What is the funniest joke ever?

Question

I'm an Irishman, and the standard of jokes here is cack, the funniest thing I've seen here is "British and Proud of it" , not his jokes, his statement. British and proud being a statement deserves capital punishment.
So far the duck with nails/ waffles is gonna get the best answer.
This just illustrates the huge margin between Irish humour and "International/S hite" humour, albeit, keep them coming folks..............................

Answer 1

A duck walks into a bar and asked the bartender, "got any waffles"?
Bartender says, "No." And the duck leaves.

Next day same duck goes into the same bar and asked the same bartender, "Got any waffles?". Bartender says, "NO!!" The duck leaves again.

Next day same duck goes into the same bar and asked the same bartender, "Got any waffles?". Bartender says, "NO!!!!!!" "AND IF YOU COME BACK TOMORROW AND ASK ME IF I'VE GOT ANY WAFFLES, I'LL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!"

Next day same duck goes into the same bar and asked the same bartender, "Got any Nails?" Bartender says, "ahh, no."
Duck says, " ahh than do you have any Waffles?"


Best answer?!

Answer 2

A man and a woman travelling seperately on an overnight sleeper train find that they're sharing a room as there is no more space on the train. After the initial embarassements they agree that the lady will sleep on the top bunk, the guy below. During the night the lady wakes the man and says, "I'm a little cold up here, would you mind passing me another blanket please?" The guy replies, "I've got a better idea. Lets pretend we're married". The woman thinks the guy is sorta cute so she giggles and says, "OK". "Good", says the bloke, "Get your own fcuking blanket"

Answer 3

An Asian guy
walked into the New york city
Exchange With 2000 yen
and was given $74 Dollars
The next week he done the
same thing with the same amount
2000yen but this time he only received
$68Dollars ,He asked the lady behind
the counter why this week he got $68
but the week before got $74 for 2000yen
the lady replied "Fluctuations"
The asian guy stormed out
and before slamming the door
behind him,he turned round and yelled "and fluc you Amelicans too"

Answer 4

Moral of the story?
A little bird was flying through the rainforest when it heard something calling out. It flew down and found an elephant stuck in a mud hole. Hello Mr Elephant can I help? No but go and gat the King o the jungle Mr Lion. Off the bird went and found him at home. Told him the problem so he got his Porsche from the garage and a tow rope and followed the bird to the elephant on pulled him out. The elephant was so grateful that he told him he was now his buddy and anytime he was in trouble he could call on him. …………And the months rolled by until one day the elephant was walking through the forest and he could hear a cry for help. Sounds like my buddy he thought. He found him in the same mud hole! Go get Mr Lion said the bird. Off went the elephant, crashing through the forest to the lion’s house. Knocked on the door, no answer, rushed to Mr Rhino’s house and was told Mr Lion had gone on holiday just that morning. Panic set in, he rushed to see the little bird who had now sunk up to his wing-pits. Little bird sorry Mr Lion was not in. I’ll have to get you out myself. With that he reversed up to the hole and stuck his tail out, but the bird couldn’t reach it. He tried with his trunk, still couldn’t reach. Oh no he thought but then I am a bull elephant with one other very large appendage and with that he pushed it out as far as he could reach. The little bird held on tightly with its beak and was pulled out! ……………….

And the moral of the story is if you’ve got a c**k like an elephant you don’t need a Porsche to pull a bird!!!!

Answer 5

Watch the movie Boondock Saints {a must see anyway, esp. if youre Irish} and "the funnyman, Rocco" tells the best joke ever. Happy Saint Patricks Day!

Answer 6

What's funniest joke to one is not necessary funniest to another. Maybe the funniest joke is the one you play on someone then finds it's backfired on you, that should make that someone think it's the funniest.

Answer 7

Granpa takes his grandson fishing. Their out in the boat and Granpa takes out a cigarette and lights it. Grandson looks at him and says "Granpa, can I try one of those?" Grandpa says "can your peepee touch your a*****e?" Grandson says "no". Well, then you can't have one.

Little while later Granpa pulls out a can of chew and puts a big dip in. Grandson says "Granpa, can I try some of that?" Granpa says "can you peepee touch your a*****e?" Grandson says "no. Well, then you can't have any.

They get done fishing at their at the store by the dock. Granpa buys two scratch off lottery tickets and hands one to his grandson. Granpa scratches his and doesn't win anything. Grandson scratches his and wins $10,000. Granpa looks at grandson and says "Son are you going to share that with granpa?" Grandson says "well granpa, can your peepee touch your a*****e?" Granpa says "why yes it can!" Grandson says "well then go f**k yourself."

Answer 8

Blair and Bush hunting for terrorists.

Answer 9

Two Chinese parents gave birth to a girl with blue eyes and blond hair. U know what they named her?
Sum Ting Wong

Answer 10

two fish in a tank
one says to the other
how do you drive this thing