Am I settling? Do women settle to finally be married?

Question

I am a woman in my early 40's and always dreamed of finding the right guy and marrying. I pictured meeting someone with whom I'd have a lot of sexual chemistry with but all the men that fit that requirement wanted only one thing. I have finally met someone that seems to genuinely care for me,tells me he loves me, brings me little presents and is an overall great guy but... he's balding, has a pouch belly,is totally gray and doesn't do it for me sexually. Am I settling? Do women settle to finally be married?

I am thinking this is why women have a reputation for having lower libido. Men get their pick but women pick from those who pick them because men they would prefer don't react well to being approached first but the chemistry is not there and that's why there is so little action in the bedroom

ANONYMOUS: you seem to be contradicting yourself.First you tell me my expectations were/are probably too high and I should be realistic but you would not want a woman to feel you are just ok and the best she can do.Isn't he's ok and the best I can do what a realistic expectation really means? FYI,most people guess I am at least 10 yrs. younger-no wrinkles or crows feet yet :-)

ANONYMOUS: Women can approach men, but my experience has been men that are approached first don't value the woman and use her until they find someone they feel is worth pursuing. Then the pursued woman comes on like gangbusters attacking the woman that approached "her man" for having chased him and had a relationship with him because of course the man never wanted the woman that approached him. The man usually encourages the woman he pursued to attack the one that pursued him because he suddenly remembers he was never interested in the woman that pursued him. This happened to me more than once so I no longer approach men first or allow men to turn me into their pursuer.Been there done that.didn't turn out well

MONAD: I was never a career girl thinking she could have it all. I was a Catholic girl thinking she could have chemistry with a man she married so she should wait until marriage. I passed on a lot of men I had chemistry with because they did not want marriage. Are you saying I should have gone for it instead of passing or that I should have settled for someone I felt no attraction for to be married earlier? You seem to be preaching to feminists instead of answering my question and I am a bit baffled and slightly offended by your response.

Answer 1

Would you rather have an extremely handsome man, with the perfect body, and nice hair that treats you horribly? He sounds like a great guy, if you are having doubts just wait and see how your relationship works out with him. Good Luck

Answer 2

I just turned 40 myself. I hear you. I am still single. I have dated many men in the past. I used to be focused on the looks etc...but as I got older, the inside of the person is what matters to me. Of course, if the man is butt ugly and very obese, that is a turn off despite the good heart etc...

The way I look at physical appearance is...if a person is a bit overweight but makes efforts to eat healthy and exercise, i am fine with that because, I personally value healthy eating and active living.

A very obese man 260 and up, sends me the message that his lifestyle is not compatible with what I value as being important in life. Therefore, I am not interested in very obese and sedentary men. Deep down, you already know the answer. Trust your gut feeling. It never lies.

As far as marriage...I don't think I will ever get married. Too much financial risk as statistics show that most people get divorced nowadays. Divorce is the equivalent to financial ruination. Regarding children, a long time ago, I made the decision that I would not start a family at 40. Too much risks, medically speaking.

I think that in 2007, women must be independent and self sufficient. That way, our emotions and our whole lifestyle will not be at the mercy of someone else. Lets be the masters of our destiny. Basically it means, don't settle for Unhappiness.
Liz

Answer 3

There is no definitive answer to this - you have to know what's right for you. It is not settling to want to get married, but look deep inside yourself - does this feel right? Do you have even the smallest glimmer of doubt about committing yourself to someone with whom you make not share the "whole package"? Or do you feel completely comfortable at the idea of being with this man every day? If so, GO FOR IT!! Only you can really know how you feel and it is not always about the sex. That can actually grow eventually as you get to know each other on a deeper level. While it might feel ordinary now, one day you may see him as completely sexy.
But, if you are at all unsure, don't do it just because you think you should. Follow your instinct and your heart. Good luck.

Answer 4

If he loves you and treats you right then he might be the one for you. Looks surely dont matter. As long as he takes care of you and is there for you for life. I have a guy who is slightly shorter, I am slimmer and he is a bit chubby and he is so intelligent better than those handsome twerps I have seen before. Big deal, I love him for what its worth and we have been going strong for the past 10 years. Its the best thing this love and I am proud of what I have in him and I am sure he feels the same too.

Just be happy with what you got. Bye

Answer 5

Good question!

Looks aren't everything, ya know? And if you found the 2 things that you really wanted in a guy, then I think you should just stick with it. He sounds like a genuinely good guy, so I don't think you're settling for less.

Good luck! =)

Answer 6

If you are not in love with him, I would say your settling. As far as physical characteristics. Those are not as important as the emotional bond. However, everyone is different in what they desire or need in a relationship. Sex, for me would be another thing that would need to be in place. I would need to desire him sexually. However, you can teach him what you need him to know if their is an attraction. And you are the only one who can answer the question, are you settling?. Good luck and God bless****

Answer 7

You are settling in a way reminiscent of Charlotte and Mr. Collins from Pride & Prejudice. (Fabulous book. Check it out if you already haven't.) There's no reason to do this. You can get a man to whom you're attracted. Without that, what's the point?

Answer 8

Ummm . . . well, no offense, but you are getting up there in age. Early 40s? So I guess this guy is in his late 40s at the very least. Most men are not the picture of virility at that age. If he has a pot belly, maybe you can get him to take up an exercise routine with you. If he does that, his belly should flatten somewhat. Other than that . . . I think you're stuck. But that is all to be expected. I think your expectations were too high for a very long time and that caused you to leave lots of decent men to chase after those other guys who only wanted the one thing. Anyway, you're lucky to have found someone who cares about you. You can probably get him to adopt healthier habits, but other than that you need to take him as he is. I'm sure you're not perfect either.

As for your "settling" questions . . .

Are you settling? Yes, perhaps. Only you can answer that question. But as you ask yourself that, ask yourself if your expectations are reasonable.

Do women settle to finally be married? Well, I suppose some of them do. I hope I never get tangled up with one of those women. I don't want to be anyone's second choice . . . if a woman marries me, I want it to be because she thinks I'm awesome, not because she thinks I'm OK and the best she can do. Good night!

EDIT: OK, obviously you didn't think about what I said enough, probably because you're somehow offended by it. I am not contradicting myself. People need to have reasonable expectations in life. Indeed, I want to marry someone who thinks I'm awesome and is attractive to me. But if all women seek out men who look like Greek gods or who have assets rivaling those of Bill Gates then they probably won't appreciate what I have to offer. There is a distinction between having low expectations, reasonable expectations and settling. If you have modest desires and expectations, you will be thrilled to be with fairly normal men. If you have expectations too low, you will date entirely unsuitable men. If you have unreasonable expectations and desires, you will refuse to date decent, reasonably attractive men and instead chase men who are in the extreme minority and who are very much in demand.

Also, I would like to point out, you say that men get to do the picking and women have to choose from the men that approach them. Well, that just isn't true. If a woman likes a man, she can approach him just as well as he can approach her. In fact, the order of things puts men at a disadvantage. Men are expected to make approaches to all sorts of women, and they're bound to get turned down 90% of the time. Women, on the other hand, get to choose from all men AND they have an idea of which ones like them. Have a nice day!


Yet another EDIT:

So, you made an approach and got rejected, or got yourself into a complicated mess. You know, this is a very common thing among women. They want to take the initiative sometimes, but things turn out badly once or twice and they totally give up. Part of it is reasoning ("guys must not like this, because I failed TWO WHOLE TIMES") and part of it is cowardice (simple fear of rejection that we all have). I'm guessing you only tried this a few times. If all men gave up so easily after a few rejections or other problems, hardly anybody would get hooked up. Like I said, about 90% of approaches on the part of men are failures for some reason or another, so the failure rate probably wouldn't be that much lower for women making approaches. You say it's happened more than once to you, but it's bound to happen even more than that . . . when you've failed about 20 times without you succeeding once, then maybe you'll be on to something. Women get away with letting men bear all the stress, pain, and hard work of taking the initiative because of custom. Rest assured, if you approach the right men in the right way, they will appreciate the effort on your part. The only time they won't is if they don't like you enough (or maybe if they're ultra traditional or something). Good night!

Answer 9

No, it is women your age that tend to settle to finally be married.

You state you want someone with whom you have a lot of sexual chemistry, yet these men who fitted this requirement only wanted one thing.....SEX. Is this not what "chemistry is about? Or is it that you want this with a man who also has "nice guy" tendencies?

The men who possess all the atributes you mention about in your current guy, who are also financially stable and good looking, are great demand. These men are not interested in independent career women, they don't care how much money you have, the only thing they are interested in is if you are attractive and have a good personality. To be frank they want young women who are interested in devoting themselves to raising a family, not a career.

It would appear you have spent your early years with men who are popularly known as "bad boys" who are good at stimulating attraction in women, but don't want to commit and instead enjoy the benefits of womens' sexual liberation.

You are now in your early 40s and your chances of finding the "right guy" is now limited, hence why you feel you are settling for a man who is "balding, has a pouch belly, is totally gray and doesn't do it for me sexually"

Unfortunately, you were in a much better position to attract the "right guy" years ago when you were younger. Just as you are not sexually attracted to this man, the men who you are interested in (the men in demand) are no longer attracted to you.

I might add that a large part of the reason the chemistry may not be there with this man is because you can control him, there is no resistance, he is not expressing his masculinty and is too sweet, kind and easy to take for granted. In other words he is too much of a "nice guy". Unfortunately men inately need to be overtly masculine to stimulate attraction (chemistry) in women and it is only the men who can look through feminism's "male sexuality is bad" and continue to express it regardless, or who just don't give a sh!t that still have that aura of masculinity about them.

I will say it again, men are not interested independent career women and women need to realise that the higher up the ladder they go, the less men of same or higher status there are. Yet, men of high status (by women's standards) have the largest choice of women available. The only asset these men are interested in: feminine beauty.

You are a victim of feminism, You fell for the lie that you could have it all, that you could have your fun while you were younger and expect to find a man to marry when your older.

The consequence of this is men are less likely to marry or even commit because women continue to give away what men want willy nilly (hence the proliferation of "bad boys" and the rarity and subsequent high demand of the "right guy").

Again, you can thank feminism for the Marriage Strike (look it up on the net), as men are also less likely to commit because they are afraid that the woman will separate, taking the kids, assets, and a percentage of his income until the kids are adults.

You may still have a chance to find the "right guy" but the longer you leave it the less chance you have. At your age I would be looking at men who are divorced, though they will likely not settle for less than a supportive feminine woman after their first experience.

Have a think about how you can work towards being what the "right guy" wants, as whatever you have been doing up till now hasn't got you where you want to be....

Best of luck.

---EDIT:

I mentioned feminism for some of the reasons why it is harder to get a man to commit these days, not to accuse you of being a feminist.

So you were not a career girl...then what have you been doing all this time? Waiting passively for Mr Right, for chemistry...with commitment? You have wanted to get married for years, yet you are in your early 40s, and are not. Why has no man wanted to commit to you, have a think about it.

If you keep doing the same things, whatever they are, you will keep getting the same results. Lower your expections like Anonymous said, you are no longer in your twenties. Better yet, think about what YOU can do to interest a man you have chemistry with to make a commitment. Because the reality is, men must prove to themselves to women for sex (chemistry), however women must prove themselves to men for a relationship (commitment).

I don't mean to offend you, however I am calling things how I see them from the limited information you give.The women here may tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better. However, I am giving you a man's perspective, as is Anonymous and we're both attempting to give you a possible solution to your problem, or at least give you something to work on to find a solution. Since this is about your relationships with men (or lack thereof), perhaps you could look past your offence and consider our view of your situation.

Answer 10

If he doesn't do it for you then you have to accept that. You may grow to love him but you probably won't. Be completely honest with yourself before you hurt this man & probably yourself.