What is the funniest joke you ever heard?

Answer 1

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. ****, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

Answer 2

How to keep an idiot in suspense?

...

But I really like this one:

Here is an old one chosen as the best joke by New York Times. It was reworded and retitled as "A Different Universe by Robert Laughlin, Nobel Physicist 1998, Stanford Physics professor...)"

HOLMES: Watson, look up at those stars in the sky! What do you deduce?

WATSON: Well, each of those pinpricks of light is a huge sun powered by the fires of hydrogen fusion. That fuzzy patch over there is the Andromeda galaxy. Powerful telescopes tell us that Andromeda is an island of billions and billions of stars. Even more powerful telescopes tell us that there are billions and billions of such galaxies stretching out to the edge of the universe. If even one in a million of those suns had planets, and even one in a million of these had an oxygen atmosphere, and even one in a million of these had life, and even one in a million of these had people and civilizations, then we would be certain of not being alone in the universe.

HOLMES: No, Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!

...

Answer 3

Three sisters, ages 98, 96 and 94 lived together in a two-story house. The two younger sisters were sitting at the kitchen table when they heard their older sister calling from the upstairs bathroom, 'Somebody help me. I've got one foot in the bath tub and I can't remember if I'm getting in or out.'

The 96 year old got up to go help her. She got half way up the stairs and called out, 'Somebody help me. I'm half way up the stairs and I can't remember if I'm going up on down.'

From the kitchen table the 94 year old rapped on the kitchen table and said, 'Knock on wood. I hope I'm not like the two of them when I get older.' Then she called out, 'Just a minute. I'll be right there after I answer the door.'

Answer 4

This one was on here b/4. It really cracked me up! Enjoy!:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

Answer 5

Anything said by Richard Pryor and Rodney Dangerfield.

I don't ever mess with no Muslims.....those motherf&*^ers can't wait to meet Allah....and take 7 or 8 people with them.
R.P.

...so I asked him, "Who said you could mess around with my wife," and he said everybody.
R.D.

What is up with Grapenuts cereal....You open up the box...No Grapes..NO Nuts...
Jerry Seinfeld.

Answer 6

Woman can orgasm.

Answer 7

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