PLEASE CoME! I NEED JOKES AND RIDDLES! BEST ONE GETS 10 POINTS!?

Question

PLEASE TELL ME A JOKES OR RIDDLES! and please explain the jokes and give the answer to riddles.

Answer 1

There were three sisters and they were all curious where there name came from. They all went up to their father.
"Why am I named Rose?" asked the first sister.
"Darling, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." explained her father.
"Why am I named Lilac?" asked the second sister.
"When you were born, a lilac petal fell on your head." explained the father.
"Jooguummeejfjuuu!" screamed the third daughter.
"Shut up, Cinderblock."
__________________

Me and my friend Fusco went up to this blonde girl at school.
"Which is closer, the moon or Florida?" asked Fusco.
"Duh, the moon. You can see the moon, you can't see Florida."
"Um, the moon is millions of miles away." I said.
"So is Florida!"

Answer 2

knock knock
who's there
little boy blue
little boy blue who
michael jackson

a guy goes to see a doctor, and says, "doctor, i have a problem with my p*nis. the doctor says "all right, pull down your pants." the guy says, "just don't laugh." so the doctor looks and justs burted out laughing because it was about the size of a triple "a" battery. so the guy pulled up his pants and said," told you not to laugh." so the doctor said,"i'm sorry, let me look at again and i will not laugh." so the guy pulls down his pants again. the doctor took it seriouly this time and asked what was wrong with it. the guy said,"it was swollen."

i have photographic memory, but i don't have film.

one day there was a really beautiful girl around 19 years of age. she was living with her grandma and were falling behind on the bills. she already had a job, but needed another. so she went to prostitution. well a week later, the police caught her along with other prostitutes and told them to stand in line. well the girls grandma got worried and looked for her. then when she found her, she said,"sweetie, why are you in this line?" the girl had to think fast and said,"they're giving away free oranges." the grandma said," oh boy, i could get some oranges myself." so the grandma goes to the back of the line not knowing it was a line of prostitutes. well the police questioned each and every one of them and when they gotten to her one of the officers said,"holy crap, your 80 some odd years old and still doing it, how do you do it?" and the grandma said," that's easy sonny, i'd jut pop out my dentures and suck'em dry."

Answer 3

What do you call a canines it is wearing a banana gown? Bandana :P Why does not the frog bounce into the airborne dirt and airborne dirt and dust? It replaced into scared that it wud get grimy, could desire to bathe and seize pneumonia What did the cat say whilst she fell from the ceiling fan? i'm by no potential making a nest What happens to computers whilst they crash? They declare coverage Who could be President, Obama or Hillary? None, Me

Answer 4

A LITTLE NASTY....When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.

"I think she choked to death," said the husband. >>>HE CHOKED HER WITH HIS 'P SHOOTER'

Answer 5

Ok theres 2 blondes in NASA. The russians said we r the greatest cuz we were da 1st 1s 2 go 2 space. The americans said we r da greatest cuz we went 2 da moon first. Then da 2 blondes say no we r da greatest cuz we r gonna go 2 da sun. They say how r u gonna do dat u r gonna burn up. They say duhhh we r goin at night

Answer 6

ok....

1. how do you put an giraffe in a fridge?
A. open the fridge, put the giraffe in, close the fridge.
2. how do you put an elephant in a fridge?
A. open the door, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, close the fridge.
3. the lion king is having a meeting. which animal WON'T attend?
A. the elephant, he's in the fridge.
4. you need to get across a lake inhabited by crocidiles. no ropes or bridges. how do you manage?
A. swim. the crocidiles are at the meeting...

Answer 7

I am so tiny you can hardly see me.
I'm a recorder of action and priority.
It might take a few of me to impart what I know,
But that depends if you read fast or read slow.
What Am I?






















the answer is: a minute

Answer 8

someone's so old, they farts dust.
someone's so old, they ow Jesus $3.
someone's so old, when God said, "Let there be light," they flipped the switch.
Someone's is so fat, when God said let there be light,they had to move!
Someone's so fat, when they went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"
Someone's so fat, the last time they saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.
None of this were insults to anybody and if they were sorry. Well I hope that cheers you up.

Answer 9

OK babycake this one was told to me by my grandson who is six if he can get the joke i am sure you will

How do you make a snooker table laugh??


put your hands in its pockets and tickle its b*lls

Answer 10

This blonde had a appointment and was driving around the parking lot looking for a parking place.......she finally looks up and says god if you can help me get a parking spot i will attend mass every sunday and give up sex and tequila.......like a miracle a spot appears......the blonde looks back up and says never-mind god i found one.