How do I help my grandchildren survive their mother's narcissism?

Question

My stepdaughter is 25 years old. Her first child was born 2 months before her high school graduation. She had her 2nd baby two years later by a different father. She finally married another guy in 2004. He moved out six months later. When I expressed concern for the children, she scoffed that he was only around a year. She just gave birth to her 3rd child with yet another man. This guy is 5 years younger. They married and didn't tell anyone for a month. Her relationship with this guy has been rocky. They split 3 times. She lost her house and moved in with him; moved out and in with me and then back in with him. She doesn't think any of this affects her children. When the oldest began acting out in school she got him on Adderall without a thought for his emotional state. Since he was 3 he's had 4 potential stepdads. His own father around infrequently. If I try to talk to my daughter she gets defensive and blames anyone and threatens not to let me see the kids.

Answer 1

She needs to grow up. The children need stability, and because she goes form one place to anohter so frequently, and one man to another frequently, there is no stability for them at all. Your grandson is seeking attention, because apparently he is not getting any at home, so he wants it anyway he can get it, whether it is positive or negative, it is attention. Your stepdaughter appears to be so busy with her boyfriends to realize that the children come first. It is ashame, that the children have to live this way. This is going to sound harsh, but your stepdaughter also does not value herself in any way, she has very little self respect, if she did, then all her children would not be from different partners, she is thinking, that if she keeps getting pregnant by these guys, they will stay with her and become a father to the others, she has not matured enough to even see that this is not working.

Will she ever grow up to realize it....yep, but you have a few more years to go....my stepdaughter is 29, and has just figured it out, and has finally started to do something about it. She to has 3 children,with us raising the oldest. In all honesty, the life that she was living b4...had this child stayed with her....I think it would have been molested, raped or dead by now. Will you ever get throuh to her....not unitl she is ready, she has to see what she is doing is wrong, all you can do is to offer support and be there to help pick her up. but above all you need to start giving her some type of compliments, just find something, the deeper the better. this will eventually help her to value herself, and have more self respect.

I wish you all the best

Answer 2

This is a truly sad situation. These poor kids without fathers. I would pay her off to get sterilized. I am not kidding. Give her $5,000 and pay for the tubal ligation. This will prevent any more children from being raised this way.
If you wish to remain in the children's life (and it sounds like they truly need you) you must suck it up and not upset her. I know it sounds like you are giving in, but you need to keep contact with these kids. I am sorry you have such a self-centered stepdaughter.

Answer 3

You may be the only constant in these kids' lives. Be that constant.
See Lackawanna Blues.
Anyway, my BF has grown children, and they had similar circumstances.
They must have moved 26 times and had 5 step-dads.
My Bf jsut called, whatever state they were in, and he has stayed in their lives long enough to watch them get married, ahve kids, and stay relatively sane and stable.
Be that person, that's all you can do!

Answer 4

Unless she is an unfit mother determined by the court there isn't much you can do except stay in those kids lives. My mom was mentally ill and narcisstic but, my grandmothers were my lifeline.