step-child?

Question

okay. my husband sent his child off acouple months ago to live with his mom because he was causing us so much problems between each other and the other children. his child was horrible, not listening getting into everything, back talking, being mean to his sisters. now my husband wants to bring him back and i dont want him to come back and be with us full time like my husband wants. since the child has been gone nothing has gone wrong, everything in our lives has went right. should i tell my husband how i feel or leave it alone. if i should tell him , how do i do that??? i need help/

alright. we had him for 2 yrs. and the whole time he did this. if i tried to discipline his child he would say i waas being hard on him. he always thought his kid did nothing wrong and mine did everything wrong. now his is gone he can see how the mine were nothe problem then, but he still wants his problem child to come back.

Answer 1

Just tell him. Point out the facts. Try not to be accusing or dominating, but tell your husband that there are more people involved in this decision than just what he feels is best for him and his son. Good luck.

Answer 2

You should definitely talk with your husband. Tell him that there are a few things that need to be discussed about the possibility of his son moving back. You would like to have a discussion and not an argument. Ask for your husbands understanding before the conversation begins. After all is said and done, and the possibility is still open- tell him that the two of you need to sit down with his son and lay down some ground rules before he decides to move back. During the conversation with his son, it needs to be made clear that fighting, rudeness and bad behavior is not and will not be tolerated in your home. Agree that the two of you will be fair to him like all the other children (including punishments) and that the doors for discussion are always open to them. Maybe if he is especially mean to you, try telling him that you are not trying to take his mothers place but you are married to his father and would love for him to respect you and give you a chance. Friendship before anything else. I'm sure he would appreciate that. I hope I helped you out a little. Good Luck and be strong and firm in what you want because you do not want to jeopardize your other children's safety or happiness. :)

Answer 3

As the step mom of a 17 y.o. boy, I feel your pain. Whenever he is at his mom's house, things are wonderful here.
We've gone to counseling and 've learned that it's my HUSBANDS responsibility to keep things under control.
Since you've already been down this road and you know what to expect, demand that your husband take a stand. Have him draw up a contract with specific consequences for poor behavior. Have the kid and dad sign it. Your stepchild is probably feeling insecure about his living situation but that doesn't give him the right to treat anyone with disrespect.
One of the most important things I learned in counseling is that as a step mom, I don't have much of a say. However, if he does something that I absolutely can't tolerate (and dad doesn't do anything), I will speak up. Having said that, choose your battles.Be patient but make sure your husband is willing to go the extra mile and put in the extra work that this child demands. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Would you be willing to give up your children forever because they became "problem children" to your spouse? I understand your frustration, but what you want is unreasonable and uncharitable. It is clear that you need some counseling. You have animosity toward this child. No matter how big a pain in the a** he is, he is still a child and still needs parenting. If you don't have it in your heart to help him you need counseling to get it into your head. It could very well save your family. If you just accept the child back and say nothing, your attitude and actions toward the child will show anyway. Your entire family deserves you to make the sacrifices to be a mother to all the children in the marriage. Get some help.

Answer 5

Yes, you should tell him how you feel, you can set some ground rules and see how it goes. Tell your husband that you are not hard on his son but you have certain rules that all the kids have to follow while living under you and your husbands roof. Tell you husband that if you agree to have him come back two things should happen. First you need his permission to disapline him how you feel fit. If he disagrees with you tactics then he can discuss them with you later outside the presence of his boy. He has to agree at the time until you two can discuss it. Second and forthmost, Get him you and your husband family therapy. As there is a problem with him and your husband and you. You need all the help you can get.

Answer 6

First of all you need to understand that, this is his child. How would you feel if he was saying things about your child if it wasn't his.
You need to set rules when the kid comes back. If he wants his son to come back you need to let him do what he does. Just explain to your husband that there are rules that need to be followed. I ain't trying to make you feel bad or anything but at the same time you knew he had a kid.
So deal with it! But let him know when he does come back that you and his dad run the show and he will listen and help out around the house

Answer 7

This is a hard one. I feel for you. I think I would sit him down and tell him how you feel. Let him know that it is bad for the family that he has now if the boy returns. If he still wants him to come back then make sure that he know that this child will be his problem, you have done all that you can for the boy.

Answer 8

its a child....its normal for u to feel.... like ' i dont want him back ' maybe the mom has knocked some sense into him! just like some person before me said.....how woyuld u feel if u gave ur child to the other parent and now u cant get him back because ur husband doesnt want him back. u have to love the child as ur own...uits ur husbands child..u must love the child as if it was ur own to see what he is going through....see how it feels. dont tell him. im 13 and theres a boy in my class just like the kid u described...he has a horrible attitude....and he is always backtalking to the teachers and gets sent to the office...he has been there all year...and when they send him back.....i think about my math teacher...i start thinkg... " does she really want him back? im surprised she hasnt asked for him to not be in the class. how does she feel about having to put up with it ? " i aksed myself these questions just yesterday whe he got sent to the office for backtalking. and then i find...that she doesnt mind....shes just trying to teach him discipline....she loves all the kids there. i go to a private school...so its a small school...and she HAS to put up with him. when there is a problem....she tries to fix it herself....and when it gets outta control....she sends him to the MAIN one....just like ur son...try to fix things urself....and when things get outta control...send him to the MAIN one, the father. he should set things straight....so that u can be the mother. if he is mean to his sister....discipline him and show him he cant be mean! is he older...or younger? how old is he? if he is older...it could just be outta rebellion or something like that. if hes younger like 8 or 7..i dont know...it could just be cuz thats just the way he is. u need to show him whos boss...and that u love him...cuz if u didnt...u wouldnt bother disciplining him. the only other reason why u would discipline him...is because u love ur husband...but almost hate his son....and ur gonna have t putup with his son if u wanna keep the husband around and not tell the husband that u hate the son. but that isnt the reason why u should discipline him! u should do it because u love him....develop a love for the kid....there are 2 parts to this thing if u really love the kid. the loving part...is that ur doing everything u are doing now because u love him....the hard part is having to put up with the things he does in the process of discipline. and that part can make u reluctant to bring him back. but the LOVE for him....the desire for him to grow up and be a responsible adult should pull u to him...to want him to come back more than the reluctancy of allowing him back. i hope u see what im trying to say...dont tell the husband. it could hurt his feelings....maybe ur husband doesnt like the way on of ur children is...hes just not telling u. who knows? as for the rest of the family...like ur own kids....u need to tell them to love the child also....and not trying to avoid him even though the temptation is great. teach them to love him....no matter how mean the child is to them.



i hope i helped....in some way! i probably didnt....because i dont know if i got my point across.
but at least i tried! =]

Answer 9

Have him come to you for his summer vacation or sometime as a trial to see if his behavior has changed. Definitely you should say something. You also need to talk to the boy and say "in this house, this is how we do things..." Good luck

Answer 10

u have some say but not much because it is his child and u should not keep a child from his father just because u may not be able to connect with the child to see what may be causeing it