Regarding custody issue : visitation rights?

Question

I am in a bit of a squander and am hoping for some honest opinions. I have two children from a previous marriage and their mother technically doesnt have ground set visitation rights but I agree wholeheartedly that the mother should remain in their lives as much as possible. I am the custodial dad. The problem I am having is a moral issue I guess. Their mother and boyfriend live in a one-room motel room. They have stayed on various weekends. Since starting to stay I have heard that the boyfriend smokes pot, and alcohol, quite a lot when the boys are not around, and drinks when they are but moderately. Should I bring the children for overnights knowing their mother is important and their sleeping arrangements are not. (this boyfriend is about 2 months along in the relationship btw). Also am do you think I should bring them when their mom isnt there for the boyfriend to watch alone? I know its hard based on the vague details...best answer u can give please!

Answer 1

Coming from a childhood based on that similiar situation, I have some thoughts for you. If the mother cares enough about her children first of all, she should know better then to hanging with some guy like this. She doesnt even know the man and the fact that he uses, regardless, you cannot predict the future. But you can certainly have some control. The kids should always be the parents' number 1 responsibility! The fact you have custody of the kids I am sure there is a reason for that. My thoughts:
1. The kids have NO business being around this mess
2. The ex has only known this man for two months
3. He uses.
4. Who knows who this guy really is and he is living in a motel with a woman he has only known for two months. Is she a user/abuser as well?
5. She lives in a 1 room motel with this man

The mother has the relationship with the kids, not the pot-head boyfriend. The mother needs to take the necessary steps in first of all, living in a more stable environment, second, meet with the children in supervised visits. I know the details are vague and honestly, so my answers may seem a little vague. From a person who grew up in a "similiar" environment - you really need to think what is best for your kids! I understand you want her in their lives, but the kids are the number one priority. They will remember everything they endure as children. Trust me.
I have seen way too much as a child, if you only knew, and trust me. THINK of the kids. Even though there may have been a time in your life where you thought you could trust your ex-wife's judgment, I certainly would NOT leave the kids alone with this man, PERIOD.

The amazing thing is I was blessed and a strong enough person to get thru it. As an adult, parent, wife ...it is amazing that I have such a good life now. . :-) I cannot explain to you what was endured as a kid but I will certainly say, being a parent, I am sure you understand how important your kids are to you, your whole being, your world and every ounce of energy and love is given to those kids. Being a parent is a wonderful thing! :-) I know we cannot always protect them from everything, but trust me, they don't want memories of some drug - alcohol abusing person that just snapped one day and lost it on kids that were not even his. Or end up in therapy as an adult trying to cope with something that could have been avoided. I hope this helps. You may also want to talk to your attorney or arrange something to where she can see the kids.

Answer 2

My husband and I were in the same place, we have custody of his daughter and her mother, was close to being in the same situation. She lived in public housing, at boyfriends houses, motels, stayed at friends etc.. I think the best situation would be to talk to lawyer. See about supervised visitation. ( Local children services will do for a small fee), or have a stipulation that access must occur a mutually agreed upon residence ( possibly a stable friend or family member). Based I what you have said I would not drop the children off to the boyfriend alone, after only 2 mths he is not known well enough by you (or even the mother). We had a stipulation added to our court papers that indicated the mother was not allowed to leave the child alone with anyone during her visits. (no babysitters). It also helps to keep track of all visits cancelled or taken because this will all be helpful if it comes to a court case. Detailed info. on everything. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

Like you said, it can be hard to answer to the best without knowing more about the situation. However, working with some of the vague description you have given of your situation, and hoping you are an honest person, here goes.
I agree that a mother is very important in a childs life. The amount spent in that child's life should depend on what type of influence the mother will have. It sounds as if this mother's life is a bit un-stable at this point. Judging from what you have said about her boyfriend and the one room motel room (i certainly hope it is a clean one and not one of those awful cheap ones!) I personally would not leave my children there overnight. Not without me.
I also would never leave my children alone with this man. I would never leave my child with anyone I didn't know and completely trust. It sounds like there may be some issues on that point for you with him.
Perhaps it would be best to continue visitation with the children's mother in a more controlled environment.
Children really need a stable environment to be raised in, I hope you are able to provide that for them. Best of luck, and perhaps you should try to talk to your ex about trying to improve their time together. That way you may have some control over what they do, and still make her feel like she is somewhat involved in the decision making.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Reading the situation, it sounds like you have assumed that for vistation, it requires the mother to have the children by herself or for the children to be taken to her.

Considering the bad influences and the fact that you really don't know this guy at all, I would not leave my children alone with them ever.

If she wants to see the children, she can see them in a public place or see them at a supervised vistation facility.

It's pretty trusting to put your children into the hands of someone who is known to use illegal substances and abuse legal ones. Who knows what he will do when he is angry, high or drunk?

Even if you need to pay for the supervised vistation facility, I would still go that route over taking a chance of what might happen when you are not there.

Answer 5

I would get a court ordered cisitation set up...and I would onyl allow the mother visitation if the BF isn't there. And definately not to overnights till she gets a better place to live. Your children do not need to be exposed to that garbage.

Answer 6

If I were you, I I knew for a 100%fact that the boyfriend was doing those kind of things I would simply say that mom can have the kids as long as the BF is not there......your kids don't need to be around that kind of thing......so simply request that if mom wants to see kids...the bf can't be around.....thats what I would do.

Answer 7

I would not allow my children to be around this man, certainly not alone. I would suggest day visits or outings with their mother.