Why does my 14 year old daughter think she knows more than me?

Question

It is really irritating to deal with her when she acts like she knows more than I do about life. She has no clue. She is a good kid and an excellent student, but her mouth is what gets her in trouble. She talks down to me and I'm tired of it. Some people say if she is a good kid and gets good grades then I shouldn't complain. Well, I work my butt off to provide her and her brother with everything they need. I deserve some respect and apprectiation. I just don't know how to get it from her.

Answer 1

There's stuff going on in her brain at this time of life -- that's what the scientists say.

She's reached a new level (new to her) of capability for abstract reasoning.

It being new, and you being someone she's known for a long time, with all the other changes going on in her, means that she is the only one to have this feeling and these experiences.

Not old, reliable, deeply flawed mom.

Part of it is that, for the first time, she doesn't think of you as god-like -- unfortunately, that brings you down into the mud, rather than on a human level. It's disappointing.

Do try drawing on your own memories of teen-hood.

In other words, echoing other answers, this is how it goes. Congratulations! It's a bouncing 14-yr-old girl!

I remember reading a great column by a mom, who said that, when they were young, they were "dog" children -- they adore you, want to be with you, look up to you, are thrilled with praise, cowed by disapproval.

And the parent gets used to having "dog" children. (Realize, this isn't an insult.)

Then all of a sudden they become "cat" children -- aloof, starting at every movement you make, independent, and infinitely superior.

It's a hard adjustment for parents to make.

She found that, like cats, leaving them be whenever possible, not trying to turn them back into dog children, every once in a while, they'd realize that, well, she's the source of kibble and a warm lap.

Of course you're tired of it. You can require her to give you outward respect and not be rude (never allow actual rudeness).

You could also try to explain to her that you are doing the best you can, and she can do as she pleases when she's on her own. (Won't help, but you can try.)

It means laying down the law and really enforcing it (which will be real h*ll for a while, until she gives up).

You can give her more responsibility, as befits her advanced years and wisdom, and let her struggle with it, to maybe give some insight that things are harder than they seem.

In fact, I think this is a good idea. It acknowledges her increasing maturity (that IS what this represents, little as it seems so), and may lighten your load a bit, as well as providing her useful experience she'll need on her own.

"Now that you're older, you're able to take more responsibility for maintanance of home and family." Giving her choices as to what specific things would help you would be good -- give her a list of tasks or chores from which to choose.

But this is how it goes -- in all times and all cultures. It's just how humans are.

Appreciation will bob up if you don't try for it -- but it will be a fleeting thing for a while.

The only real consolation is the hope that she has some of her own one day, when you can LAUGH at her.

Answer 2

Because she's 14. I swear someone steals these kids away at this age and gives you some troll, and then switch them back again at 20. You'll have to decide what battles to fight. Some of them aren't worth the trouble. And forget about appreciation. That won't happen until they're parents themselves. It's just the way it is.

Answer 3

It may have to do with he fact that we ALL thought we were smarter than our parents and knew everything. Yes, you deserve respect. I'm not saying you don't, but it is a normal teenager thing.
My girlfriend's mom had a sign in her kitchen when we were growing up. I can't remember everything it said, but in big bold red letters on the top it said TEENAGERS< QUICK MOVE OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL KNOW EVERYTHING!!!. And then it went on to list everything you need to live on your own. I always laughed when I read it.
Some day she will look back and she will appreciate everything you did for her. I know I was a brat growing up and once I had my kids I got a whole new appreciation for what I put my parents through.

Answer 4

Didn't you know that teenagers know everything ;) ?

It's a thing all parents have to go through. Sometimes letting them learn a lesson their way (as long as it's not a dangrous lesson to learn) makes them realize that they need to be mindfull of the parents. Pick you battles, is it worth getting upset about? Or is it eaisier on everyone to just let it slide and ignore her? You'll get through it and so will she.

My mom always said she loves her children, but hated her teenagers. As I come to this point with my children i see some truth to that statement.

Answer 5

I could have written this 20 years ago and my Mom could have written it 40 years ago. It's just the normal rebellion of a 'not yet a woman but not a child' daughter. Hang in there, it will get better in a couple years. In the meanwhile, do not allow her to disrespect you. Remind her that she is entitled to opinions, but not at the risk of rudeness and disrespect. As her parent, you are entitled to that respect. Non-compliance is not an option.

Answer 6

We spend so much of our children's lives encouraging them and telling them how smart they are. BIG MISTAKE.. lol it comes right back to bite us in the rear. My son has had the audacity to tell me that teachers these days are smarter than teachers when we were kids. The only thing that worked for my son was a great big slice of humble pie. I sat down with him and explained that what he is learning now is book smarts, and that life smarts are very different. I then took him to volunteer at the homeless shelter in my town where many families were living. We spent 3 hours there, I haven't had an issue since, and he comes to me to ask advice on life situations again.
Good Luck!

Answer 7

Don't you remember being 14? This will get worse before it gets better. Trust me, I raised 2 daughters and I am still here to talk about it.

Answer 8

Give her a break...14 is a hard year. Try seeing things from her point of view and maybe you too will get along better. The all-knowing thing comes with the age, btw. She'll grow out of it.

Answer 9

easy stop poviding things (cept the baisc stuff, food water limit clothing dont buy new clothes if she has clothes) dont let her go out with friends or if u do limit the time she's out once she asks u wat ur doing and why explain to her that she seems to know more about life then u, and all those things that u normally get her or allow her do to are a reward for her respect and appreciation towrd u...after a while she'll be like wtf and prolly try a lil harder to respect u ect. be firm hold ur ground no matter wat tanturams she throws...believe me there'll be big ones...my friends mum dun this this to her wen she was 13 worked wonders and ill never forget it!!

Answer 10

its because shes 14 youve only just begun to get a taste of her attitude. Im afraid she wont get her manners back until shes at least 20. So be prepared for a long road ahead. Welcome to the teenage years!