She isnt a virgin...how do I deal?

Question

I'm a 18 year old college student. I don't consider myself a Christian but I believe my morals and values are very extensively Christian based. One of them being that you should save yourself for engagement/marriage.

I met this girl when I was 15, and she was my first and only real relationship. The relationship lasted one year and a half, and it ended terribly. She ended up going out with a guy a week and a half later and I was in shambles for 8 months. We recently started talking after she broke up with the guy she left me for, and we still love each other. A lot.

What bothers me, is that she lost her virginity to him. And they had sex, many many many times like any couple would. I love her to death, so much, but I cant deny that it bothers me.

I've told her and all it ends up in is her getting upset and regretting it. I try to ignore it but everytime we get to that point, I hesitate because of her past.

My question is, to those who have been through this, how did you deal?

I believe my views on sex might be one of the hindering problems I have. I feel when you have sex, you basically have made a contract with that person saying that you want to be with them forever.

I know this will upset people, but the only way I can explain my feelings is that I feel that she belongs to him...she made a contract and its impossible to break it.

I am feeling a lot better than I used to about the fact that she isnt a virgin, but it still bothers me to this day, and Im afraid it will bother me for a long time to come.

I want to have sex with her. I want to make her feel so good about herself. I want to be the ultimate love of her life. But its always on the back of my mind.

=/ I feel like a horrible person over this...

Everyone, I appreciate the fact that youre taking time to post, but please do not be sarcastic or flame me. I feel terrible enough as it is.

And I believe I need to emphasize, I AM NOT A CHIRISTIAN BUT MY MORAL CODES AND VALUES ARE SET AROUND CHRISTIANITY. TRY TO UNDERSTAND.

Answer 1

you just have to mature and accept -- it takes time

Answer 2

I'm sorry, but you may have just to try to get over the (religious) point that her body isn't your possesion. She didn't have sex with anybody when you still had a relationship, so she didn't cheat on you.
After the two of you where seperate, she just made her own decision in a different way then you would want her to make. Now you are blaming her for it, but the problem is that YOU are not able to deal with it. Stop giving her those guilt feelings, of course she gets upset by that, you are pretty arrogant in the way you are treating her.

I know this is not the answer you want. But if this religious thing is so big for you, don't complain about it and find yourself a girl who still is a virgin.
Otherwise, be glad that she has some experience, it makes her a much better lover. Try to learn how to respect her. She is her own person, not yours.

Answer 3

mm first of all i really appreciate to hear that you are saving it for marriage.

Does this girl think that it is not a big deal? If she is sorry and ashamed of it, you have to forgive and forget. You know the rules treat others as you would treat yourself. Everyone needs a second chance, and if you love this girl then you would just forgive. It hard... but forgive. SHe probably thought she was in love with this guy.. you know how it is.

But if she doesn't really care and wants to sleep around with everyone-- you got another thing coming. THe bible says a lot about immoral woman. Read Proverbs.

good luck.

Answer 4

try to remember that GOD is the only one that has the right to judge.you do not really know anything about what was going on with her at that point in her life or her mind frame.the best thing you can do is forgive as GOD has forgiven and if you can not totally let this go so that both of you can now be happy then maby you should move on.i am sure both of you made mistakes so forgive each other and truelly start over.ever heard
"judge not least you be judged".be happy in life because that is all that really matters and God has already forgiven her so step up and learn from him.good luck

Answer 5

uhhhh.....the thing that I find strange is that you say that you want to have sex with her (I'm assuming that you are not engaged/married) yet you say that you want to wait until marriage & you are even upset that she didn't wait for marriage.... Do you see any contradictions there? My guess is that you are already ok with the idea of sex before marriage for yourself, but have not extended this grace for her yet. Is this true? Is this love? Say what you mean & mean what you say. That is, you say you love her, but what do your actions say? It seems that your actions say, "I want to punish you for what you have done." ...hummm....

If you love her, love her truly. Love her as she is. No one can change the past, only the present. If she is still sleeping around, that (as someone else mentioned) is a totally different story.

If the love you share is as strong as you say it is, then together you can shape the present & the future. Make it as bright & wonderful as you want, but do not poison it any more with the past. It seems as if both of you are suffering now.

BTW before, I struggled just as you do....for a long time, punishing the very one that I loved so much, but then I slowly found the serenity to let go & love.

Best wishes! & keep love growing!

Answer 6

You had your chance to tap that girl when she was a virgin. You blew it with this ridiculous moral code of yours. So now it's hampering the relationship with this girl. You are emotionally abusing her making her feel bad for what she's done. If you did this to me i'd kick you to the curb so fast it would make your head spin and i'd never speak to you again as long as you lived.
You remind me of some kind of total hypocrite. Bet you were jerking to fantasies about this girl while you were together, so you are in fact a hypocrite that doesn't deserve a woman of her great stature.

Answer 7

You should really just use your Christian values and forgive her for it.
You're probably never going to find a virgin out there anyway, so might as well prove your love to his chick by forgiving her for her little flaws like that.

Answer 8

i have.. i just dont try to compare myself to her past lovers, that is her very personal businesss, and if she wants you to know about it.. she will tell you when she is ready, so until then,she will be angry when you bring the virginity subject up.. and maybe it was not a very good experience for her and she may have/not have regrets about it.. so if you still want her, treat her like a virgin and dont be sarcastic..it was her choice.. maybe her beliefs are much different than yours.. so loosen up on her.

Answer 9

If u like u have sex with her now, ask for it and see if it is going to make any difference whether she is a virgin or not.

Answer 10

If you are REAL christain and someone that LOVES her you will not pass judgement on her and except her for who she is and what path she has taken to finally get back into your life.

What did jesus say about thowing the first stone. ? You are not perfect and do not expect her to be.

Answer 11

Don't make a girl feel guilty for her past. That's a big no-no. She wasn't with you, get over it! If you want a virgin, go to your community church and find one!