Ok, I'm very sad and need a good joke to cheer me?

Question

A joke, a riddle, a limerick, anything. Dirty ones are ok too! Thanks

Thank you all!!! I loved them and wish I could give all of you 10 points. It's hard to choose just one but I am going to pick the one about the cat because my kitty just had surgery. Thanks again for making me feel better.

Answer 1

Cat Haiku

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.

Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Litter box not there
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink

Answer 2

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections

Good: You wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You're daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Answer 3

A family is mourning over thier family that had a brain tumor and needed a new brainand they are talking about the transplant.The doctor said "If you want to buy a brain it has a 90% change he will live, but it is exspensive for the brain." A family member asked, "How much do they cost?" The doctor answered "Male brains are 500$ and female brains are 200$." The males look at the females, and some smile a little. A female family member asked, "Why do the male brains cost more?" He said, "Because, the female brains have been used."

Answer 4

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to a minimum of one yet another on a protracted flight. The lawyer asks if she might choose to play a relaxing sport. The blonde is drained and merely desires to take a snooze, so she with politeness declines and tries to seize some winks. The lawyer persists that the sport is quite some relaxing. "I ask you a query, and in case you do no longer understand the respond, you pay me merely $5. You inquire from me one, and if i do no longer understand the respond, i will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's interest and to maintain him quiet, she concurs to play the sport. The lawyer asks the 1st question. "what's the area from the earth to the moon?" The blonde does not say a word, reaches in to her handbag, pulls out a 5-greenback bill, and palms it to the lawyer. Now, it is the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What is going up a hill with 3 legs, and springs down with 4?" The lawyer makes use of his pc, searches all references. He makes use of the Airphone; he searches the internet or perhaps the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart acquaintances he's familiar with, all to no avail. After one hour of finding he ultimately provides up. He wakes up the blonde and palms her $50. The blonde takes the $50 and is going back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts no longer understanding the respond. He wakes her up and asks, "nicely, so what is going up a hill with 3 legs and springs down with 4?" The blonde reaches into her handbag, palms the lawyer $5 and is going back to sleep........

Answer 5

I'll tell you 2:

1)
Someone says to his friend:
-Yesterday, I captured a fish that can live outside the water!
-Wow! Can I see it?
-Now, unfortunately it's dead. I accidentally dropped it into the water and it got drowned!

2)
A man riding a motorcycle is driving towards work. Luckily, all trafic lights are green.
- Oh yeah, he says.
But suddenly, all traffic lights switch to red.
-Damn it!
Suddenly, a priest comes out of nowhere, and says:
-Don't you ever say that again, god will punish you!
The next day all trafic lights are green.
- Oh yeah, the man says.
But suddenly, all traffic lights switch to red.
-Damn it!
Suddenly, a priest comes out of nowhere, and says:
-Don't you ever say that again, god will punish you!
The following day...
all the traffic lights are green.
-I'll make it this time! the man says.
Suddenly, all t. lights switch to red.
-DAMN IT!!!
The priest comes and says:
-Don't say that again, you will be punished!
And, suddenly, the sun disappears, the land is shaking and a lighting kills the priest. Then, a very loid voice coming from the sky:
-Damn it, I missed!

Answer 6

Since you're a woman I'll tell you this joke...

There were 3 good friends - John, Jake and Josh. One day, they went fishing in a small boat together. Then John caught a magical fish, that would grant them each 1 wish. Since John caught the fish, he wished first, "Make me the wealthiest man on earth." John turned into Bill Gates. Jake wished that he was the wisest man on earth. He turned into Solomon. Josh was granted the last wish. Josh said, "Make me cleverer than the most clever MAN on earth." Immediately, Josh turned into a woman!

Hope this joke made your day! :D

Answer 7

might sound corny but hope it helps.. i read this joke when i was reading my friend`s reader`s digest.


Nurse: Doctor, theres an invisible man on the waiting room who wants to see you.
Doctor: Tell him i can`t see him right now.

it made me laugh when i was soo close of doing sumthing really not good.. made me feel better.. :]

Answer 8

mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. So they ask Baby bear if he wants to live with momma he says no she beats me. They say you want to live with Papa? He says no he bets me too.
Who do you want to live with then? The Chicago Bears they don't beat anyone.



























************Please give me the best answer.

Answer 9

why does the computer has a bad cold ?

because he had a virus

what did the baby computer said to his dad computer

data

Answer 10

have you heard of the 2 gay irishmen?

kyle fitzpatrick and patrick fits kyle