they think of WE did it!"

Answer 4

One day a man died and went to Heaven. St. Peter
met him and said"I'm really sorry, but it wasn't your turn yet. I am going to grant you a wish and return you to Earth". The man said "You know, I hate flying and boats, so build me a road between California and Hawaii."
St Peter exclaimed "That is a physical imposibility, I can't do it." So the man said "OK, give me the ability to understand women." St. Peter thinks for a moment, and then says "Would you like that 2 or 4 lane?"

Answer 5

There was a new priest at a church, and he was doing confession. A man came in and says "I am sorry father for I have sinned. I let someone give me a bl0wj0b". The priest didn't know what to do so he went to the alter boy and said "What do priests normally give for a bl0wj0b?" The alter boy says "five bucks"

Answer 6

A blonde and a brunette were on opposite sides of a river. The brunette yells to the blonde " how do i get to the other side?''. So the blonde yells back " people like you really p*ss me off , you are on the other side of the river!"

Answer 7

Person A: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Person B: Repeat.
Person A: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Person B: Repeat.
Person A: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Person B: Repeat.



Yes it's old, but this joke is still alive today.

Answer 8

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

Answer 9

Your mother is so poor she can't affrod to pay attention

Answer 10

there were two muffins in an oven.
one muffin goes, "holy sh*t! we're in an oven!"
the other muffin goes, "holy sh*t! a tlaking muffin!"