my five year old son is sooo worried.....?

Question

he is terrified one day he's going to die and even when told it'll be hundreds of years away it brings floods of tears, am i wrong to tell him he won't die at all? i figured it will be ok to tell him he will never die until he is a bit older...what do you think?

Answer 1

at 5 he is too young to understand all the info, take him to his grandparents and then get them to tell him, they are very big and were big when you were little too and still alive, dont lie, but don't try to explain to much, he won't understand yet.


try the links below for a little advice

Answer 2

You need to tell your son the truth. And the truth is you cannot guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen. What you can tell your son is that you are a very smart, very careful grownup, and that you always do everything to make sure that you will be alive and with him for a long, long time and that you will help him be around for a long, long time.
Five-year-olds often have questions about death; they may have figured out that everyone dies. This thought is scary because they do not yet have a sense of time as stretching forward for years and years. One way to address this is to tell him that yes, one day you will die and so will he, because everyone does eventually. But by the time you die, he will be all grown up, perhaps with children of his own. For most young children, the time when they will be grown up (and thus, the time when you will die) seems unimaginably distant. The same applies to when he will die (when his kids are grown-ups and they have kids).
Even with this reassurance, as you are finding out, the fears can return again and again, and reassurance has to be given many times. Nights, of course, are worse, because that is when children naturally have to separate from their parents and their little brains start really thinking and imagining things that can scare them. Some young children find comfort sleeping in their parents' room temporarily.
You may be able to use non-spoken ways to give your son the comfort he needs. He might want to carry a small photograph of you with him, or keep it by his bed to remind him that you are alive and well. At bedtime, you might include a comforting poem, prayer, or song that you say together. If you do this every night, it will become part of your child's storehouse of comforting images and memories, something he can turn to when doubts and fears surface, as they are likely to do over the next many weeks and months.
Let him know that what he is feeling is natural. Here is a link to a book that you might find helpful http://www.amazon.com/Water-Bugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children/dp/0829816240/ref=pd_sim_b_4/105-0190160-3462027 and if you are religious a basic understanding about an "afterlife" might start to bring some comfort to your son.
Good luck. My daughter went through a period like this too, right after my mom killed a deer on a country road with her car. Only you know what you son is capable of understanding and able to process. Just do what you think is right!

Answer 3

hope this helps


Your child's capacity to understand death - and your approach to discussing it - will vary according to your child's age. Each child is unique, but here are some rough guidelines to keep in mind.

Until kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So it's a good idea to explain the death in terms that are basic and concrete. If the person was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If the person dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened - that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.

Kids this young often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that once a person dies, it's final and that person isn't coming back. So even after you've gone through this explanation, your child may continue to ask where the person is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this may be for you, continue to calmly reiterate, in concrete terms, that the person has died and can't come back, and that your child won't be seeing him or her again.

Avoid using euphemisms, like telling your child that the person who died just "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make your child afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away.

By the same token, remember that your child's questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a 5-year-old who asks where a person who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, the child might be satisfied hearing that the person who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief system.

Kids from the ages of about 6 to 10 start to grasp the finality of death, even if they don't understand that it will happen to every living thing one day. A 9-year-old may think, for example, that if he just behaves or makes a wish or finds a lucky penny, he won't die or grandma won't die. Often, children in this age group personify death and think of it as the "boogeyman" or a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear, and honest explanations for what happened.

As kids mature into teens, they start to understand that every human being eventually dies, regardless of grades, behavior, wishes, or anything they try to do.

As your teen's understanding about death evolves, questions may naturally come up about his or her own mortality and vulnerability. For example, if your 16-year-old's friend dies in a car accident, your teen might be reluctant to get behind the wheel or even ride in a car for awhile. The best way to respond is to empathize about how frightening and sad this accident was. It may also be a good time to remind your teen about ways to stay safe and healthy, like never getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking and always wearing a seatbelt.

Teens also tend to search more for meaning in the death of someone close to them. A teen who asks why someone had to die probably isn't looking for literal answers, but starting to explore the idea of the meaning of life. Teens also tend to experience some guilt, particularly if one of their peers died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.

good luck

Answer 4

all children go through it. my son whet through the same thing and always got upset about death, but i was always truthful with him, even through all the tears. I think it helped him accept death and not to be scared of it. I told him that there was a heaven and angels. My son was very scared of me dying and i told him that everyone has to die and that when i die ill be watching him from heaven. I know that this destressed him deeply, but i got some books and sat and talked about it. He could see that it was something that even i didnt like talking about and in a way that helped him. He could see that it made mummy upset and that it was ok for him to be upset about it and in a way it helped him accept it.
If your son is badly effected by it though talk to his teachers and see if theres anything that they can help with, if they have any literature for children that can help him understand. Children can get a bit scared and upset by what they dont understand, and if you dont tell him the truth now ( however upsetting it is) it may make it harder in the future to tell him the truth

Answer 5

I think the best thing you can do is sit him down and ask him why he thinks he is going to die... where has he seen it, heared it...
if it's something on t.v or whatnot you can say "it was only make believe"
what ever you do, don't lie to him, be honest with him, i'm sure if you get to the root of the problem it will be easier to find a way to explain :)

good luck!

Answer 6

Thats a tricky one. I think everyone, at sometime fears dying, but how do you explain that to a 5 year old?? Has someone he knew recently died? Maybe that has scared him.

I hope that this is a passing phase and he is just coming to terms with what dying actually means.

I don't think that it is wrong to lie to him at this stage, maybe check out your library to see if there are any good children's books that can help you raise the subject yet help him with his fear.

Good Luck

Answer 7

Whatever you do you cant lie to him.
If you are in the UK there are some good well written books about dying especially written for children. I think this might be the best way to explain it.
Seems a very young age to be worrying about dying though. Did anything bring it on such as a death of a friend, pet or loved one?
Tell him that he will be a very, very old man when he dies.

Answer 8

no dont lie to him,just try and find a way to explain what really happens without making it scary.. i was like this when i was younger and was so scared of my parents dying..it started over something i heard in a sunday school i went to when i was young..a lady said "god decides when you die" i was so scared i thought god can choose my parents at anytime to die! i was up in the nights constantly scared..my parents just reassured me that everything was ok.try finding out what started this fear of death and why he is so scared about it?? also give him lots of comfort and let him know he willl be ok and mummy will look after him.
its upsetting at his age,i know how he feels but dont lie by telling him he wont die as it will make things worse when someone dies etc..

goodluck and dont forget to comfort him kisses and cuddles

Answer 9

Best not to lie, but I think that to say only older people die is a good compromise. It is normal to get anxious when you realise at about that age that you will die one day. I actually remember this and did not want to go to sleep just in case I died in the night. If you say this to him, and hope none of his mates die until he is old enough to understand fully, he will realise why you only gave him the partial truth at this stage. He is only a baby so it is best not to get him too worried, but he needs to start understanding some things.

Other answers on this page like telling him the soul carries on are good, but please wait until he asks questions or you will overload him with information. This gives him space to come up with his own beliefs and expanations if he needs to. Then answer his questions briefly and without getting emotional, just as you would answer his questins on sex. Good luck.

Answer 10

This is a fairly common fear for children but not usually related to themselves; it's often that they are afraid that one of their loved ones is going to die.

Anyway, I have a few ideas here.

1. Is it possible he was exposed to some image of death that was really frightening? For example, a movie trailer on TV that seems very short can have really disturbing images on it. Maybe ask him what he imagines death will be like and if he comes back with "painful, gory" whatever, maybe you can get to the heart of it.

If this is the case, I would suggest telling him that most people die rather calmly and surrounded by their family. It seems morbid, but you might even want to show him the obituaries and show him that the people are almost all old people who died after long, wonderful lives.

Also, I would strongly suggest keeping him away from the TV, and from violent images, for a little while anyway, until you can re-introduce images of death that are calm and peaceful. They probably have children's books that deal with this topic -- like the death of a grandparent or pet.

2. Is it possible that he's scared of being alone, and he thinks of death as the ultimate sort of alone-ness? maybe this come from a fear of the dark, or that he doesn't like being left alone at night to go to sleep? I would try something like giving him a little night-light and telling him "See, Mommy/Daddy's love is like that night-light, it never goes out and it never goes away, even when things are scary, our love is still there for you, so you can NEVER BE ALONE." I think that images of coffins can seem particularly confining and alone and scary. Again, try to keep him away from the TV as much as possible.

3. As for lying, I don't think it's a good idea. but we do lie to our kids a lot. There is a Tooth Fairy, there is a Santa Claus, even just things like "Parties are just as fun when you're sober." :) Anyway, I think that telling him he'll never die is pretty useless, because the minute he goes to school and tells somebody that, they're going to frighten him all over again. Five, six, seven-year-old boys have very violent imaginations (I'm a teacher) and if he tells one of them "I'm never going to die" they will probably come back with some story about a slimy monster that will eat his eyes and come back for his heart later.

I really do think the best thing to do is present him with calm and peaceful images of death. I am assuming that you don't have a religious faith that gives you some sort of positive afterlife story??? In this case, all you can do is say that after you die, you will be completely calm, and not scared at all, and all the love that you showed other people will be carried around in their hearts. Ask him, like, "When Daddy leaves the room, do you forget that he loves you?" And he'll say no, and you'll say, "See, that shows that he will always be here."

Just don't frighten him by convincing him that Daddy's going to die anytime soon. :)

I wish you all the best and I hope you can get him calmed down and feeling ready to live a long healthy life!!!