What advice might I give a young cousin to better relate to his stepfather?

Question

Sadly as is stereotypical in movies, my fifteen year old cousin does not get along with his stepfather. He calls me frequently for advice, but other than common sense somewhat cliched words of wisdom I really have nothing to offer him that hasn't been tried already (such as trying to see it from his perspective or trying to find similar interests, etc). The tension between them, which they're both at fault for making worse at times with verbal baiting and goading during their frequent arguments, is placing his mom in a very awkward position and putting a tremendous strain on her relationship with her husband. I know she's run out of ideas and is swiftly running out of hope in many respects. Stepdads, stepkids, what methods have you found helpful in trying to reach a happy medium? Right now it's too much to ask that they form any kind of friendship (I'm not sure they ever will), but what might I suggest that will help them coexist more civily?

Answer 1

I had a step dad that came in like gangbusters. he decided he was taking my dads place. for four years we fought every step of the way. The problem is not with your cousin. its the step dad who has come to replace the dad and therein lies the whole key.
The two need to sit with the woman who has melded them together. She needs to, listen to both of them. they both need to let the other talk without interruption. The step dad needs to hear what he is doing and understand what he is not going to do and that is replace the original father(dad). When that understanding is made, then they can begin working on compromises.
My step dad died in a car accident. It was the first time in four years I actually smiled.
Being a step parent is hard. Being a step kid is even harder when the mother lets her new husband do whatever to the child. I grew up abused by my mom and then my step dad was allowed to do the same. My real dad talked to me, he never hit me. I got spankings when I was smaller, but when I was age ten I got talked to and privileges were taken away. My step dad used whatever he could to hurt me.
So I am offering what I felt would have worked in my situation. It can't hurt

Answer 2

Speaking as a step-dad myself, this is a tough one. Step parents have a tricky job learning to get along with the rest of the family sometimes.

The way I was successful was to spend a great deal of time learning who each of the kids was and that meant not trying to take over and lay down the law over trivial things. It meant a lot of listening and not judging!

New people in your life have to know you respect them, no matter what age they are.

To patch up from where you are depends on the step-dad. He's the alleged adult here and needs to stop and listen. His wife should be the mediator if necessary and not permit this kind of reckless parenting to continue.

It's hard enough getting along with a 15 YO and it really takes a lot of effort under normal circumstances! LOL!

Both of them need to start over and quit trying to control the other one. There needs to be rules in the house but normal ones. They need to learn to listen to each other and not have unrealistic expectations from each other. Communication, honesty and trust are critical.

Especially the step-dad but both need to get off the negative attitudes and try to find something they LIKE about each other, however minuscule, and work from there.

Answer 3

Well, my mom remarried about two years ago when I was 16 and we moved to another state. I disliked my stepfather and we did not see eye to eye. I stayed only three months and moved to live with grandparents back in my hometown. It may not seem like the best idea up front for him to go live with another family member, or it may not be possible depending on your family, i dont know you so i dont know if that could work. I know my mom was really upset when I made the decision to move and I know she misses me a lot but I think it helped her relationship with my stepdad stay strong even if i dont like the man. It's something to consider atleast.

Answer 4

Tell him to lower his expectations as to what kind of relationship he wants to have with his stepfather, to lay low and to go into survival mode, to avoid provoking the guy, and to give up on his probable wish that his mother will dump her new husband.

He's too young for all this, but he has to develop independence from his family and strike out (at least spiritually) on his own.

Answer 5

Don't want to offer trite words but that family needs counseling. If they refuse to do so as a family, your cousin should try talking to the school counselor or an adult who understands the problem.