How many people with siblings find that all the work falls on you? My best friend has three other siblings and yet they never seem to want to share the responsibility of caring for their aging mother. Then as I began to think about it I realized that I too will be in this situation in a few years, my sister doesn't even call to see how my mom is doing so I really can't see her quitting her job and moving mom in to care for her. Is this a common occurance? How do you all deal with the resentment?
2007-03-09 07:37:16 · 16 answers · asked by 4532 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
It is definitely an interesting question, and I see it in the lives of my family as well. It seems that the other children see the 'caretaker' as omnipotent in that regard. That he/she does not need the support that it takes to sustain an elderly parent.
The family dynamic over the years is probably a large part of the contributing problem because the 'caretaker' adult child has solidified his/her place as the "Doer"; and seems so strong.
The resentment factor is probably huge. I think that opening the lines of communication with the non-participatory siblings will probably help. And, there are now support groups (at least in NY and CT there are) for adult children caring for their elderly parents. See your local mental health provider for group meeting times and locations. Good luck.
2007-03-09 07:43:17 · answer #1 · answered by Wicked East Coast 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Amazingly, the kid that usually offers no care and support is the one the parents have always doted on the most. I can't begin to tell you why but you are correct in your assessment of it. I've heard people say, "I jsut couldn't deal with that", but I'll bet you are like me and just deal with whatever life hands you. Never entered my mind I had a choice. I have a sister who was making a lot of noise about "helping" but what she really did was get all of their CD's put into her name so there was nothing to fight over when they died. She'd already taken it all. She had rewritten the will and they signed it with a witness so what ever she hadn't already taken, she got that way but who do you think was was the one never around for a ride to the Dr or anything else. She walked away with a small fortune but is the most unhappy person in the world. Her husband was just sentenced to prison for raping a little girl. He is 70. She has had a kidney removed, four back surgeries, and several abdominal surgeries and as I understand it she has no health insurance now that he's in prison. I hope she saved some of the folks' money as she'll be needing it. She's not old enough to be on SS herself and that ended when he went to prison. I wouldn't trade my life for her's and the money for anything in the world. What comes around goes around, your reap what you sow, however you want to say it but it all comes out even in the end. God Bless and Good Luck
2007-03-09 15:52:23 · answer #2 · answered by moonrose777 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'll bet they are the middle child too! Join the club. Taking care of old mummy. I have no resentment. They don't know what they are missing. My mother used to annoy me but she doesn't any more. She is very grateful for the time I spend with her and we have a laugh together. She is 91 and pretty independent - I am sure this is the pinnacle and things will change as her life does. I am prepared for this.
2007-03-09 15:41:43 · answer #3 · answered by Gone fishin' 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Care of elderly parents unofficially befalls the eldest of the siblings. However, the parent(s) usually depend on the sibling who has demonstrated the most compassion during the parents' independent years. Thus, the sibling who has undertaken the duties at that time in assisting the parents "volunteeres" him/herself for the job .
2007-03-09 15:45:46 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a common issue for so many families, particularly children of elderly parents. I write for Gilbert Guide, a company that provides the best in long-term care facilities and services. Here's a link to several great articles on caregiving:
http://www.gilbertguide.com/blog/tags/caregiving/
Best,
Ami Icanberry
2007-03-09 16:49:02 · answer #5 · answered by Gilbert Guide 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is usually one child who is a "giver." I tend to be the one with the biggest heart in my family. My brother does nothing for my mom and he barely even calls to check in on her. But I don't resent him at all. I figure I'm lucky to be spending time with her and enjoying her company, and we have a closer relationship. When she's not here anymore, I'll have the memories in my heart always and he'll have guilt. If he ever develops a conscience.
2007-03-09 15:41:39 · answer #6 · answered by true blue 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know how to handle the resentment, but I know I will be in your boat one day, my parents are in their early 50's, so I won't have to deal wiht it for a while God forbid, but I know when that day comes it will be me who takes them on, not my sister, I am frankly more capable of giving and handleing the burden than my sis, things may change, but my sis has a very easy time taking and isn't so good at the pay-back time, so it will be me, and I have accepted it, and I guess thats all you can do!
2007-03-09 17:02:59 · answer #7 · answered by ASH 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately what you say may be true in many instances. It is a shame that children are quick to forget what sacrifices, efforts, love and care went into their care as given by their parents, yet when it comes time to return that love, it is quickly neglected.
It reminds me of a joke I once heard about this. It goes, "Be kind to your children as they may be picking out your nursing home one day."
I am not implying hat parents need to "earn" their children's support later on in life, but suggest that its all part of the cycle of life. Children have a duty to support their parents in thei elderly age.
I am currently doing the same to my parents, so I may be biased about this topic. :)
2007-03-09 15:43:25 · answer #8 · answered by Kerry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
God is fair, just think about it, your mother cared for you when you were young. Now it's your turn. When you get old and can't take care of yourself, you will wish your kids to be there for you. My mother is in the same situation right now, she takes care of her elderly mother and she feels she is doing the right thing. It's all about love, your sisters are just selfish and immature. One day you will get rewarded for your good actions. It's simply the right thing to do at least when you do it, you will be sure she is in good care ; )
2007-03-09 15:43:20 · answer #9 · answered by bubuane2000 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is difficult....my husband went through this....it was so sad...even when his parents were on their death beds...his siblings didn't seem interested. It just blows my mind how this can happen...but it does....thank God one is responsible...there are many lonely seniors in the world that have no one to care about them. Not one.
PS..My husband was the baby in the family....
2007-03-09 15:47:03 · answer #10 · answered by ticklemeblue 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋